Relationship Stage

First of all, as usual , i want to say sorry for the very late update. sometimes i don't have any idea what to post. so instead of feeling confused, i wanted to share a mindful topic here, about stages in relationship. why i share this topic? because i found that this topic is quite interesting. because there's no bond that made g relationship strong here.

1st. Introduction stage

this stage would be a start in a relationship. It's not only us, but in a straight relationship, it's very common for having introduction. what make it different's just the media. some of us might use the application for knowing someone, or maybe go straight for greeting someone next to us frontally? well, for the common way is being known by our friend's friend.

this stage will be a most viral stage for both of the person to continue themselves to the next stage. they usually measure the new guy physically.  is it cute? handsome? manly? because it cannot be denied that at first, us, g people value guys physically, that he is interesting enough in our eyes or not.

not finished yet, people will also check the chemistry. is it connect with us when we open a topic, or is he have a good sense of humor? because no matter how handsome or cute the people in front of you, the feeling will be drop if we can't connect to each other.

2nd Intimate stage

In this step, two people usually arrange for next meetings, because of their interest of each other. They will also talk about personal things: hobby, fave food, job, etc.

Unfortunately, in this step, many couple take a next step too soon. So many people do intimate thingy like: kissing, or might be sex. Some of the cause is maybe they are too get carried away by their emotion. Or maybe they want to test the opposite person's performance? lol

this stage could run average from one week till 2 months max, and the average is around 2 weeks till one month. From what i seen, younger people tend to take a decision faster.

3rd Relationship Stage

If two person had done the 2 stage before and they feel comfort with each other, they will be commit one another to be each other's boyfriend. In this stage, their real attitude will slowly come out. Maybe he is not that calm, not that smart, or not that good at bed? lol

Anyway, many gay things thought that this is the last stage of every g relationship. But it is not. I have my own view, that this step is one closer step to the very next stage, the super serious stage:

4th Partnered

Personally i think that the relationship stage should be brought to this stage if they already feel comfortable and sure with their couple. In this stage, they will think seriously about their future together. They might considerate to live together, open a business together, or maybe adopt pet together.

In every relationship, there will a saturation point, where the relationship feel flat, not like in the first-third stage. Because all of the routine will be done together, not for 1-2 months, but years. There's many case that they look for another person and cheat with a simple stupid reason: they want to feel the first time they love a person again. But well, in every relationship, even with a handsome or super cute person, there will be a time that we reach this point.

In a relationship, there's always be a problem. It depends on how we get over it.

I Choose You to be Happy

So i tried not to contact him.
I turned of my cellphone for one and a half day. And for those days,  really i feel alone. I wanted to text him, i wanted to communicate with him as much as i do, but i know, that the more i carry on, the more i will get hurt. Besides, like what i've said before: I don't want to fight over a guy with my friend.

Well, i cried.
Sometimes i think that it's not fair, why i should be the one who has to give the relationship up. But i know, it's for friendship sake.

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After one and half day, i slowly turned on the cellphone. He was looking for me. And it made me feel guilty. Once again, i cried.. Since then, i promise that i won't leave him again. More over, his affection made me feel melted, again..

and we became close again...

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Actually i feel that we've became closer than before.
One week ago, we went overseas together, with two of my friends. There, i feel like we are a couple. My brain told me to stop, because if i carry this feeling on, i know that someday i will be hurt again. but my heart wants to be like that. So i let my heart win. F*ck for the future, as long as i could be happy for now..

Well, that's a one week full of memories. I loved it.

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But now i realized..
That maybe i am the one who is naive, being to selfish, that didn't put myself in his shoe..

I just realized, that maybe he really feel burden communicating with me..
As i could imagine, if i were him. I have to replied all of the messages from someone who's you don't have any feeling with. You did it just to make that person (me) happy, so in the future i won't be sad again..

Deep down inside, i didn't want to make you feel burdened. Please, enjoy your life. I want you to be happy..

so sorry... :'(

"if you truly love someone, then the only one you want for them is to be happy... even if it's not with you."

Jerry - Expectation That Become No More Than Just An Expectation

Updates...

Well, seems like i only post something when something bad happened to me, like now. lol.

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Btw, about last post, i think my feeling towards Philip just a mix feeling because of our togetherness for the past 2 days. I discovered myself that i didn't have any feeling towards him. Maybe it's because of my loneliness, that assuming of every kiss mean something. For god's sake, it's just a lip-lip touch kiss, lol, fool me.

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So, i have a friend and recently we become close. Call him, Jerry. He is 6 years older than me. Actually i met him in early 2015, on a stranger's birthday that i attend, because my friend asked me for a companion. We didn't communicate much, because i just know him and he already had boyfriend.

Last April, i went to Thai and coincidently he also went there. There's a time that we hanged out together while enjoying a cake. It's our 2nd time chatting. 

Short story, in March 2016, he just broke up with his Bf. After 2 years relationship and actually they relationship could end. It makes me wonder why, because i thought that this kind of people would try hard to fix the relationship the way it should be. But the more i try to understand, the more i thought that maybe this is the end.

Well, for me, a guy who's been 21 months relationship and got broke up, i know how much it hurt to be heartbroken. So i accompanied him chatting everyday, we talked about many things, from casual talk till hard topic, such as: church, living as a gay, gay's future in here, etc. I enjoy chatting with him, because i like talking about these things. Until one day, he ask about my future, whether i'm staying like this in gay's world, that consequently wasting my time, my family feeling, etc. I answered: "Is becoming gay a choice? i think we couldn't have a choice to be a straight or a gay. What we could choose is living as a gay, or living in a denial." Then he replied: "I just ask you from my deepest heart... because i am getting comfort with you."

Since then, we still communicate everyday, but i have a different feeling in replying his messages. i think i am starting to like this guy..

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I know it's wrong, to like a broken heart guy. Who's still couldn't move on. I asked him about what he is looking right now. He obviously talk that he is in open-friendship, enjoying his life, and he's still communicating with his ex. He doesn't have any idea for the future, but what he need right now is a friend, to accompany him eating, watching movies, or hanging out. But what could i do? A feeling is not like a game that could be stopped with a single button. So i dare my self to continue liking him.

And here's the consequence...

I just know that actually it's not only me, the one who is close with him. And it's normal for a single person, right? it's very normal. It's just me who can't accept this fact.

On Monday, he hanged out with one of my group friends. I'm assuming that maybe my friend is also like him, well, who doesn't like a kind guy, right? One of my friend also told me that my friend and Jerry are communicating everyday.

Hearing that messages, well.. It made my day gloomy.

Considering on Jerry's feeling, well, i'm starting to like him since he said that words. Once i thought that he also have the same feeling to me. But realizing the truth, that actually he said it before (open-friendship thingy), it made me realize that it's just a one-way feeling. On the other side, i also don't want to have a fight over a boyfriend. For me, friendship is more valuable than fighting over a same man.

So i chose to leave...

Leaving him, leaving my expectation, leaving my dream..

And it's hurt you know., it really hurt.. To have an expectation, that till forever no more than an expectation..

Karma

So, since April, i moved to my hometown. My hometown actually not really far from Jakarta, besides there's a highway so it facilitate me to go there easily.

In the same month, there's a korean group concert held in Indonesia, and i've been their fans since 2009, so i decided to watch it. There's two problems. First, i don't have any place to sleep anymore. Second, i don't have any friends to accompany me watching them. For the first problem, in the end i rented a hotel for 2 nights. The 2nd problem is also solved because my best friend, Philip is also a fans of them, thank God.

Philip is one of my very best friend in Jakarta. I knew him in early 2015, my friend introduced me to him and his friends. So, Philip has 2 best buddy: Darren and Bill, later we became best buddy. Out of those 3 friends. I shared similar things with Philip. We loved hang out, buying clothes, seeing guys, love k-pop, etc. We also chat random things everyday. I treated him like a lil bro.

Back to the story,

the concert was held on Saturday, so i went to Jakarta on Friday. In the same day, Philip's dad had to be hospitalized, so i accompanied Philip handled the procedure from the clinic till enter the hospital. The first plan, we slept in hotel because i already booked for 2 days, but in the end Philip slept in hospital, while me slept at his place.

Middle April, on Saturday, we finally watch the concert! The concert was AWESOME! But, since it is not part of the story, let's cut it. After watch the concert, we went to hotel. The hotel we stayed for is quite far. About 5km. We decided to take a walk from concert arena. About 40-50 min we walked together till arrived. On the way there, we talked about random things, really random thing while wearing pinky clothes like a couple, lol.

After we arrived, we decided to take a shower then have a supper before ending a day. When we are sleeping. Idk what kind of ambience that we have. Maybe because of 2 days we spent together, all kind of feeling mixed into an unknown feeling. He moved closer while i moved closer to him. And suddenly his lip is becoming one with mine. We didn't do further, just a kiss, a lip-lip touch kiss. A usual kiss that make me ask hundred times, what kind of kiss that just happened? I'm afraid that i will have a feeling towards him.

Just about the very end of April. April 30th. I heard that Philip just got another boyfriend.

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Well, i had few thoughts about that..

I know that that kiss just a mixed feeling because of what happened on those 2 days, so i became confused with that. The more important things is, i felt insecure about my friendship that my feeling towards him. After all i have a very best friends and i don't want to lose them.

So, because i don't have many activities here, it leads me to many questions. Is it one of the karma that i paid because of my last ex (Edward)? As i mentioned in other post, that i broke his heart, now it's my turn to be broken heart? lol. If it is one of the karma, i'm ready and i'm willing to pay it. My guilty towards him really burdened me.. 

What do you guys think about it?

April Updates

Hi guys, how are you?

Life is really fast, we've entered the first day in April, four months since new year. How's the progress of our resolution? Great eh? Hope so :)

So last month, or actually few days ago, on Monday, March 28th i've passed my redefense for my master degree. Well, i felt happy , sad and also felt nervous. Felt happy because all of my struggles finally had came to an end. Because actually i kinda feel saturated with my college life. At first when i entered the uni, i thought that the friends will be more serious and looked genius, but it turned out that most of them are silly, and i felt like i entered the class for bachelor degree again. So, i kinda did not like the life there, lol.

I also felt sad because since i lived in Jakarta, i met many friends. I met Kristoff & Hansell the couple, also met my friends now. Somehow i know that this is what God wanted from my broken relationship with Stefan. Actually i feel happy that we broke up, lol. Well.. The sadness came because from April, i moved out from Jakarta, back to home. I have to leave my life there, my hangout routine every Saturday. I missed them :(

On the other side, i felt nervous. What kind of life will treat me next? I promised my father to help him in his company, in Tangerang. I chose that place because it's nearer from Jakarta than in here (Bandung), in addition, i also could fulfilled what my father wants. It's a win-win solution, eh?

So how about your life?
4 months are not a short time. Some of you might have boyfriend. might broke up. might find another job. Might have a new struggles. But remember one thing. Like what i wrote in this opening blog: Everything in life is temporary.

So, stand up and kick (some) ass! :D

When Life Didn't Run Smoothly As What You Expected

Hi readers..

I realized that i seldom update this blog, lol. One of the reason, it's because of my limitation of english (i think all of my talents became regress day by day =.=") So, there's a possibility that i will change my language to bahasa :D

A lot of things happened in this 2 months. And some of them ran not as what i expected. I failed my thesis defense, so i have to do redefense. And because of the failure, my plan were falling apart. The impact was quite big, that made me felt depress for a while.

I thought that in march i will start working, doing new things and by thinking of it, i already feel excited! I kinda bored in this university life things. It turns out that this university, this friends was much different than before, back then when i was in bachelor degree.

Thank God that in my depressed time, i have friends that accompanied me, although somehow i felt embarrassed because they came after i failed, brought gift, and i could not give the best for them :(

Yes, one more time thank God that in my depressed time, i could think clearly, that maybe, God has a better, bigger plan for me. He allowed this failure happened to me for a good reason. Not that i understand what kind of plan that He gave to me, but i just believe it will be the best.

So i have to do redefense, i have gather all the information and all the requirements for it. I also have submitted it again, and i have a good gut that this time i will pass it as a champion! lol. Wish me luck!

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For my relationship with Edward.
I have made up my mind. I could not do this relationship with him.
It's clear for me that i did not have any feeling towards him. The more i cling to him, the more we will hurt each other, furthermore, he is very kind and i could not bare to hurt him more, he deserves someone better than me.

Well, who's next? lol..

You Only Live Once

I’m on my way to Jakarta when suddenly this thought came to my mind. So i decided to write it first before i forget it, lol Actually, some people may think this thought, even myself. I think have thought about this in the past.

I realize that life is really short, seems like just a blink, that i graduated from high school, from my bachelor degree, and had a struggle about what what would i do next. And suddenly, next week, i will face my final defense for my Master Degree. In addition, this year i will blow my 25th birthday, it is my one fourth century’s age. Time flies.

What i wanted to write is, with the very fast time goes by and the truth that we only life once, so, make sure that we didn’t do something that we regret, like “Oh, if i could turn back the time..” or, “It’s too late”. Even me, i’d still figuring what will i do next so that my way won’t be another regret in my life.

Maybe some people have a different purpose of life. Some people feel proud if they have fortune, good body, or enjoy eating. It depends on their priorities, and it’s okay if you have a different priorities. But, the important thing is do something, do about what you like, instead of doing lazy thing or sleeping. Catch what your BIG dream! So in the end when we grow old, we see our past time and says, “my life is worth it” :)

One thing for sure! After reading this, you might think about what dream that you will accomplish, and start busy work it out. But do not ever forget that we have to take care about our parents. For what will happens, all things could not be accomplished without our parents’ guidance. Sometimes we are too busy taking care our problem that we forget that before that, our parents are our hero, that helped us growing up. It's now our turn to help them while they are growing old :)

That’s all what i wanted to mumble, lol. Please pray the best for my thesis defense next week!