Relationship Stage

First of all, as usual , i want to say sorry for the very late update. sometimes i don't have any idea what to post. so instead of feeling confused, i wanted to share a mindful topic here, about stages in relationship. why i share this topic? because i found that this topic is quite interesting. because there's no bond that made g relationship strong here.

1st. Introduction stage

this stage would be a start in a relationship. It's not only us, but in a straight relationship, it's very common for having introduction. what make it different's just the media. some of us might use the application for knowing someone, or maybe go straight for greeting someone next to us frontally? well, for the common way is being known by our friend's friend.

this stage will be a most viral stage for both of the person to continue themselves to the next stage. they usually measure the new guy physically.  is it cute? handsome? manly? because it cannot be denied that at first, us, g people value guys physically, that he is interesting enough in our eyes or not.

not finished yet, people will also check the chemistry. is it connect with us when we open a topic, or is he have a good sense of humor? because no matter how handsome or cute the people in front of you, the feeling will be drop if we can't connect to each other.

2nd Intimate stage

In this step, two people usually arrange for next meetings, because of their interest of each other. They will also talk about personal things: hobby, fave food, job, etc.

Unfortunately, in this step, many couple take a next step too soon. So many people do intimate thingy like: kissing, or might be sex. Some of the cause is maybe they are too get carried away by their emotion. Or maybe they want to test the opposite person's performance? lol

this stage could run average from one week till 2 months max, and the average is around 2 weeks till one month. From what i seen, younger people tend to take a decision faster.

3rd Relationship Stage

If two person had done the 2 stage before and they feel comfort with each other, they will be commit one another to be each other's boyfriend. In this stage, their real attitude will slowly come out. Maybe he is not that calm, not that smart, or not that good at bed? lol

Anyway, many gay things thought that this is the last stage of every g relationship. But it is not. I have my own view, that this step is one closer step to the very next stage, the super serious stage:

4th Partnered

Personally i think that the relationship stage should be brought to this stage if they already feel comfortable and sure with their couple. In this stage, they will think seriously about their future together. They might considerate to live together, open a business together, or maybe adopt pet together.

In every relationship, there will a saturation point, where the relationship feel flat, not like in the first-third stage. Because all of the routine will be done together, not for 1-2 months, but years. There's many case that they look for another person and cheat with a simple stupid reason: they want to feel the first time they love a person again. But well, in every relationship, even with a handsome or super cute person, there will be a time that we reach this point.

In a relationship, there's always be a problem. It depends on how we get over it.

I Choose You to be Happy

So i tried not to contact him.
I turned of my cellphone for one and a half day. And for those days,  really i feel alone. I wanted to text him, i wanted to communicate with him as much as i do, but i know, that the more i carry on, the more i will get hurt. Besides, like what i've said before: I don't want to fight over a guy with my friend.

Well, i cried.
Sometimes i think that it's not fair, why i should be the one who has to give the relationship up. But i know, it's for friendship sake.

---

After one and half day, i slowly turned on the cellphone. He was looking for me. And it made me feel guilty. Once again, i cried.. Since then, i promise that i won't leave him again. More over, his affection made me feel melted, again..

and we became close again...

---

Actually i feel that we've became closer than before.
One week ago, we went overseas together, with two of my friends. There, i feel like we are a couple. My brain told me to stop, because if i carry this feeling on, i know that someday i will be hurt again. but my heart wants to be like that. So i let my heart win. F*ck for the future, as long as i could be happy for now..

Well, that's a one week full of memories. I loved it.

---

But now i realized..
That maybe i am the one who is naive, being to selfish, that didn't put myself in his shoe..

I just realized, that maybe he really feel burden communicating with me..
As i could imagine, if i were him. I have to replied all of the messages from someone who's you don't have any feeling with. You did it just to make that person (me) happy, so in the future i won't be sad again..

Deep down inside, i didn't want to make you feel burdened. Please, enjoy your life. I want you to be happy..

so sorry... :'(

"if you truly love someone, then the only one you want for them is to be happy... even if it's not with you."

Jerry - Expectation That Become No More Than Just An Expectation

Updates...

Well, seems like i only post something when something bad happened to me, like now. lol.

---

Btw, about last post, i think my feeling towards Philip just a mix feeling because of our togetherness for the past 2 days. I discovered myself that i didn't have any feeling towards him. Maybe it's because of my loneliness, that assuming of every kiss mean something. For god's sake, it's just a lip-lip touch kiss, lol, fool me.

---

So, i have a friend and recently we become close. Call him, Jerry. He is 6 years older than me. Actually i met him in early 2015, on a stranger's birthday that i attend, because my friend asked me for a companion. We didn't communicate much, because i just know him and he already had boyfriend.

Last April, i went to Thai and coincidently he also went there. There's a time that we hanged out together while enjoying a cake. It's our 2nd time chatting. 

Short story, in March 2016, he just broke up with his Bf. After 2 years relationship and actually they relationship could end. It makes me wonder why, because i thought that this kind of people would try hard to fix the relationship the way it should be. But the more i try to understand, the more i thought that maybe this is the end.

Well, for me, a guy who's been 21 months relationship and got broke up, i know how much it hurt to be heartbroken. So i accompanied him chatting everyday, we talked about many things, from casual talk till hard topic, such as: church, living as a gay, gay's future in here, etc. I enjoy chatting with him, because i like talking about these things. Until one day, he ask about my future, whether i'm staying like this in gay's world, that consequently wasting my time, my family feeling, etc. I answered: "Is becoming gay a choice? i think we couldn't have a choice to be a straight or a gay. What we could choose is living as a gay, or living in a denial." Then he replied: "I just ask you from my deepest heart... because i am getting comfort with you."

Since then, we still communicate everyday, but i have a different feeling in replying his messages. i think i am starting to like this guy..

---

I know it's wrong, to like a broken heart guy. Who's still couldn't move on. I asked him about what he is looking right now. He obviously talk that he is in open-friendship, enjoying his life, and he's still communicating with his ex. He doesn't have any idea for the future, but what he need right now is a friend, to accompany him eating, watching movies, or hanging out. But what could i do? A feeling is not like a game that could be stopped with a single button. So i dare my self to continue liking him.

And here's the consequence...

I just know that actually it's not only me, the one who is close with him. And it's normal for a single person, right? it's very normal. It's just me who can't accept this fact.

On Monday, he hanged out with one of my group friends. I'm assuming that maybe my friend is also like him, well, who doesn't like a kind guy, right? One of my friend also told me that my friend and Jerry are communicating everyday.

Hearing that messages, well.. It made my day gloomy.

Considering on Jerry's feeling, well, i'm starting to like him since he said that words. Once i thought that he also have the same feeling to me. But realizing the truth, that actually he said it before (open-friendship thingy), it made me realize that it's just a one-way feeling. On the other side, i also don't want to have a fight over a boyfriend. For me, friendship is more valuable than fighting over a same man.

So i chose to leave...

Leaving him, leaving my expectation, leaving my dream..

And it's hurt you know., it really hurt.. To have an expectation, that till forever no more than an expectation..

Karma

So, since April, i moved to my hometown. My hometown actually not really far from Jakarta, besides there's a highway so it facilitate me to go there easily.

In the same month, there's a korean group concert held in Indonesia, and i've been their fans since 2009, so i decided to watch it. There's two problems. First, i don't have any place to sleep anymore. Second, i don't have any friends to accompany me watching them. For the first problem, in the end i rented a hotel for 2 nights. The 2nd problem is also solved because my best friend, Philip is also a fans of them, thank God.

Philip is one of my very best friend in Jakarta. I knew him in early 2015, my friend introduced me to him and his friends. So, Philip has 2 best buddy: Darren and Bill, later we became best buddy. Out of those 3 friends. I shared similar things with Philip. We loved hang out, buying clothes, seeing guys, love k-pop, etc. We also chat random things everyday. I treated him like a lil bro.

Back to the story,

the concert was held on Saturday, so i went to Jakarta on Friday. In the same day, Philip's dad had to be hospitalized, so i accompanied Philip handled the procedure from the clinic till enter the hospital. The first plan, we slept in hotel because i already booked for 2 days, but in the end Philip slept in hospital, while me slept at his place.

Middle April, on Saturday, we finally watch the concert! The concert was AWESOME! But, since it is not part of the story, let's cut it. After watch the concert, we went to hotel. The hotel we stayed for is quite far. About 5km. We decided to take a walk from concert arena. About 40-50 min we walked together till arrived. On the way there, we talked about random things, really random thing while wearing pinky clothes like a couple, lol.

After we arrived, we decided to take a shower then have a supper before ending a day. When we are sleeping. Idk what kind of ambience that we have. Maybe because of 2 days we spent together, all kind of feeling mixed into an unknown feeling. He moved closer while i moved closer to him. And suddenly his lip is becoming one with mine. We didn't do further, just a kiss, a lip-lip touch kiss. A usual kiss that make me ask hundred times, what kind of kiss that just happened? I'm afraid that i will have a feeling towards him.

Just about the very end of April. April 30th. I heard that Philip just got another boyfriend.

---

Well, i had few thoughts about that..

I know that that kiss just a mixed feeling because of what happened on those 2 days, so i became confused with that. The more important things is, i felt insecure about my friendship that my feeling towards him. After all i have a very best friends and i don't want to lose them.

So, because i don't have many activities here, it leads me to many questions. Is it one of the karma that i paid because of my last ex (Edward)? As i mentioned in other post, that i broke his heart, now it's my turn to be broken heart? lol. If it is one of the karma, i'm ready and i'm willing to pay it. My guilty towards him really burdened me.. 

What do you guys think about it?

April Updates

Hi guys, how are you?

Life is really fast, we've entered the first day in April, four months since new year. How's the progress of our resolution? Great eh? Hope so :)

So last month, or actually few days ago, on Monday, March 28th i've passed my redefense for my master degree. Well, i felt happy , sad and also felt nervous. Felt happy because all of my struggles finally had came to an end. Because actually i kinda feel saturated with my college life. At first when i entered the uni, i thought that the friends will be more serious and looked genius, but it turned out that most of them are silly, and i felt like i entered the class for bachelor degree again. So, i kinda did not like the life there, lol.

I also felt sad because since i lived in Jakarta, i met many friends. I met Kristoff & Hansell the couple, also met my friends now. Somehow i know that this is what God wanted from my broken relationship with Stefan. Actually i feel happy that we broke up, lol. Well.. The sadness came because from April, i moved out from Jakarta, back to home. I have to leave my life there, my hangout routine every Saturday. I missed them :(

On the other side, i felt nervous. What kind of life will treat me next? I promised my father to help him in his company, in Tangerang. I chose that place because it's nearer from Jakarta than in here (Bandung), in addition, i also could fulfilled what my father wants. It's a win-win solution, eh?

So how about your life?
4 months are not a short time. Some of you might have boyfriend. might broke up. might find another job. Might have a new struggles. But remember one thing. Like what i wrote in this opening blog: Everything in life is temporary.

So, stand up and kick (some) ass! :D

When Life Didn't Run Smoothly As What You Expected

Hi readers..

I realized that i seldom update this blog, lol. One of the reason, it's because of my limitation of english (i think all of my talents became regress day by day =.=") So, there's a possibility that i will change my language to bahasa :D

A lot of things happened in this 2 months. And some of them ran not as what i expected. I failed my thesis defense, so i have to do redefense. And because of the failure, my plan were falling apart. The impact was quite big, that made me felt depress for a while.

I thought that in march i will start working, doing new things and by thinking of it, i already feel excited! I kinda bored in this university life things. It turns out that this university, this friends was much different than before, back then when i was in bachelor degree.

Thank God that in my depressed time, i have friends that accompanied me, although somehow i felt embarrassed because they came after i failed, brought gift, and i could not give the best for them :(

Yes, one more time thank God that in my depressed time, i could think clearly, that maybe, God has a better, bigger plan for me. He allowed this failure happened to me for a good reason. Not that i understand what kind of plan that He gave to me, but i just believe it will be the best.

So i have to do redefense, i have gather all the information and all the requirements for it. I also have submitted it again, and i have a good gut that this time i will pass it as a champion! lol. Wish me luck!

---

For my relationship with Edward.
I have made up my mind. I could not do this relationship with him.
It's clear for me that i did not have any feeling towards him. The more i cling to him, the more we will hurt each other, furthermore, he is very kind and i could not bare to hurt him more, he deserves someone better than me.

Well, who's next? lol..

You Only Live Once

I’m on my way to Jakarta when suddenly this thought came to my mind. So i decided to write it first before i forget it, lol Actually, some people may think this thought, even myself. I think have thought about this in the past.

I realize that life is really short, seems like just a blink, that i graduated from high school, from my bachelor degree, and had a struggle about what what would i do next. And suddenly, next week, i will face my final defense for my Master Degree. In addition, this year i will blow my 25th birthday, it is my one fourth century’s age. Time flies.

What i wanted to write is, with the very fast time goes by and the truth that we only life once, so, make sure that we didn’t do something that we regret, like “Oh, if i could turn back the time..” or, “It’s too late”. Even me, i’d still figuring what will i do next so that my way won’t be another regret in my life.

Maybe some people have a different purpose of life. Some people feel proud if they have fortune, good body, or enjoy eating. It depends on their priorities, and it’s okay if you have a different priorities. But, the important thing is do something, do about what you like, instead of doing lazy thing or sleeping. Catch what your BIG dream! So in the end when we grow old, we see our past time and says, “my life is worth it” :)

One thing for sure! After reading this, you might think about what dream that you will accomplish, and start busy work it out. But do not ever forget that we have to take care about our parents. For what will happens, all things could not be accomplished without our parents’ guidance. Sometimes we are too busy taking care our problem that we forget that before that, our parents are our hero, that helped us growing up. It's now our turn to help them while they are growing old :)

That’s all what i wanted to mumble, lol. Please pray the best for my thesis defense next week!

Happy New Year 2016!

Happy new year 2016 guys!

I believe new year means new time for making a new change in our life. People always make a mistakes and this new year thing is one of the chance of us to make a difference, fixing and correcting our past mistakes to be a better person. Although, personally i think we don't have to wait for new year to fix mistakes, even we can fix our mistake starts from now. But, yeah, new year seems like the best start of something, because basically the time seems to be reset, lol.

I also believe that new year means we could see ourselves in the past one year. What we have done in that year, is it another wasted year? lol. So, lets see what i have written last year as my 2015 resolution thingy..

So, i wrote my self to be a better person.

Have i became a better person?

Well, it's quite a hard to answer it. In some point i might be a better person. I think i am a better listener than before. Some of my friends relies on me, talks about their problems. I also make priorities for my tasks, i tend to prior my school assignments than the more fun thing, like hang out. In some point i might be the worse person i've become.

I think i became lazier than before. That's why i gained 2 kilos =.=. I felt myself comfortable by doing nothing in my rented room, lol. But, far beyond that, i broke a man's heart. That made me a worst person.

I also wrote a higher GPA for my one year semester.

But, actually i lost GPA, lol. *sigh*
Quote said: "having a high GPA does not mean that you are smart", i guess i believed that, LOL *my alibi* 

In this post, i don't want to write any resolution. I read somewhere that just around 8-12% of people could succeed doing their resolution. Yeah, 365 days is really a quite persistent thing to be done. So, instead of writing resolution, i might dream about what i will done this year.

Yes, this year i dreamed myself that i finished my master degree. This January i will submit my paper, then the thesis defense will be held on February. After that i will get a job. Either in my dad's company, or in other company, but i think i will help my dad's company. It might be easier to get that job, and most of my friends encourage me to be there. They said that you will learn more in your parents' company.

I also want to have more friends. The one with less drama, cafe-free, although i don't have any idea where i could get those friends. About love? Well, let's see, if i could not make things out with the last one, i might reconsider of having a bf soon. I want to spend and enjoy my loneliness time.

Speaking of b/g-friend thing, Few days ago, my mom asked me about a woman photo on her cellphone. She said that that woman is to be matched with me. WTF?! I saw the picture, and my mom said, "see, she has a big eyes." I replied, "I can tell that the pic is photoshopped. so obvious." LOL. Yes, i say it the truth, the way photo to be edited is too rough<?>.  And beside that, i don't have any interest with her, lol.

I also dreamed myself that i don't want to spend my christmas/new year in my hometown. I've been spent two years christmas and new year in here, with family, and it really feel bored. Not because i don't want to spend my time with them, it just, passing christmas and new year with them seems like another ordinary day passed. It's too unfortunate.

For myself, i want to lost another kilos. LOL. My target is 62kg (now around 65-66kg, sigh). Be a mature man, that listen more, understand more, speak less, eat less (lol). And i have to learn something new, something that is out of the box, out of my comfort zone. I also want to maintain this blog, more update are coming this year! Amen.

Let's make this year fantastic!

2015: Friends, Love

It is really been a while since my latest post. Almost a year, lol.

So, lets see, how things going in the past one year.

I lost two of my grandparents.
My grandma from dad side, on April
My grandpa from mom side, on October
It reminds me about life, that everything is temporary. So enjoy it while you are with them, as we grew up, they grew older. Time flies.

Anyway, lets move on.

I could make friends with some g-friends around my ages. Actually i am the oldest among them, but yeah, for the first time, i feel happy that finally i have a friends to hang out, i mean, friends like really friends. Actually, i have Hansel and his bf as my friends. More than that, Hansel means like my own brother to me. But, still i felt there's something missing. I assumed my previous teenager stage made me feel that i need more friends to fill my life, considering all of my g-friends that i got are my ex-bf friends.

So, my best two friends are Joe (1year younger) and Danny (4 years younger). The funny thing is, they have a love-hate relationship as a friend, lol. It's quite complicated, tho. I don't know if i am too old for seeing their relationship or less-experienced, but i think they have too many dramas. For example, one day they could be a best friend, and one other day they could hate each other. But, i think the most important thing is i am none like them. (if one day you two read this, i'm sorry :P but it's true!)

---

Let's skip them anyway, i tend to focus on my story than their story, lol.

So, i got closed with someone called Edward. We have 8 years difference and he is the older one. I met him at the g-club on February. I saw him as a kind and serious personality (what else that he would seek in a relationship for a man 8 years older than me, right?). So i think it's good for me know more about him, to fall in love with him.

We managed our relationship, till on April, he asked me to be his bf on my birthday.

I said yes.

About my feeling towards him..

I think, i was thinking too much. I made a border to myself, about my standard to be my bf. I wanted him as a boyfriend capable to do some things, like driving, the way the act, etc. On the other side, i did not even tell him about what i wanted him to be, because i wanted to love him just the way he is. That limitation made me confused about my feeling to him. In addition, you guys might not have any idea how busy he is. Sometimes he just give me message for informing about what he is doing and didn't bother the message that i've sent to him, or he might answer the latest question for me, then he is gone, working again.

There's also a condition where we met, but somehow he was really busy. His physical body was with me, but his brain was with his clients. I don't know about other relationship, but i kinda feel sick of understanding things, i mean, yes, i have to understand about his condition, he is really serious on taking care of his future, he is the one who pays for his own living. But, i kinda tired of understanding the situation. I also have things to be taken care. My feelings towards him.

And how about his feeling?

He loved me just the way i am.

He never complains to me. Even on his very down moment that i could not be there, he tried to understand me. There's also a moment when i really busy with my phone because of 'virtual hang out' with my friends, and he just patiently waiting for me. What he always told to himselves is: "whatever the condition, i know that in the end my bf will be here with me."

---

Somehow my confused feeling made me say to Edward that i had no feeling towards him. That really broke his heart. 

At first, he did not want to break up with me, but one week later, he consider our relationship had ended. And now, i really feel regret of saying that.

It's all the problems was on me. I am the one who couldn't accept him as the way he is, and if he could do it, why i couldn't?

So, on Dec 23rd, i met him again. I said that how sorry i was, to act so ridiculous, and i wanted a second chance to fix the relationship.

He said that, after all this time, we've been 8 months together, and he really love me. He also told me how much he've been hurt. He knows that he was busy. But all his life is about work and me. If he didn't do anything for work, then his time is being given to me. And now, whenever he came home and saw his bed empty (i was the one who often sleep at his place back then), about my habit to fight over the blanket with him, the noodle hunting things, making he felt really hurt. So, he didn't want to let me hurt him again. He could not risk it. Besides, 8 months are really something. He was really afraid. And i understand.

By the time i write this blog. I still can picture moments before we broke up. When he told me his story, what he did today, about he really tried not to see his phone, his smile, his presence of love.

God, i really have a big sin of hurting someone super kind like him. I was totally a jerk, even i could not stand to see about what i have done to him.

---

And now, yes, i am still having a chat with him.

He seems to be a different person. I don't have any idea if he is busier that usual, but he tend to reply me slower than before, sometimes he even gone and reply the day after, in the afternoon. He said that he was too tired of his job. I understand.

How could i get a second chance to fix myself and the relationship if the condition is like this?

Life's Goal

Have you ever feel there is something missing in your life, even when you have everything, friends, money, of even life-partner? And because something that is missing, is so bothering you so that even you have all things there, you still cannot enjoy your life?

Well, that something missing is probably is what you want to achieve in your life, yet, you haven't achieved it. Or, maybe, you thought that you already fulfil your goal, but when you achieved it, you still feel empty. 

Actually i don't have any idea why i wrote this. A friend of mine, last Sunday told me, "See about yourself, you have no problem with your money, your dad can afford whatever you want. About your face, well, you are not ugly. Friends? You have me, you have your other friends, you should be happy than other people. It's just you haven't got boyfriend doesn't mean this kind thing make you can't enjoy you life."

Ya, my friend is right. How could this one aspect - haven't got boyfriend thing - can make you blind, can't be thankful about what i have in my life. Many people maybe still trying to achieve what i have , but i don't feel thankful about it. human tends to look for another excuse. So, this is my excuse, this post's title. What if, maybe my life's goal is to find soulmate? So cheesy, right? lol. Even in game The Sims - simulation game of life-, you have to choose goal for your sims. About career, fortune, popularity, soulmate, etc.

Maybe romance movie, drama series affect me so much, so that i think i feel lonely, i feel desperate if i don't have boyfriend. Honestly, still i don't know what i want to get in my life. My road is still long way to go. I haven't got a job, i haven't graduated yet from my studies. But, now, what i realized is i don't want any regret. Many people sacrificed what they've got just to fulfil their dream, and once they achieve it, they lost the other things that they've got.

So, maybe, today's message is, be grateful for what you have. Dreams? chase it, but don't forget about what you've got. Don't sacrifice what you've got just for chasing your dream, unless it is worth it and you won't feel regret about what you will sacrifice.

Resolution

It's been 12 days since 2015. Usually people have their new spirit, future, what to do for this new year, including me. Sometimes we have to make a plan, so we have an objective to be reached, nevertheless, we don't have any spirit to live a day (maybe too exaggerate, but well..)

So, do you guys have any resolution, or new kind of things to do in 2015? You better have. So, here's mine:

- Before new year, i bought a diary for one year. I think it's good for me to write every single day that i passed. Sometimes i can't see any different from day to day, but maybe if i see it from the first day till the last day in 2015, so i will know what have i done in this one year, what event that make me happy, and this year will make me gonna be what kind of person..?

- Resolution, resolution. Every new year never feels complete if i haven't make a resolution. lol. I didn't write a these kind resolution: i want to be a better person, more mature person - because something like that is too common, beside, who don't want to be a better person, everyone wants it. I wrote about my study, that i hope i can achieve high GPA. Then, hope that i can find the new one..?lol. AMEN.

Well, i don't really have anything to write on, since the last post.

So, c u guys later?

-happy belated new year 2015-

Three Days Left

Hi, there..

It's been a while i didn't post anything here. Maybe it's because i kinda feel lazy to write something, or maybe because i don't have anything special to be written here. Lol, of course the second reason is a bullshit, everyday that passed all are special because even one day can change the situation, right?

Two days ago, when i was in my hometown, i heard bad news, that's my aunt suddenly died in her 39 age. It's because of stroke, she had a high pressure blood and maybe she couldn't maintain her own health (i didn't have a close relationship with her).

As i said that i don't have a close relationship with that aunt, but somehow i feel sad. After all, she was a mother of her sons and daughter, a sister of her siblings, a daughter of her parents, a wife of her husband. And now she is gone. So, my point is, maybe all that we do is just a boring routines, that we meet the same annoying person, have non-ending tasks, but maybe someday you'll miss them. So, just enjoy the moments, all things would change, sooner or later.

It's the same like this year, just three more days we have to move on from 2014 to 2015. So, make sure that you spend your last year with your beloved one :)

Lonely

I don't mean to pity myself. But when night comes, it feels like i feel alone. After i broke up with Stefan and decided to live in Jakarta, my life seems lonelier. You know, when i had a long distance relationship, i always looked at my phone either to chat with him, or just see if my boyfriend gave me a message, and now, when i look at my phone, seems like i am waiting for someone giving me text, silly me. More over,  for about a month i lived with my family, i have my mom to talk with, any topics (well, except my orientation of course), we even watched Korean drama together, and that made me feel less lonelier.

I have quite many gay friends, including Hansel, Stefan's best friends, etc. But you know, you can't count on them every single time. They have their own problems, their own activities. I remember how grateful my high school and my university life. I have quite many friends although most of them are women or straight men, but they were living with me back then. I mean, of course i couldn't share my gay things to them, but at least there were some people who accompanied me eating, chatting, about anything.

With the condition of me now, jobless, going to university only at night, no boyfriend, no dates, i think it's quite normal if i feel lonely, haha. At first, i enjoy my day, feels so free! I can meet someone new, meet them, but you know, people come and go fast, especially when you know them from online apps. I also feel something is missed. Well, maybe this is the part of me that try to adapt with present condition. I am going through my single status just for 4 months, still okay if i feel lonely, isn't it? My past is already over, and now it is the time for me to build a better me. Moving on is not only for letting your ex go, moreover, you have to move on from your previous life from your comfort zone, too.

Anyway, who feels alone here? Let's chat! #eh :D

January to November

It's been a while since i posted the previous post.

And now, it is DECEMBER!

Many people feel happy about December, because this month is related to Christmas, Holiday, Vacation, etc. Kids tend to be more happy because in Christmas they usually get gifts from their Santa, or family trip.

Well, unfortunately, i didn't grow up in that kind of family. My dad is christian, and my mom is buddhism. I am Christian, and i grew up in a church that doesn't celebrate Christmas. So when i was in High school, people felt excited about this month, but i couldn't be as excited as them. All i thought about is just holiday (i bet everyone loves holiday, right?lol)

***

When i wrote about this, i thought about my 11 months passed. How this year passed so fast. What did i do for 11 months? Did i enjoy this year so much that everything seems like just an illusion?

So i started to remember...

I spent my new year 2014 in Shanghai, with my friends there. Not different with in Indonesia, we saw fireworks, and in the morning seeing sunrise from The Bund (the iconic place in shanghai). The unique thing we did is, we flied a lantern, we wrote our wish for this 2014. I forgot what i wrote completely, but i remember i wrote things about getting a job and being a better person than before (it's standard, right? lol)

So, my class period was over, thank God that i could be the 2nd rank from total class in my level. That time i felt proud because my competitors are from all around world, lol too exaggerate. The first semester was over, i went back to Indonesia from China for about one month in Feb-March. I celebrated Valentine with Stefan, and had a trip for 2days 1 night with Stefan and his best friends + couples.

And since March-July, i didn't thing i did a memorable things. Just did study, have a party (i had a harder party than last semester), shop, hang out, eat a fine food, but most of my time i spent in dorm, because i already felt bored there.

Mid-July, i went back to Indonesia for good. i didn't get any rank position in second semester because the regulation in university, for those who go for good, their scores wouldn't be counted for getting ranked.

Mid August, I broke up with Stefan, last August i decided to enrol my self in a university in Jakarta for having master degree. Seems like my study period since kindergarten haven't finished yet, huh?

And i started my first semester in Mid September. In class, my personality couldn't match with my classmates. Well, straight people talked about girls, cars, and i have no interest on that, lol. I don't have a bunch of friends there, but i am thankful enough that i have few friends there, that is smart and i can count on with :D

Then, since October-now, there's not much that i can tell about. Nothing special, if i wrote it per month, but overall... My life in Jakarta not as bad as i thought. I met a friend, Hansel, who accompanied me though the days that i felt lonely, lol. Really thank to him. There's one day that we had a trip to Bandung for having holiday together, then he also fulfilled my wish to go clubbing for the first time in Jakarta, hahaha. But the most important thing, he accompanied me in my very hardest time, that moved on from my ex. He often asks me to go out with his partner, Kristof to watch movie, hang out, or even karaoke together. I also like to play to his place, for having a free-flow Baileys and Sheridan :P Really thanks to him, my god mother. :P

***

Now, i remember about my wishes that i wrote in lantern. About becoming the better of me. Seems like i've passed one process (or maybe still on process), that is for letting someone go. This process required me to have more patient, more thoughtful from having a decision, and in the end might transform me to be a more mature version of me.

For about getting a job, yes i am still unemployed, lol. But i don't feel ashamed. I can hang out, window shopping in noon, and have a class at night. There surely a time for me that one day i run my life like other people, work from 9 to 5. It's just not my time, yet. Just enjoy every process in my life! I don't have to get up early, so a life!

And today is the first day in December. i have 3 wishes:

- I hope i could end my last month in 2014 with joyful memories.

- Since January till now, i have lost 4kilos, but gained 2kilos. My second wish is i could lost again my 2kilos that i gained, lol.

- I enjoy my life now, i am not looking for a relationship, but i hope this month, i could meet my Mr. Right (just for meeting and knowing Mr. Right, won't counted as i want a relationship, right? :D)

I do have wishes for this last month. What are your wishes?

"You have one month to finish the book of 2014. Make the last chapter a perfect one."

Time to Move On

It is hard for moving on. I did not think that someday i would have to let Stefan go. For every fights that we've been through, it is me, the one that wanted to break up. But every time i wanted to break up, Stefan always be the one who preserved our relationship. Never thought that he was the one who broke it.

For about two days after we broke up, i turned off my cellphone. I didn't want to see it, because every time i hold my phone, i wanted to contact Stefan. Hoping that what i did would help me to move on faster. But actually it couldn't. That day, didn't know anything about him also make me suffer. So, after two days, i brave my self to turn on phone. I saw a best friend of him gave me text, make sure i am okay. And in the end, i couldn't stand not knowing his condition, i asked how his condition either through social media, or ask his friend.

Suddenly, i remembered about one thing, he said that i have to show my efforts to be closed with him. So i decided to go to Jakarta, whatever it took. I thought, it is hard to get a job fast, i have to send my CV to some firms, let them filter it, then blah blah, the process might be taking a while. So, the faster way is going to university again, as a student. And fortunately, there's one university that still opening their enrolment, so i enrolled and i succeed to enter.

I knew that actually it was hopeless. Stefan said that he moved on. He did not have any feeling towards me anymore. That whatever i did wouldn't make him look even for a glance. But, yes, i wanted to show my effort, even i failed, at least i've tried :)

That was exactly one month since we broke up that i moved to Jakarta. At first, i felt really wrong to move in here. I left my family there, especially my mom, that told me how lonely she was, because she didn't have friend to talk with. Also, i am not the type that could have many friends easily (especially with the straight one), adapting my self in new place is also quite hard.

But, God never leaved His son. He didn't abandoned me alone in Jakarta. It was few days after i lived here that i knew someone named Hansel. Hansel is much more mature than me, well considering his age is not the phase for him to be 'like me' anymore (lol).

Hansel said that he understands me, he knew my problems clearly because he has been though it. Many times he tried to stop my sadness, from the soft way till the hard way, lol. I am sorry, big bro, for making you tired of my behaviour :P . Thanks to Hansel, that he made my day became less lonelier. He asked me to have lunch together, even for Friday night, asked me to watch movie together, with his partner - Kristof. Even he barely knew me, he cared of me. Few times i asked him to go here, there, and he wanted to fulfil it. Seems like he is my fairy godmother XD

***

Even though Hansel helped me to move on, all decisions are back to me. It is hard for me to accept the fact that we are not together. It's like, we've been together for 21 months, and after we broke up, all people, including myself have to let go. After what we've been through, How could i forget Stefan that fast? I couln't. Especially, now i am in Jakarta, one of the reason i go here is because of him, so it's like the only thing that make me survive is the hope, that maybe and only maybe, he would come back to me.

But, it's like the more i stand at that hope, the more i see that it's impossible for me and him to get back. I don't even know about my feeling to him. It's like, there a moment that i was very angry to Stefan. There's also a moment when i missed him so badly. And there's also a time when i missed and angry to him, lol. It's all mixed in one feeling.

Until one moment i realised, what do i miss about him? Do i really want to get back to him?

Actually maybe, the one that i really missed is our past time, the moment that we've spent together . The old him that i missed. How about now? I see that he is different now. Well, people changes, right? Do i really want to be back with the new him now?

***

Today should be Our 2nd Anniversary.

It's really ironic, because we couldn't celebrate our First Anniversary, because i was in overseas. And now, we are in the same city, but we couldn't celebrate it because of our status now, lol.

But i met Stefan, today.

Stefan asked me to meet up.

I didn't have any idea what we would talk today. But i agreed to meet him.

We've been talking about 2 hours,

Talking about our condition then and now, what we've done in a last 3 months. And in the end, he regret about our relationship. I mean, we've been so close and now even for meeting like this, we felt awkward first. So he wanted to be a friend again with me.

***

I see my life back then, and now.

Time make me became a different person. I don't know that i changed to be a better or the worse one, but i think , there's always a value for something that happened.

Thank's to our broken relationship, that now i knew a new friends, new brother. That in out there, there are so many great people that too waste if we don't know about them. I could learn new things, have new friends, other than Stefan's friends. And they love me :) (or maybe i feel too confident about this?lol)

***

Then, what do i really want?

I don't know, lol.

But what i know is i enjoy my time today, i have friends, so i don't feel lonely. i also have activities like going to campus, i can wake up not too early, i can have myself watching movies. About relationship, for now, i am not looking a new or old relationship, i do enjoying my freedom, hahaha. The important one is...

I know that i am happy :)

The Consequences

I thought i have succeeded for managing my long distance relationship. But, actually i didn't.

It's like what i've said in previous post, that when you are living far away from him, the world is also different. You have to adapt with condition there, make friends there, and sometimes that kind things would make you busy so that you 'abandoned' your life's friends, families in hometown. Especially for me. For every semester, we had a different friends, so we had to make new friends, again. And it made Stefan felt lonely. But he didn't tell me, on a contrary, he said, i should be the one that enjoy my time there, my last semester there. I thought that he was right. This was my only chance to enjoy it, the last semester, and after that, i would came back again to Indonesia and plan about our future

So one year has ended. I went back to Indonesia.

Honestly, when i came back, i did not have any idea what i would do next.

Of course, find a job, in Jakarta, lived together with Stefan would be the best decisions. But i also have to consider about my family. In 2013 me and am just moved out from my home town to another city, and my dad really count on me to help him designing the room. But it was pending because of my going to China. Second, my dad also wanted me to help him in his company. It's like.. My dad have been giving me tuition money since elementary school till now, should i be the one who give thank by working to him? It sounds fair right? When i told dad about my plan go get a job, my dad got quite angry. He said that he paid my school just for me giving my contribution to other firms? Well, i was speechless.

Stefan on the other side, he pushed me to have a decision. Ya, i know, seems like our future is so blurred, right? One of his friend, told him that he couldn't depend on me. Although i've back to Indonesia, but technically we still live in different city. At that time, i just had this plan. I would help my dad to finish home, then i would go to Jakarta, working there.

***

One day, Stefan told me, that he felt lonely when i was in China, i was so busy with my life there, so he felt he was like a doll, that i played with just when i felt lonely, and if i had friends, i would put him away. He also said that he loved someone when i was there.

Well, it's already happened right? I forgave him. I knew that it's not his fault completely. I strictly told him, you have to choose one of us. Well, who want their love share by other people, right? He said that he chose me.

But our relationship became worse. On August 11th 2014, he told me that he wanted a break time. It didn't mean that we broke up. But he thought that every relationship that we built, he was the one who did the efforts. And now it's the time for me to walk towards him.

As what i remember, yes. Most of the time, he was the one who spent more effort than me, so, yes, i agreed to him. He gave me 3months to fix it, until our second anniversary.

***

On August 15th, i went to Jakarta, because Sandy, one of Stefan's best friends had a birthday celebration on 16th -- the same date for our 21months anniversary . I planned to stay over at Stefan's place till 18th.

On 16th August, we still shopped for a couple shirt, different colour. Then we used it to Sandy's birthday dinner. I knew that Stefan's attitude was different towards me, he seems like didn't have any feeling anymore, he didn't hugged me if i didn't hug him first. He didn't want to kiss me, at all.

If you asked me what kind of feeling that i had towards him? Well, my feeling towards him didn't changed at all. Ya, because i knew that i had a commitment, that in the end of relationship, we would feel saturated. But that kind of feeling we would go thought, sooner or later.

On 17th August 2014, Stefan asked me how i felt towards him. I answered that i still have the same feeling like the first time we met. But he said sorry, he said that we couldn't be together again. These 3 days, he wanted to know about his feeling to me, and he knew, he lost his feeling to me, at all. He said that he couldn't wait for me until our second anniversary. It would be worthless, nothing would change.

Did it hurt? Hell, yeah.

But you can't have a relationship if there's just one person who puts effort, right? So, like it or not, we broke up, officially.

Long Distance Relationship

So, in the end, i went overseas for studying languages.

How was long distance relationship? At first, i didn't think that LDR was that hard. Come on, it's just for one year, and for holiday break before the 2nd Semester i would go back to Indonesia, would meet him again. But the truth, managing LDR is hard. Time is not flexible as before. There was time i didn't do anything but he was busy, on a contrary, there was time when i was busy and he didn't do anything.

Anyway, thanks to this technology era, there are so many applications for cam2cam that can be use lately, so with this technology, it would help us to decrease a little for missing each other.

I had asked some of my friends, the straight one, the one that made every LDR became hard is because we couldn't had a physical contact. Physical contact in here wasn't always about sex. Holding hands, hugging, having a joke directly. It has a different sensation when you talk directly and just via chat, right? Of course both of us miss the moment we hugged each other, how we teased one another directly, eating together, buying stuffs together, watching movies together, listening to music together.

We also experienced LDR consequences. You know, when you couldn't speak directly, there's many misunderstand. And because basically we felt lonely, for small problems became a big problems. It's not seldom how we fought over a small thing, that's not need to be a problem.

And, because the condition. My environment there was not the same as before. I had to make a new friends there. And i found it's quite hard, considering i am not the one that can be talkative or adapt in a new place that soon. So, i had to make a friend, whatever it took, or i would had no friends.

To became friends with Indonesian there was not quite easy, too. I had to adapt their life with mine. Some of them were not good in my bf's perspective. For example, going clubbing, shopping, afternoon tea. Well, there were not all Indonesian people did something like that, but you know. sometimes you got bored with people that was too good, that for me, doing daily things that could be done in Indonesia, made me felt bored. I felt like, hey, this is my only chance to live overseas, why i should do something regularly, let's do something more excited!

I am not a multitasking guy, sometimes i can't concentrate for dividing time to bf and my friends here and my bf in the same time. So, that made a new problem. I guess i always make a new problem, eh?

To make it fast..

One semester finally over, so i came back to Indonesia.

Too bad that we just meet once. That's for celebrating valentine day.

Guess what had i prepared for valentine? Lol, it was hard enough for me to give something unusual as a gift. People said, make something by yourself, that is more precious, because just one in a millions. So, i came to this idea. Valentine usually related by "so-sweet" things, so i tried to write quotations for 365 days (yes, i wrote it manually!). I wanted him to read it one per day, so he wouldn't forget how i love him, lol. I wrote that 365 quotations and i put on a plastic like tumbler. It could be an inspiration for reader to give something precious to their loved one. ;)

We had a fine dinner in a hotel near my home. It's because we didn't have any car there, so no choice, just eat near home, lol. And he stayed in my place. Feb 15th, his best friends with their BF came here to play in city where i lived and stayed for another one night in a villa that we rented.

For the second semester..

Well, actually there's not much different from what i did in first semester. Still, i had to find another friends, because in studying language like this, people came and go fast. Unfortunately, this semester's friends, they were all more party addict. They tend to go clubbing often. And, unfortunately i kinda like it. *sigh*

In the end. I could manage all those one year in China.

On Mid-July i went back to Indonesia, for good.

But, actually, the real problem was when i came to Indonesia.

Nb: Reader will find many wrong choices of words, or sentences that grammatically incorrect. I tried to finished this post, but i don't have any spirit to finish it. So this is the result, hope reader can understand what i posted here, hehe. Sorry..

Gay And Physical Appearance

It was three days ago when someone gave me message in gay app on my phone. I saw his profile, his picture are all no photos of him. I have three thoughts about people who don't post their photo. First, because he is discreet, which mean, he doesn't want any people know his face. Second, he is not confident enough with his face, and third reason is both, lol. Usually people did that for the second reason, but for me is the first one :P

So i saw his message, and actually his greeting is quite interesting. "Hi Mr Zombie, Halloween is already over, so can i chat with the real owner instead?" Then we went to a deep conversation, from talking about background education, place to work, about discreet things. And i quite enjoy it.

And two days ago, i felt like chatting in that app is not convenient. I want to add him to my line contact. But, i was afraid that the guy that i knew is not meeting my criteria. I mean, my motive is for friendship, but it can't be denied that gay also seek for physical appearance. It also happened to me that i really hope, he is not only have a smart brain, but also a good face, lol.

It might be not fair, because we can't choose our face, unless you want to get surgery, which is not cheap, right? You might be born as a poor guy, but you can be a hard worker person, earn money and be a rich man. But how about face? I guess, people who get plastic surgery would be gotten so much critics, too.

And related-to-that, i wrote this on my profile: a handsome face gets old, nice body will change, but a good man will always be a good man. On a contrary, i also seeing face for just only friendship? Oh my.

So asked i him to add my line id, i have a bad feeling about his appearance. For me, by knowing a name, we could guess what kind of face of the owner that name. Well, mine is an exception :P Well, you read all the names that i made in my blog, they are all so cool so that you guys could imagine all my cast are all handsome, lool. But his name is really standard. Or should i say that his name is below standard? oh my, how mean i am!

Then he added me. Well.. He is normal, has two eyes, one nose, one mouth. Just like everybody does. But, he is not my type. Should i say that he is ugly? Well.. What is the definition of ugliness, handsomeness?

So i tried to contact him, still had a conversation with him. But, well. My desire to talk with him is not as big as before. And it just survived for that one day. I have no desire to talk with him again :|

Well, i don't know is it all nature of gay that judge person based on appearance? It's like not fair, but i don't know what i should do. >.< well, i just hope that i won't get karma as what i did to him :( sorry.

Do you guys have any experience as mine?

Our Storied Back Then (Part 2)

At the end of january, i defeated the thesis defense, he wanted to see me, congratulated me directly, but i insisted because i thought it was no point going here just for congratulating me then go home. but of course he was the one i gave a call once i finished the thesis defense. 

New year was over, but another new year was coming to town, lol. Happy Chinese new year! We were going to buy new clothes together, but he was angry to me, because of  going there late. Ya, he was waiting me for about 3 hours, because i had my time with my straight friends together, celebrating my thesis defense. Ya, it was my fault, i still can't divide my time for my boyfriend and my friends, *sigh. (eh ya, btw i still remember how sour was his face XD).

They said February is the love month. Because there is valentine day. We spent our valentine by exchanging gifts with his best friends and their boyfriends. Stefan gave towel, as return, magically he also got the same gift, but different person who gave it, lol. What a coincidence. Then he stayed over again in my place, we went to eat fried rice at night and pork noodle in noon, soooo full of eating, lol. I wonder if he still remembered about him that felt shy of going out from my room because in outside so many friends of my housemate came to my place.

Because at that time i just waiting for my graduation, so i had to find job. We went to job fair together, i asked one of my best friend (straight) to go there because he was in the same city with me for doing internship. Again, that time i made him mad, because instead of asking his opinion, i asked my best friend opinion, lol

Well, talking about arguing, even for small things we did! I remember time when i made him house in  game The Sims. I asked Stefan to give me the sketch of the house, but in the end we had a small argue because it seems like i didn't appreciate what had he done.

April was my day! That's because its is my birthday month. We celebrated it by eating one of the famous ramen that open branch near my place. 2 weeks after my birthday, i made another celebration by eating together with his best friends. He gave me birthday cake and portrait of mine made of chocolate on it, lol. I still kept it because too cute to be eaten >.<

If the reader saw my post, mostly Stefan was the one who came to my place. It was. But, there also time when i came to his place. I arrived about 6 pm when i first time came to his city. We ate on a cafe, we ordered pizza, and another western meal but i forgot what exactly we ate other than that, lol. Suddenly it was raining, when we decided to go home (his home). Finding taxi was not as easy as in the capital. Stefan asked me to stay and waiting, while he was searching for taxi.

That was also the first time i came to Stefan's home,  After spending one night together, for tomorrow, Stefan wanted to buy stuffs to be sold again in his shop (his family's shop), we went together, taking public transportation, even riding bajaj, lol. At that time i didn't protest at all but actually i wanted to be protest, because of tired and felt hot, lol. but on the other side, i admired Stefan, because he raised in a tough family. So not like mine

Anyway, so many memories for me and him, right, hehe..

Then came the day of my graduation. he came to my graduation. I made a fake statement to my friends and my family about him, because i didn't have any idea how i met him unless i told them that i am gay and i met him in gay site, lol. We made another memory again, we took photo together. XD

In the same month as my graduation, was also our 6 months anniversary. I came to jakarta from my hometown, picking you up, then had lunch as usual. In the end, we went to an agency for organizing my leaving to China, for studying language. I asked Stefan to go with me. But he couldn't. He had responsibility here. I understood.

Living in hometown was not as efficient as before. There's time when i wanted to go to Stefan's city, but it was cancelled because of the big traffic.

Oh ya, he ever came to my hometown, once. But we just eating, eating, and eating. lol. In such a small town, there's no comfortable place for you to hangout. Lol. In the afternoon he went back again. Short time visit, but seems like we made new experience, another new memory.

The latest time we spent together before i went abroad was going to thousand island with our best friends group. He arranged it in a way so that can be the exact day for our 8 months anniversary. Stefan gave me couple ring. He wanted to bond our relationship, that i was completely him, he was completely mine. Stefan said, for our future after this would not be easy. Long term relationship.

Our very last meeting was the day i went to china. I told my parents that my community group in church came to say last goodbye, lol. Stefan with some of his best friend went to airport to give me last good bye. i still remember how we hugged each other, for the last time. Very last time.

Our Stories Back Then (Part 1)

So, here is my stories with Stefan..

As i mentioned before in here, that i knew him from forum. Few days after i knew him, we agreed to meet each other. Our first time meeting was in my area. I still remember that you wear office suit, because you got job interview (really job interview, or just his excuse to his parents? lol.

The day when he asked me to be his date, he was bringing a white rose that i didn't aware how could he brought that without me knowing. He also changed my iTunes music into If i ain't got you - maroon5 (that time, this music was my favourite!).

At the same day, he introduced me to his very best friend Sandy, Kelvin, and Fredy. It was so meaningful. I mean, they are his 'family' here. And this mean he wanted me to know his family. Although at that time i didn't want to meet them because i feel shy, lol. Ya, i am not the confident type. I still remember that i met them plus Fredy's boyfriend wannabe, lol. We went to karaoke together, that was my first time karaoke using vocal from the original singer -.-" .

7 days after our day is his birthday!

He came to my place to celebrate it together. You took taxi all the way here, because of late going here. It cost you quite much, but he said it was okay (i knew it wasn't okay >.<). Right after he came, we celebrate it by eating sushi in mall near my place. The waiter also gave free sushi for his D-day. After eating, i took him to go to my place. I gave him present, purple office shirt. To support him, hope that he could got a job soon. We also took photo together, which was become our first time photo.

About taking photo together, i remember our first time taking photo together with his best friends was in cafe that we could play games there. Ugh, that time was so much fun! Oh ya, right after we became couple, one day after Stefan's birthday, Fredy also had boyfriend with Vino. 2 days after Fredy-Vino's day, Kelvin also had boyfriend with Marcel. So happy seeing his family growing up :)

December was coming!! Stefan gave me gift that he made on his own. He made a display by sticking few cute things mixed in one place and making the christmas decoration on it. it was so cute. I still remember at that time you said: "happy christmas, maybe this things would make your place more full and become one of your thrash, but i hope you like it" (believe me, something made by ourself is the best gift ever. No one has the same thing as you have). In addition, he also gave me doraemon doll with my face on it, lol. Still on the same day, we celebrate christmas with your best friend and their couples. We took photos behind christmas tree that became our very first photo in the public.

Christmas was over, so.... Happy new year 2013! New year means new semester in my study, That time i din't have things to do because i just waited for my thesis defense. I decided to go to my place from hometown a week before university's activity started, and i asked Stefan to live together there. That was our 7 days together's experience. What we did back then? There was one day we went to cafe with name one of Indonesia's famous ice cream in central jakarta, we got there by public transport, not driving, so once again, he gave me new experience, hehe. There was days we spend by hanging out in mall, having lunch, dinner, and also went to cinema. Usual couple things do. At night, we spend our time by hugging and seeing the view from my place (i lived in condominium before) the view was heading to residences so you could see so many lights that made the view became beautiful. (like a movie drama, right?lol)

(To be continued..)