2015: Friends, Love

It is really been a while since my latest post. Almost a year, lol.

So, lets see, how things going in the past one year.

I lost two of my grandparents.
My grandma from dad side, on April
My grandpa from mom side, on October
It reminds me about life, that everything is temporary. So enjoy it while you are with them, as we grew up, they grew older. Time flies.

Anyway, lets move on.

I could make friends with some g-friends around my ages. Actually i am the oldest among them, but yeah, for the first time, i feel happy that finally i have a friends to hang out, i mean, friends like really friends. Actually, i have Hansel and his bf as my friends. More than that, Hansel means like my own brother to me. But, still i felt there's something missing. I assumed my previous teenager stage made me feel that i need more friends to fill my life, considering all of my g-friends that i got are my ex-bf friends.

So, my best two friends are Joe (1year younger) and Danny (4 years younger). The funny thing is, they have a love-hate relationship as a friend, lol. It's quite complicated, tho. I don't know if i am too old for seeing their relationship or less-experienced, but i think they have too many dramas. For example, one day they could be a best friend, and one other day they could hate each other. But, i think the most important thing is i am none like them. (if one day you two read this, i'm sorry :P but it's true!)

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Let's skip them anyway, i tend to focus on my story than their story, lol.

So, i got closed with someone called Edward. We have 8 years difference and he is the older one. I met him at the g-club on February. I saw him as a kind and serious personality (what else that he would seek in a relationship for a man 8 years older than me, right?). So i think it's good for me know more about him, to fall in love with him.

We managed our relationship, till on April, he asked me to be his bf on my birthday.

I said yes.

About my feeling towards him..

I think, i was thinking too much. I made a border to myself, about my standard to be my bf. I wanted him as a boyfriend capable to do some things, like driving, the way the act, etc. On the other side, i did not even tell him about what i wanted him to be, because i wanted to love him just the way he is. That limitation made me confused about my feeling to him. In addition, you guys might not have any idea how busy he is. Sometimes he just give me message for informing about what he is doing and didn't bother the message that i've sent to him, or he might answer the latest question for me, then he is gone, working again.

There's also a condition where we met, but somehow he was really busy. His physical body was with me, but his brain was with his clients. I don't know about other relationship, but i kinda feel sick of understanding things, i mean, yes, i have to understand about his condition, he is really serious on taking care of his future, he is the one who pays for his own living. But, i kinda tired of understanding the situation. I also have things to be taken care. My feelings towards him.

And how about his feeling?

He loved me just the way i am.

He never complains to me. Even on his very down moment that i could not be there, he tried to understand me. There's also a moment when i really busy with my phone because of 'virtual hang out' with my friends, and he just patiently waiting for me. What he always told to himselves is: "whatever the condition, i know that in the end my bf will be here with me."

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Somehow my confused feeling made me say to Edward that i had no feeling towards him. That really broke his heart. 

At first, he did not want to break up with me, but one week later, he consider our relationship had ended. And now, i really feel regret of saying that.

It's all the problems was on me. I am the one who couldn't accept him as the way he is, and if he could do it, why i couldn't?

So, on Dec 23rd, i met him again. I said that how sorry i was, to act so ridiculous, and i wanted a second chance to fix the relationship.

He said that, after all this time, we've been 8 months together, and he really love me. He also told me how much he've been hurt. He knows that he was busy. But all his life is about work and me. If he didn't do anything for work, then his time is being given to me. And now, whenever he came home and saw his bed empty (i was the one who often sleep at his place back then), about my habit to fight over the blanket with him, the noodle hunting things, making he felt really hurt. So, he didn't want to let me hurt him again. He could not risk it. Besides, 8 months are really something. He was really afraid. And i understand.

By the time i write this blog. I still can picture moments before we broke up. When he told me his story, what he did today, about he really tried not to see his phone, his smile, his presence of love.

God, i really have a big sin of hurting someone super kind like him. I was totally a jerk, even i could not stand to see about what i have done to him.

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And now, yes, i am still having a chat with him.

He seems to be a different person. I don't have any idea if he is busier that usual, but he tend to reply me slower than before, sometimes he even gone and reply the day after, in the afternoon. He said that he was too tired of his job. I understand.

How could i get a second chance to fix myself and the relationship if the condition is like this?

Life's Goal

Have you ever feel there is something missing in your life, even when you have everything, friends, money, of even life-partner? And because something that is missing, is so bothering you so that even you have all things there, you still cannot enjoy your life?

Well, that something missing is probably is what you want to achieve in your life, yet, you haven't achieved it. Or, maybe, you thought that you already fulfil your goal, but when you achieved it, you still feel empty. 

Actually i don't have any idea why i wrote this. A friend of mine, last Sunday told me, "See about yourself, you have no problem with your money, your dad can afford whatever you want. About your face, well, you are not ugly. Friends? You have me, you have your other friends, you should be happy than other people. It's just you haven't got boyfriend doesn't mean this kind thing make you can't enjoy you life."

Ya, my friend is right. How could this one aspect - haven't got boyfriend thing - can make you blind, can't be thankful about what i have in my life. Many people maybe still trying to achieve what i have , but i don't feel thankful about it. human tends to look for another excuse. So, this is my excuse, this post's title. What if, maybe my life's goal is to find soulmate? So cheesy, right? lol. Even in game The Sims - simulation game of life-, you have to choose goal for your sims. About career, fortune, popularity, soulmate, etc.

Maybe romance movie, drama series affect me so much, so that i think i feel lonely, i feel desperate if i don't have boyfriend. Honestly, still i don't know what i want to get in my life. My road is still long way to go. I haven't got a job, i haven't graduated yet from my studies. But, now, what i realized is i don't want any regret. Many people sacrificed what they've got just to fulfil their dream, and once they achieve it, they lost the other things that they've got.

So, maybe, today's message is, be grateful for what you have. Dreams? chase it, but don't forget about what you've got. Don't sacrifice what you've got just for chasing your dream, unless it is worth it and you won't feel regret about what you will sacrifice.

Resolution

It's been 12 days since 2015. Usually people have their new spirit, future, what to do for this new year, including me. Sometimes we have to make a plan, so we have an objective to be reached, nevertheless, we don't have any spirit to live a day (maybe too exaggerate, but well..)

So, do you guys have any resolution, or new kind of things to do in 2015? You better have. So, here's mine:

- Before new year, i bought a diary for one year. I think it's good for me to write every single day that i passed. Sometimes i can't see any different from day to day, but maybe if i see it from the first day till the last day in 2015, so i will know what have i done in this one year, what event that make me happy, and this year will make me gonna be what kind of person..?

- Resolution, resolution. Every new year never feels complete if i haven't make a resolution. lol. I didn't write a these kind resolution: i want to be a better person, more mature person - because something like that is too common, beside, who don't want to be a better person, everyone wants it. I wrote about my study, that i hope i can achieve high GPA. Then, hope that i can find the new one..?lol. AMEN.

Well, i don't really have anything to write on, since the last post.

So, c u guys later?

-happy belated new year 2015-