Stranger Become Someone

When two people became friend, and  feel comfortable for each other, they tend to know each other better and deeper. That was the time when love appeared me.

I knew Evan from forum, too. At that time, some friends just came and went away. There were some people who had objective searching for boyfriend, more than friend. There also some people that didn't quite 'click' when we did talking. For me personally, i didn't think of searching boyfriend, because i still enjoy being single, finding friends, exploring this world. So exciting XD~

He was the one who stepped on me first. He told me that he liked me. He also gave me his photo. When he said that he was attracted by me, i hadn't gave him my photo. Since then, i believe that love is not about physical appearance. It is about personality.

For about one week, me and Evan did an intense chat, knowing each other personality until we decided to meet in person. One day before we met, he gave me his picture. He said that he didn't want to hide himself. In addition, he gave me his photo to make me prepared so if i didn't like him could simply cancelled the meeting. A stupid thought.

I met him when i was bringing my 'real life' friends in Jakarta, because my friends wanted to buy something in Jakarta that couldn't be found near campus. So i did make some excused to leave my friends for meeting Evan (i said to my friend that i want to go to toilet, and accidentally meet my college friends there, lol.) Evan gave me short message told me that he was in the top of the floor, near ski-ring and i was standing in the ground floor seeing the top floor. I saw someone there holding phone wearing black jacket. I asked him if that person was him. Gotcha! He said it's not fair because he couldn't see me, but i could see him. So he went downstairs.

My first reaction when he was coming to me was: PANIC. Well, it's not exaggerate, but panic attack really happened to me. I went to bookstore in this floor, looking good place to hide. I looked around and saw circle shelves for the importing books in the middle bookstore. So i went there. When i was there and about to look outside, my eyes meet his eyes, and our distance is not even 1 meter. I startled. My eyes really showed the shocking expression to him. Actually i startled not because he was ugly. He is handsome :P. But i still hadn't prepared for meeting him in person. You can say that i was not confident.

Seeing him unexpectedly like this really made me couldn't control myself. Instead of greeting him, i run (yes i run). I run but slowly because we were in the bookstore, and he tried to chased me. Reader could imagine we were doing something like what we usually saw in bollywood film, except the truth that we were doing it in mall :|

In the end he reached my shoulder, and i surrender, didn't run anymore. I really forgot what we talked (maybe we talked about nothing, lol). But i was really happy. We just talked about 15 minutes and he said he wanted to leave because we fell awkward. I let him leave.

After he leaved. I fell regret, because i wanted to talk with him, wanted to know him more, seeing him smile and laugh with me. So i made some excused again to my friends and gave Evan short message. Thank God, he hadn't leaved mall, yet. He said that he was in MCD, eating ice cream. I came to him.

For about 2-3 hours we were talking until my friends called me said that they all already finished buying stuffs. So i guessed, it's time to go home. I told Evan that i should come to my friends. He understood and he leaved too. In the end, both of us leaving mall. I knew that there would be another meetings. New stories of our life had just started!

Knowing Other People Like Us

It is human instinct that we tend to feel not enough right? We always want more after gaining what we've wanted before. That also happened to me. So, i decided searching for another gay friends. 

With the facilities of forum, i made a new thread, titled: "Searching Friends, Chinese Ethnic would be preferred (No Offense)." My thread were popular. Some gays gave me messages, whether it is private or just simply replied the thread, i also contacted them. Some of them go and leave, some of them gave me memories that i couldn't forget about.

One thing about me, i wrote myself as a discreet guy. I don't want others knew about me. I did this to prevent myself being known from my 'real world' (well, basically i don't want to be popular in 'this world'), so i said that i didn't want to give them my face. I also didn't ask others photo, because i knew if couldn't give them mine, why shouldn't they gave. I still do believe that friendship is not seeing outside, otherwise giving what we have gotten based on our own experiences and shared it.

I knew Handy as my second gay friend. He is 6 years older than me, lived in Borneo Island. I just contacted him for about 1-2 months (i forgot exactly, but it was February-March 2010). Handy is a smart guy, he was graduated from medical school, he is Christian, he loves God and want to learn about bible deeply. When i knew him, he still couldn't accept himself as gay. In addition, because of learning deeply about what it said on bible. (By the way, what i post about this just about his thought, i just copied based on what i remembered) It is said on the bible that: Whoever wants to be His disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Him. He believed that gay thing is one of His Challenge for him to be denied. And in order to leave this thing, he had to leave this world, including his gay friend (I am not lifting this topic for debating, just for sharing how i lost one of my friends)

On Jun, i knew another gay named Robby. He is 2 years older than me, lived in Capital West Java. Well, personally i kinda have a crush on him (but not for a long time), because he is smart (for me, smart people are always have their own charm ;)) and he is keeping faith in his religion. Unfortunately, i found it was hard for me to contact him because he was more discreet than me. He didn't share his phone number, so the only way i could contact him was through email and chatting. Because that time was holiday time for students and he took a missionary to go to a small village (yes, he is Christian and he was willing to do something extreme -for me it was extreme, like this). You know, when two people can't get through communication well, that kind of likeness would be fade, right? I got to know him again about two years ago (?) via facebook and lost him again (lol). Well, is it just me, the one who wanted to keep contact with old friend? But seems like they didn't look for me as i look for them.

In the end, i did trading photo with those two guys. After knowing their personality, i guess there are no reason to hide our 'bare face' right?

The other next two month, it was early August when i knew someone and also met someone for the first time, which is eventually become my first love, my first date...

First Time Exploring

It was on the 1st January 2010 when i was starting to join a community (gay forum), and be acquainted with gay. It was because i felt saturated,  no friends in common to share this kind of problems. That time i was 19, so it was like the perfect moment to look for my real identity, who i am and what i want to do with this life.

Hendra (not his real name - by the way, every time i post names, i won't post his/her real name) is my first gay that i knew from forum. He is 7 years older than me. What was the reason why i greeted him? Classic answer, because he is handsome, lol. Until now, i still have his contact, i also gave him message to ask about his condition periodically, because i don't want to lose friends. Mostly people come and go, especially when you don't have any chemistry. But i do believe that friendship is more than just about chemistry, right?

Unfortunately, i never met Hendra till now. His hometown is in East Java while mine is in west. The time i knew him, he has been living in Australia. Well, distance can't separate people to know each other, right?

When i thought about that time, i am really thankful to God, that my first gay friend is not the 'bad' one. He wanted to answer all my questions patiently. Somehow, his appearance + his brain made me had a crush on him :P . Can you imagine how you have to be patient answering curiosities of a first-time-exploring-gay-world-kid? (lol)

Hendra is one of my biggest inspiration. Some of gay leave / blame God of what he/she become. But Hendra is not that kind of guy. He doesn't leave God in this situation, on the other hands, he takes some services in church, joined church community, etc. You maybe thinking that this kind of behavior is like a hypocrite thing. But i tell you this: It is very possible for you to live as the way you are while you are live as a christian. It is not a choices for us to be gay, like we can't choose our gender, parents, ethnic, etc. But you can choose how you live your way as what our religion taught us (loving people, afraid of God, etc). Hendra is one of the proven subject (lol). Seems like my post became out of topic =.=

About his relationship, first time i knew him, he was with a chinese (real chinese) living together for about 2 years (if i am not wrong). Unfortunately they had to broke up because his partner decided to marry woman. And last time i contact him which is few months ago, he already had a bf, an auckland, and i hope this time he could settle down forever with his bf :)

Well, this post i dedicated for him. Because of him, i could be what i am. Not becoming the bad one, because i believe, every first (first friend, first major, first job) would determine of what you'd become later. 

How Life Changed Me (Part 2)

Related-with previous post.

Actually i know the reason why i've changed.

The core of the changes is simply because of life. As life i went through as a teenager, i did have a crush on someone, i fell in love, i had a date, and of course i fell a broken heart as well.

But, because i am a melancholy and a perfectionist guy. I believed that even gay could have a probability that could just only date one person (the right one, the first love) for living together, happily ever after. And i wanted to be like that so badly. But you know, dating someone means it's not only you who work on relationship. Sometimes a relationship shaky, even break up. That's actually a normal thing. In the end, we broke up, i had a broken heart. I found myself quite depressed that time.

I need one and a half year to move on from my first ex. It is really a long period of time, right (sigh). And i think i lost the old of me, on the process of moving on.

What i got as a lesson from relationship is: Don't love someone too much, because that too much thing could hurt you so much. Well, so many quotes about love, when you read it, actually some of them are contradict from one and another. Just believe what you like, but you have to be open minded to read and understand the other contradict quotes. Maybe for now you can't believe the contradict one, but when you had a broken heart or other hurt things, you will start believe at one and maybe leaving other quotes that you believed before. Regardless of everything, it's all quotes are made by human

Well, thank God that i know the bad things of my personality and i am trying to fix it. I don't want to fix the bad things because of anyone, but because i know that this is bad influences, and i should leave it.

How Life Changed Me (Part 1)

Last night, i opened my old blog, seeing the posts that i still keep it in draft. Reading my old posts make me realize that i have changed. I do really become a different person.

From small things: i don't know whether this is part of me that already become mature, or other aspects change me, but seeing old times, actually i found myself as a 'funny' guy. So many words there that i purposely made wrong and i gave a scribble like this for entertaining the readers. Well, i told you guys this not because i used to be alay, but i was a cheerful-pure kiddo back then (lol).

In socialization, i used to be happy seeing new friends, dare to greet them, ask his/her name first, etc (i was a very friendly guy :P). Even for saying sorry and thank you for me were so easily said. It was like a habit for saying thank you and sorry without any burden.

Well, if you compared it with the 'now' me:

I prefer spend my time alone for hours to hangout with people. When i meet new people, i tend to be silent 'till the other greeted me first. i feel insecure when i was in a new place or with new people around me. I know that it is not good for me but i still do it (sigh).

For the thankyou-sorry thing. I think i've changed too. Two days ago, i took a free shuttle bus. When i arrived at the destination, other people said thank you to the driver. I even forgot that i should thank the driver for giving a free ride. The worse thing is, after they said thank you, i just keep silent taking off the bus.

Oh my, why i could become this kind of person.

-

But, hey, don't be afraid of me (lol)

I am a nice person. (well, basically people are nice until some trigger made him become a bad one, right?) I still can be a best friend for my best friends. I heard their stories and tried to understand them, tried to put my position if i were them (but i am lack at giving suggestions). It's not because i am afraid to lose them, but because i care about them.

On social media, if you are chatting with me, you know that sometimes i greeted you guys first, right? Moreover, i often become the talkative one. Sometimes i gave a silly jokes, simply for the conversation more colorful. But well, Not everything would be the same if you meet me in person. It would be more awkward because in chatting, i could think first about what i want to write, and of course both you and i can't see one another directly. You guys would understand, wouldn't you?

Hello World

I still can't believe that I am becoming a blogger (again). It is simply just because i knew people, and he has a blog. Reading his blog make me miss how i write again. (thanks to him)

So here I am..

Well, this is my second blog. My first blog that i've been written is already abandoned because of some reasons. Besides, that blog i created in 2010 (when i was 19), and reading it again made me feel creepy about myself (lol)

As a book has an author, so is this blog. Below are some information about me:

My nick is Ndr, i live as an Aries (actually i don't really believe zodiac, but still i wrote it, lol), i was born in Indonesia as  Chinese, on 1991 with an O blood type, I am Christian, and yes, i am gay.

In my 'real life', my straight friends don't know the fact that i am gay. So, technically i am still inside of closet, discreet, whatever the names are. So if you know me in real life, i prefer to be called Ndr on this blog.

The purpose why i start to make a blog, is because i want to share some of my thoughts while i am doing autobiography of my life that maybe can't be exposed in my real life, forever.

That's all for now, thanks for entering my blog, dropping some comments would be much appreciated, but if you don't like my blog, just simply close it, thanks :)

Ps: My english grammar, structure maybe are not exactly correct, but i guess as long as the readers could understand, it should be no problem, right? It's not because i want go international (lol), i just want to improve my english skill.