Our Stories Back Then (Part 1)

So, here is my stories with Stefan..

As i mentioned before in here, that i knew him from forum. Few days after i knew him, we agreed to meet each other. Our first time meeting was in my area. I still remember that you wear office suit, because you got job interview (really job interview, or just his excuse to his parents? lol.

The day when he asked me to be his date, he was bringing a white rose that i didn't aware how could he brought that without me knowing. He also changed my iTunes music into If i ain't got you - maroon5 (that time, this music was my favourite!).

At the same day, he introduced me to his very best friend Sandy, Kelvin, and Fredy. It was so meaningful. I mean, they are his 'family' here. And this mean he wanted me to know his family. Although at that time i didn't want to meet them because i feel shy, lol. Ya, i am not the confident type. I still remember that i met them plus Fredy's boyfriend wannabe, lol. We went to karaoke together, that was my first time karaoke using vocal from the original singer -.-" .

7 days after our day is his birthday!

He came to my place to celebrate it together. You took taxi all the way here, because of late going here. It cost you quite much, but he said it was okay (i knew it wasn't okay >.<). Right after he came, we celebrate it by eating sushi in mall near my place. The waiter also gave free sushi for his D-day. After eating, i took him to go to my place. I gave him present, purple office shirt. To support him, hope that he could got a job soon. We also took photo together, which was become our first time photo.

About taking photo together, i remember our first time taking photo together with his best friends was in cafe that we could play games there. Ugh, that time was so much fun! Oh ya, right after we became couple, one day after Stefan's birthday, Fredy also had boyfriend with Vino. 2 days after Fredy-Vino's day, Kelvin also had boyfriend with Marcel. So happy seeing his family growing up :)

December was coming!! Stefan gave me gift that he made on his own. He made a display by sticking few cute things mixed in one place and making the christmas decoration on it. it was so cute. I still remember at that time you said: "happy christmas, maybe this things would make your place more full and become one of your thrash, but i hope you like it" (believe me, something made by ourself is the best gift ever. No one has the same thing as you have). In addition, he also gave me doraemon doll with my face on it, lol. Still on the same day, we celebrate christmas with your best friend and their couples. We took photos behind christmas tree that became our very first photo in the public.

Christmas was over, so.... Happy new year 2013! New year means new semester in my study, That time i din't have things to do because i just waited for my thesis defense. I decided to go to my place from hometown a week before university's activity started, and i asked Stefan to live together there. That was our 7 days together's experience. What we did back then? There was one day we went to cafe with name one of Indonesia's famous ice cream in central jakarta, we got there by public transport, not driving, so once again, he gave me new experience, hehe. There was days we spend by hanging out in mall, having lunch, dinner, and also went to cinema. Usual couple things do. At night, we spend our time by hugging and seeing the view from my place (i lived in condominium before) the view was heading to residences so you could see so many lights that made the view became beautiful. (like a movie drama, right?lol)

(To be continued..)

Personal Branding Equity

Thank God, although the weather for today's after 6pm was not good, i still came to class so that gave me inspiration to write this blog :P

It is because i attended today's marketing class, we discussed about branding equity. 30 minutes before class over, lecturer gave us time to think about our personal branding equity. What is our equity that make us different with other people, that make us be chosen out of others.

Well, it was hard for me at first, because this kind of question usually asked if we do the job interview, which is every time i got call for job interview, it is always hard to describe about myself.

It might be not our fault to think hard about ourself, how good we give value about ourself, how well we know ourself, because i think it is because school that we attended since kid did not provide us lessons like this, so we have to know it more by digging that knowledge by ourself.

***

So, i think hard about myself, how i could be 'useful' for others, how i could be me, that is different that other people. Here are some of my 'overconfident' branding equity about myself: :D

The most valuable thing that i want people think about when they heard something about me is: a good listener. It is because i have this passion: i love to hear what people told about their stories, their problems. Sometimes, people tend to hear the problem for giving comments, replies, moreover, giving judgement. But for me, i tried to put myself in their position first, if i were them, what i would feel, what kind of action that i want to do, what are the risks of doing each of actions. Sometimes, listening them and knowing their condition are what people want to get from telling their stories, because they don't always want to get suggestions. 

Second, i want people know me as a punctual person. Well, i know that every little time that passed even for one second can't be taken back. So, i really appreciate time. When people want to meet me, it means that they want to give some of their time for me, and if they come on time, they appreciate my time that i've spare to them.

Actually it is kinda hard for me knowing about myself, so i asked some of friends about me. I consider it as my brand equity, lol. Some friends told me that i am friendly. Am i?? They told me that i am categorised as a sociable person, that i could easily enter some community and become part of community fast. I actually don't think the same as my friends' thought. But, i more considered my self as a friendship maintainer (lol, pardon my language). I tried to contact some of my friends (especially gay one, because you know, gay tends to come and leave soon as their found that the people they just knew didn't quietly matched their criteria- even the motive is friendship.) I message them, asking about their life. Maybe, some of them may think that i am 'kepo'. But, well, people could think whatever their want, at least i do it for valuing my brand equity, lol.

Maybe that's enough for me writing my brand equity-related-to this blog, because i think reader would lazy to read the long written post, right? Besides, if i write others like i am discipline, could work under pressure, diligent, blah blah that is irrelevant and no point for finding someone special here #eh #wrongmotive lol.

As human, there is time when i didn't accomplish all those things. Maybe because i didn't concentrate enough to hear the problems, or maybe because at that time i had my own problem, etc. But well, i think, that's a normal thing. And i will try to fix it, so if people think about those three bold words above,  without thinking they will directly point me. :P

I won't write my weaknesses in here because my weaknesses could effect my equity, lol, so maybe next time in other post. And yes, feel free to add another brand equity of me by dropping comments here. :D

The Second One

As time goes by..

I tried to move on. It was hard. I broke two boys' heart, before. But, it was because i thought i could make a relationship with them, but it didn't work. So i was struggling this situation alone, (well, technically i didn't have a shoulder to cry on. I just had two friends that i could share with, but just via chatting. You know, sharing via chatting, you can't share your stories as maximal as directly with your mouth, lol)

If you ask how my relationship with those two boys, actually i still tried to contact one of them, the second one, because that boy is 3 years younger than me, incase he needed a guidance for the older one, lol. But thank God that he didn't ask guidance from me - 'the one who can't be moved' XD

The other one? Well, i tried not to contact him, because i found out that actually this guy is quite playboy, so instead of taking care of him, i am the one who should be taken care of, lol.

So, i continue to search for friendship not just in forum, because i found out that in forum, the active people there is just so-so (i knew them, but i didn't think that we shared the same thought). So i tried in some gay website. It was quite hard for finding friends here, because majority were the one who looking the 'fun' activities. In addition, i think, this site is quite older than the one from forum. So, some people already leaved it. Well, i was trying and trying, i didn't remember i knew someone special from that site, until i knew Stefan.

Stefan is two years older than me. Not like Evan, he already had experienced by dating not-so-many-but-quite-many-gays. At first, i thought that Stefan also like the others, that can't move my heart from Evan. Well, at that time you could say that i was love-to-the-death to Evan, lol.

As what i remember, we met several days after we knew from site. He came along to my nearby place, just for talking. Well, it was different when you were talking with newbie and the experience one, lol. On that day, he told me that he wasn't looking for dating guy. Because he thought that in his age (he is 2 years older than me), he was more than enough for looking about dates, he wanted to look for the more serious relationship, like a partner. Well, he got me right after he told me that.

***

Time by time, the more i knew Stefan, the more i like him. He was also willing to go to my place from his place which is in city near south Jakarta (and i lived in city near West Jakarta.) He also took the public transportation from there to here. You could imagine how was the public transportation in Indonesia, right?

For about one month we knew each other, and i think we were suitable for each other. Until one day, Stefan told about his willingness to be my partner.

Honestly, i was touched. He was making another place in my heart. But, there was Evan that is still inside my heart. So i told him, Yes. But, right now, Evan's heart was still inside of me. So, just try to help me by letting him go.

So, on November 16th 2012, i was officially taken.

Night Party

Last saturday, me and my friends in Jakarta decided to hang out together to one of the most popular straight club in Capital City. Actually, we wanted to go last 2 weeks, but because last 2 week was a religion-holiday, so the club was closed.

For me personally, i really missed going to club, party like what i did in overseas back then, listening to loud music while dancing is really my favorite time. But, of course going there alone was an idiot thing to do. So, at first i asked two of my gay friends, Hansel and his BF to go together. And coincidentally, another my gay friends that i knew from my ex also ask me to go there. So i accepted them to go together. I really felt excited, lol. For about 2 weeks i've been waiting for this day came. Night came, then we went there.

It was a hard day for me to reach that night time. I had to get up at 6.30 AM and prepared myself to go to a seminar. Seminar was finished at 12 PM, then one of my gay friends that is my ex's best friend's bf asked me if he could spent one night here because he lives with his parents and couldn't go home at night-morning time. I said okay, so he gave me his backpack and i had to bring it to my place. At 3 PM i arrived at my place. The weather was so hot so that i couldn't stand not to take a shower.

After taking shower, i had a meeting with my best friend (female) for having some quality time together. He had to maintain our friendship right? hehe.. So i was with her until 7 PM, then we leaved each other, i found that Hansel with his BF was in the mall where i was back then. So i came to him, and waiting till the night came.

We are all total 6 gays, 1 woman, and 1 straight guy were meeting in front of the gate for discussing about opening bottles to share it together. At that time i just knew 4 gays and the woman and one of stranger named Cass is real chinese (1 of the 6 gays), and he just wore short pants, so he couldn't enter the club. One of my friend, Jerry offer Cass to go to my place to borrow my pants (because my place is near club, just about IDR 20.000 to go to my place using taxi). Well, thanks to his handsome and well body so i didn't mind borrowing my pants :P

So, Cass changed his pants (in front of me and Jerry :P) and we went back to the club and together we run the night! I really enjoyed my time there. Most of the music i knew and i tried to sing it loudly, lol. We ordered 1 bottle of champagne and 1 bottle of tequila. It was enough for making me happy, not too much, not too little, just about the proportion. And you know, the effect of alcohol seemed like making everyone happy as well! We were not only dancing, but also, it was like doing a wild things. You know, we went to a straight club, not gay club. But what we have done? We hugged each other, two-gether, three-gether, four-gether, well, it was still normal actually, i mean we didn't do something like gay-kiss, or whatever like in some adult movie. The abnormal thing is maybe the fact that we hugged men-men so tightly in straight club. And i don't know what would i do if i met straight friends there seeing me doing that kind of things. Well.. Thank God i didn't meet anyone, hahaha.

In Club, Hansel's BF met his friends, and one of his friends, Damon, joined us. When music became uninteresting to be danced, we (our group with Damon) decided to leave club, and went for restaurant to eat something because one of us felt hungry. To make it short, i arrived to my room about 5.30 in the morning, then helped Cass to find taxi and leaving Jerry slept because he seemed drunk. After Cass leaved, i went to my room and sleep. What a night! :D

It was so interesting so that I am looking for the next party :P
Besides, i should enjoy my single status right? Before someone forbidding me to go to club again, lol.

Heart That Was Broken

Maintaining a relationship is not easy like in some movies, novels, or as what you thought on your mind. Especially when it is your first time for having relationship. No experience, for both me and Evan.

In addition, because of our location, the fact that we were discreet, it was hard for us meeting frequently. You know.. U have no experience, and technically we did our relationship like what couple did in long distance relationship. So, after so-many-fought, misunderstanding, six months that we fought together had to be ended.

If you asked me if i prefer had a broken heart to toothache, well, i prefer broken heart, lol. Toothache is more painful i think. But yes.. Broken heart couldn't be healed for 1-2 days. At least i need my one and half years for making me sure that i had moved on.

It sounds like i am an exaggerate person right. But really i need that long time for moving on. Ya, actually it was my fault to let myself to live in his shadow. I let sadness control over my happiness, craving for him coming back to me. It was because i had thought, that gay relationship could be like normal relationship that you can find one person for living, growing old together. But actually it was not that easy and really sounds cheesy rite? lol. It's me that too much reading and watching teenager love stories :P

At that time, i can't accept the fact that we broke up. So i tried to be back with him. With all the possibilities, that it actually turned around. On the contrary, what all i did just made him mad at me. In the end, he blocked all ways for me to keep contact him, from facebook, twitter. He also didn't reply my message, my phone call. His purpose was good. He did in order to helping me moved on from him. But, you know... It also made me really hurt. Also, the fact that he had another boyfriend few months after we broke up made me really messed up.

The process of moving on made me hurt other people as well. Actually i didn't mean to hurt others, I thought that i had moved on. So i tried to open my heart for others. Also, that time there was few people that showed me that they liked me. But i didn't.

There's some quote said: It is better for you to be loved than loving someone. Because you can try to love that people slowly. But i don't think that it worked for man2man relationship. I tried to love (lol, love? maybe it's more like opening heart, accept someone else) someone. And it failed. I tried again (with different people) and failed again.

So, what i learned for a relationship. You might open your heart, trying to love someone. But if you know that you can't. Don't forced it, otherwise, you might hurt other people.

Grateful September

September has ended.

Before sleeping, i reminisced what i have done in last month.

Well, it turns out that in September, i moved out (again) from my beloved home to the capital of Indonesia. I have several reasons why i moved here.

The main reason is.. Because i took the wrong major for my undergraduate program. Well, people always ask about what major i took when i wanted to search about job. I already felt wrong and i know for sure that i don't want to work in the same fields as my undergrad degree's major. So, i wanted to take the master degree. If you asked me whether i took the wrong major or not, well... I don't know, but i think it is better and at least this major is more general than the previous one.

Second.. Actually i wanted to fix my relationship with my last ex. I knew that long distance relationship can't be done forever. I also knew that we cannot force someone to do their best for us. So, i am the one who wanted to give my best, my effort to fix our relationship. At least, although i cannot fix it, i know that i've tried.

Last but not least, it is because i use to live with friends around me. When i lived with my family there, for about 2 months more, i just once hangout with my high school friends. And we could hangout together, because one of my very best friend leaving country for about 3 years. Well, to make it short, it was because i felt lonely.

Thank God that i could enroll to this master degree without coming there to take kind of tests. So in the middle of September, me and family looked for rented room and found the one that is near my campus, so it's so efficient.

Few days after moved in, i felt uncomfortable. Before, although i felt lonely, but in my home still i had family that i could talk to. Living in here also not that easy. The weather is much hotter than in previous city. In addition, i had to decide what i am going to eat, and to eat it alone. Seems like here is worse, right T.T

Still Thank God, i always know that He wouldn't abandoned His son. For about few days later, i knew some friends here, and one of my friend here really welcomed me. His name is Hansel. And now, seems like me and him are knowing each other for a very long time, like a big bro to me.

1st Love Memories

After that meeting incident, we became closer. There was time when Evan came to my rented apartment (i lived in city near Jakarta). Basically, because both of us have similarities (we both love one of the K-Pop girl group, and K-Variety Show), most of our time spent by watching those kind of K-thing.

There was also a time when we just spent our day in my room with chatting, giving and replying joke, until suddenly he stole a kiss from me. Really a quick kiss (not even 1 second maybe, lol). But that not-even-one-second-kiss really made.....  (i don't know how to describe it). It seems like there was a sensation, i don't know what kind of feeling or sensation, it seems like a small electricity spread over my vein. That was my first kiss. Still i could feel it and i really can't find that kind of sensation by kissing other men, lol.

We officially became a couple on September 20th 2010. I basically made it as planned ,so if you see it numerically, my anniversary date is 20092010, cute right? :P

Unfortunately, there were not many stories of us that can be told in here. It is because we seldom meet each other because of the distances. And also because of our status, discreet. Also, we seldom watching movie in Cinema. He said, with our limited time, it is so useless if we spent it just for a movie. Really most of our time spent whether in mall or just staying in my place. Other than that? Our time was just spent by chatting, texting, skype-ing. The standard of what long-distance-relationship done, lol. pathetic, right?

But, hey! There were also our quality time. The one that i can't forget until now.

He once said, pity me that everyday i had to go outside for eating. So he came to my apartment, bringing food made by his mom, and there was tofu inside of it! (I am really tofu lover!!) We were feeding each other, while doing a small talk. I was really happy!!!

There were also time when we were not afraid of evening. Evening always became nightmare for me, because it was a time that can separate us. Well, he had to go to come home in Jakarta. But for few times, he decided to stay at my apartment. We could talking all night long, or just keep silent staring each other face. Sometimes we also spent our night time with seeing stars from my window apartment, while hugging, kissing, and maybe more...