Jerry - Expectation That Become No More Than Just An Expectation

Updates...

Well, seems like i only post something when something bad happened to me, like now. lol.

---

Btw, about last post, i think my feeling towards Philip just a mix feeling because of our togetherness for the past 2 days. I discovered myself that i didn't have any feeling towards him. Maybe it's because of my loneliness, that assuming of every kiss mean something. For god's sake, it's just a lip-lip touch kiss, lol, fool me.

---

So, i have a friend and recently we become close. Call him, Jerry. He is 6 years older than me. Actually i met him in early 2015, on a stranger's birthday that i attend, because my friend asked me for a companion. We didn't communicate much, because i just know him and he already had boyfriend.

Last April, i went to Thai and coincidently he also went there. There's a time that we hanged out together while enjoying a cake. It's our 2nd time chatting. 

Short story, in March 2016, he just broke up with his Bf. After 2 years relationship and actually they relationship could end. It makes me wonder why, because i thought that this kind of people would try hard to fix the relationship the way it should be. But the more i try to understand, the more i thought that maybe this is the end.

Well, for me, a guy who's been 21 months relationship and got broke up, i know how much it hurt to be heartbroken. So i accompanied him chatting everyday, we talked about many things, from casual talk till hard topic, such as: church, living as a gay, gay's future in here, etc. I enjoy chatting with him, because i like talking about these things. Until one day, he ask about my future, whether i'm staying like this in gay's world, that consequently wasting my time, my family feeling, etc. I answered: "Is becoming gay a choice? i think we couldn't have a choice to be a straight or a gay. What we could choose is living as a gay, or living in a denial." Then he replied: "I just ask you from my deepest heart... because i am getting comfort with you."

Since then, we still communicate everyday, but i have a different feeling in replying his messages. i think i am starting to like this guy..

---

I know it's wrong, to like a broken heart guy. Who's still couldn't move on. I asked him about what he is looking right now. He obviously talk that he is in open-friendship, enjoying his life, and he's still communicating with his ex. He doesn't have any idea for the future, but what he need right now is a friend, to accompany him eating, watching movies, or hanging out. But what could i do? A feeling is not like a game that could be stopped with a single button. So i dare my self to continue liking him.

And here's the consequence...

I just know that actually it's not only me, the one who is close with him. And it's normal for a single person, right? it's very normal. It's just me who can't accept this fact.

On Monday, he hanged out with one of my group friends. I'm assuming that maybe my friend is also like him, well, who doesn't like a kind guy, right? One of my friend also told me that my friend and Jerry are communicating everyday.

Hearing that messages, well.. It made my day gloomy.

Considering on Jerry's feeling, well, i'm starting to like him since he said that words. Once i thought that he also have the same feeling to me. But realizing the truth, that actually he said it before (open-friendship thingy), it made me realize that it's just a one-way feeling. On the other side, i also don't want to have a fight over a boyfriend. For me, friendship is more valuable than fighting over a same man.

So i chose to leave...

Leaving him, leaving my expectation, leaving my dream..

And it's hurt you know., it really hurt.. To have an expectation, that till forever no more than an expectation..

Karma

So, since April, i moved to my hometown. My hometown actually not really far from Jakarta, besides there's a highway so it facilitate me to go there easily.

In the same month, there's a korean group concert held in Indonesia, and i've been their fans since 2009, so i decided to watch it. There's two problems. First, i don't have any place to sleep anymore. Second, i don't have any friends to accompany me watching them. For the first problem, in the end i rented a hotel for 2 nights. The 2nd problem is also solved because my best friend, Philip is also a fans of them, thank God.

Philip is one of my very best friend in Jakarta. I knew him in early 2015, my friend introduced me to him and his friends. So, Philip has 2 best buddy: Darren and Bill, later we became best buddy. Out of those 3 friends. I shared similar things with Philip. We loved hang out, buying clothes, seeing guys, love k-pop, etc. We also chat random things everyday. I treated him like a lil bro.

Back to the story,

the concert was held on Saturday, so i went to Jakarta on Friday. In the same day, Philip's dad had to be hospitalized, so i accompanied Philip handled the procedure from the clinic till enter the hospital. The first plan, we slept in hotel because i already booked for 2 days, but in the end Philip slept in hospital, while me slept at his place.

Middle April, on Saturday, we finally watch the concert! The concert was AWESOME! But, since it is not part of the story, let's cut it. After watch the concert, we went to hotel. The hotel we stayed for is quite far. About 5km. We decided to take a walk from concert arena. About 40-50 min we walked together till arrived. On the way there, we talked about random things, really random thing while wearing pinky clothes like a couple, lol.

After we arrived, we decided to take a shower then have a supper before ending a day. When we are sleeping. Idk what kind of ambience that we have. Maybe because of 2 days we spent together, all kind of feeling mixed into an unknown feeling. He moved closer while i moved closer to him. And suddenly his lip is becoming one with mine. We didn't do further, just a kiss, a lip-lip touch kiss. A usual kiss that make me ask hundred times, what kind of kiss that just happened? I'm afraid that i will have a feeling towards him.

Just about the very end of April. April 30th. I heard that Philip just got another boyfriend.

---

Well, i had few thoughts about that..

I know that that kiss just a mixed feeling because of what happened on those 2 days, so i became confused with that. The more important things is, i felt insecure about my friendship that my feeling towards him. After all i have a very best friends and i don't want to lose them.

So, because i don't have many activities here, it leads me to many questions. Is it one of the karma that i paid because of my last ex (Edward)? As i mentioned in other post, that i broke his heart, now it's my turn to be broken heart? lol. If it is one of the karma, i'm ready and i'm willing to pay it. My guilty towards him really burdened me.. 

What do you guys think about it?