Updates...
Well, seems like i only post something when something bad happened to me, like now. lol.
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Btw, about last post, i think my feeling towards Philip just a mix feeling because of our togetherness for the past 2 days. I discovered myself that i didn't have any feeling towards him. Maybe it's because of my loneliness, that assuming of every kiss mean something. For god's sake, it's just a lip-lip touch kiss, lol, fool me.
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So, i have a friend and recently we become close. Call him, Jerry. He is 6 years older than me. Actually i met him in early 2015, on a stranger's birthday that i attend, because my friend asked me for a companion. We didn't communicate much, because i just know him and he already had boyfriend.
Last April, i went to Thai and coincidently he also went there. There's a time that we hanged out together while enjoying a cake. It's our 2nd time chatting.
Short story, in March 2016, he just broke up with his Bf. After 2 years relationship and actually they relationship could end. It makes me wonder why, because i thought that this kind of people would try hard to fix the relationship the way it should be. But the more i try to understand, the more i thought that maybe this is the end.
Well, for me, a guy who's been 21 months relationship and got broke up, i know how much it hurt to be heartbroken. So i accompanied him chatting everyday, we talked about many things, from casual talk till hard topic, such as: church, living as a gay, gay's future in here, etc. I enjoy chatting with him, because i like talking about these things. Until one day, he ask about my future, whether i'm staying like this in gay's world, that consequently wasting my time, my family feeling, etc. I answered: "Is becoming gay a choice? i think we couldn't have a choice to be a straight or a gay. What we could choose is living as a gay, or living in a denial." Then he replied: "I just ask you from my deepest heart... because i am getting comfort with you."
Since then, we still communicate everyday, but i have a different feeling in replying his messages. i think i am starting to like this guy..
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I know it's wrong, to like a broken heart guy. Who's still couldn't move on. I asked him about what he is looking right now. He obviously talk that he is in open-friendship, enjoying his life, and he's still communicating with his ex. He doesn't have any idea for the future, but what he need right now is a friend, to accompany him eating, watching movies, or hanging out. But what could i do? A feeling is not like a game that could be stopped with a single button. So i dare my self to continue liking him.
And here's the consequence...
I just know that actually it's not only me, the one who is close with him. And it's normal for a single person, right? it's very normal. It's just me who can't accept this fact.
On Monday, he hanged out with one of my group friends. I'm assuming that maybe my friend is also like him, well, who doesn't like a kind guy, right? One of my friend also told me that my friend and Jerry are communicating everyday.
Hearing that messages, well.. It made my day gloomy.
Considering on Jerry's feeling, well, i'm starting to like him since he said that words. Once i thought that he also have the same feeling to me. But realizing the truth, that actually he said it before (open-friendship thingy), it made me realize that it's just a one-way feeling. On the other side, i also don't want to have a fight over a boyfriend. For me, friendship is more valuable than fighting over a same man.
So i chose to leave...
Leaving him, leaving my expectation, leaving my dream..
And it's hurt you know., it really hurt.. To have an expectation, that till forever no more than an expectation..
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