Time to Move On

It is hard for moving on. I did not think that someday i would have to let Stefan go. For every fights that we've been through, it is me, the one that wanted to break up. But every time i wanted to break up, Stefan always be the one who preserved our relationship. Never thought that he was the one who broke it.

For about two days after we broke up, i turned off my cellphone. I didn't want to see it, because every time i hold my phone, i wanted to contact Stefan. Hoping that what i did would help me to move on faster. But actually it couldn't. That day, didn't know anything about him also make me suffer. So, after two days, i brave my self to turn on phone. I saw a best friend of him gave me text, make sure i am okay. And in the end, i couldn't stand not knowing his condition, i asked how his condition either through social media, or ask his friend.

Suddenly, i remembered about one thing, he said that i have to show my efforts to be closed with him. So i decided to go to Jakarta, whatever it took. I thought, it is hard to get a job fast, i have to send my CV to some firms, let them filter it, then blah blah, the process might be taking a while. So, the faster way is going to university again, as a student. And fortunately, there's one university that still opening their enrolment, so i enrolled and i succeed to enter.

I knew that actually it was hopeless. Stefan said that he moved on. He did not have any feeling towards me anymore. That whatever i did wouldn't make him look even for a glance. But, yes, i wanted to show my effort, even i failed, at least i've tried :)

That was exactly one month since we broke up that i moved to Jakarta. At first, i felt really wrong to move in here. I left my family there, especially my mom, that told me how lonely she was, because she didn't have friend to talk with. Also, i am not the type that could have many friends easily (especially with the straight one), adapting my self in new place is also quite hard.

But, God never leaved His son. He didn't abandoned me alone in Jakarta. It was few days after i lived here that i knew someone named Hansel. Hansel is much more mature than me, well considering his age is not the phase for him to be 'like me' anymore (lol).

Hansel said that he understands me, he knew my problems clearly because he has been though it. Many times he tried to stop my sadness, from the soft way till the hard way, lol. I am sorry, big bro, for making you tired of my behaviour :P . Thanks to Hansel, that he made my day became less lonelier. He asked me to have lunch together, even for Friday night, asked me to watch movie together, with his partner - Kristof. Even he barely knew me, he cared of me. Few times i asked him to go here, there, and he wanted to fulfil it. Seems like he is my fairy godmother XD

***

Even though Hansel helped me to move on, all decisions are back to me. It is hard for me to accept the fact that we are not together. It's like, we've been together for 21 months, and after we broke up, all people, including myself have to let go. After what we've been through, How could i forget Stefan that fast? I couln't. Especially, now i am in Jakarta, one of the reason i go here is because of him, so it's like the only thing that make me survive is the hope, that maybe and only maybe, he would come back to me.

But, it's like the more i stand at that hope, the more i see that it's impossible for me and him to get back. I don't even know about my feeling to him. It's like, there a moment that i was very angry to Stefan. There's also a moment when i missed him so badly. And there's also a time when i missed and angry to him, lol. It's all mixed in one feeling.

Until one moment i realised, what do i miss about him? Do i really want to get back to him?

Actually maybe, the one that i really missed is our past time, the moment that we've spent together . The old him that i missed. How about now? I see that he is different now. Well, people changes, right? Do i really want to be back with the new him now?

***

Today should be Our 2nd Anniversary.

It's really ironic, because we couldn't celebrate our First Anniversary, because i was in overseas. And now, we are in the same city, but we couldn't celebrate it because of our status now, lol.

But i met Stefan, today.

Stefan asked me to meet up.

I didn't have any idea what we would talk today. But i agreed to meet him.

We've been talking about 2 hours,

Talking about our condition then and now, what we've done in a last 3 months. And in the end, he regret about our relationship. I mean, we've been so close and now even for meeting like this, we felt awkward first. So he wanted to be a friend again with me.

***

I see my life back then, and now.

Time make me became a different person. I don't know that i changed to be a better or the worse one, but i think , there's always a value for something that happened.

Thank's to our broken relationship, that now i knew a new friends, new brother. That in out there, there are so many great people that too waste if we don't know about them. I could learn new things, have new friends, other than Stefan's friends. And they love me :) (or maybe i feel too confident about this?lol)

***

Then, what do i really want?

I don't know, lol.

But what i know is i enjoy my time today, i have friends, so i don't feel lonely. i also have activities like going to campus, i can wake up not too early, i can have myself watching movies. About relationship, for now, i am not looking a new or old relationship, i do enjoying my freedom, hahaha. The important one is...

I know that i am happy :)

The Consequences

I thought i have succeeded for managing my long distance relationship. But, actually i didn't.

It's like what i've said in previous post, that when you are living far away from him, the world is also different. You have to adapt with condition there, make friends there, and sometimes that kind things would make you busy so that you 'abandoned' your life's friends, families in hometown. Especially for me. For every semester, we had a different friends, so we had to make new friends, again. And it made Stefan felt lonely. But he didn't tell me, on a contrary, he said, i should be the one that enjoy my time there, my last semester there. I thought that he was right. This was my only chance to enjoy it, the last semester, and after that, i would came back again to Indonesia and plan about our future

So one year has ended. I went back to Indonesia.

Honestly, when i came back, i did not have any idea what i would do next.

Of course, find a job, in Jakarta, lived together with Stefan would be the best decisions. But i also have to consider about my family. In 2013 me and am just moved out from my home town to another city, and my dad really count on me to help him designing the room. But it was pending because of my going to China. Second, my dad also wanted me to help him in his company. It's like.. My dad have been giving me tuition money since elementary school till now, should i be the one who give thank by working to him? It sounds fair right? When i told dad about my plan go get a job, my dad got quite angry. He said that he paid my school just for me giving my contribution to other firms? Well, i was speechless.

Stefan on the other side, he pushed me to have a decision. Ya, i know, seems like our future is so blurred, right? One of his friend, told him that he couldn't depend on me. Although i've back to Indonesia, but technically we still live in different city. At that time, i just had this plan. I would help my dad to finish home, then i would go to Jakarta, working there.

***

One day, Stefan told me, that he felt lonely when i was in China, i was so busy with my life there, so he felt he was like a doll, that i played with just when i felt lonely, and if i had friends, i would put him away. He also said that he loved someone when i was there.

Well, it's already happened right? I forgave him. I knew that it's not his fault completely. I strictly told him, you have to choose one of us. Well, who want their love share by other people, right? He said that he chose me.

But our relationship became worse. On August 11th 2014, he told me that he wanted a break time. It didn't mean that we broke up. But he thought that every relationship that we built, he was the one who did the efforts. And now it's the time for me to walk towards him.

As what i remember, yes. Most of the time, he was the one who spent more effort than me, so, yes, i agreed to him. He gave me 3months to fix it, until our second anniversary.

***

On August 15th, i went to Jakarta, because Sandy, one of Stefan's best friends had a birthday celebration on 16th -- the same date for our 21months anniversary . I planned to stay over at Stefan's place till 18th.

On 16th August, we still shopped for a couple shirt, different colour. Then we used it to Sandy's birthday dinner. I knew that Stefan's attitude was different towards me, he seems like didn't have any feeling anymore, he didn't hugged me if i didn't hug him first. He didn't want to kiss me, at all.

If you asked me what kind of feeling that i had towards him? Well, my feeling towards him didn't changed at all. Ya, because i knew that i had a commitment, that in the end of relationship, we would feel saturated. But that kind of feeling we would go thought, sooner or later.

On 17th August 2014, Stefan asked me how i felt towards him. I answered that i still have the same feeling like the first time we met. But he said sorry, he said that we couldn't be together again. These 3 days, he wanted to know about his feeling to me, and he knew, he lost his feeling to me, at all. He said that he couldn't wait for me until our second anniversary. It would be worthless, nothing would change.

Did it hurt? Hell, yeah.

But you can't have a relationship if there's just one person who puts effort, right? So, like it or not, we broke up, officially.

Long Distance Relationship

So, in the end, i went overseas for studying languages.

How was long distance relationship? At first, i didn't think that LDR was that hard. Come on, it's just for one year, and for holiday break before the 2nd Semester i would go back to Indonesia, would meet him again. But the truth, managing LDR is hard. Time is not flexible as before. There was time i didn't do anything but he was busy, on a contrary, there was time when i was busy and he didn't do anything.

Anyway, thanks to this technology era, there are so many applications for cam2cam that can be use lately, so with this technology, it would help us to decrease a little for missing each other.

I had asked some of my friends, the straight one, the one that made every LDR became hard is because we couldn't had a physical contact. Physical contact in here wasn't always about sex. Holding hands, hugging, having a joke directly. It has a different sensation when you talk directly and just via chat, right? Of course both of us miss the moment we hugged each other, how we teased one another directly, eating together, buying stuffs together, watching movies together, listening to music together.

We also experienced LDR consequences. You know, when you couldn't speak directly, there's many misunderstand. And because basically we felt lonely, for small problems became a big problems. It's not seldom how we fought over a small thing, that's not need to be a problem.

And, because the condition. My environment there was not the same as before. I had to make a new friends there. And i found it's quite hard, considering i am not the one that can be talkative or adapt in a new place that soon. So, i had to make a friend, whatever it took, or i would had no friends.

To became friends with Indonesian there was not quite easy, too. I had to adapt their life with mine. Some of them were not good in my bf's perspective. For example, going clubbing, shopping, afternoon tea. Well, there were not all Indonesian people did something like that, but you know. sometimes you got bored with people that was too good, that for me, doing daily things that could be done in Indonesia, made me felt bored. I felt like, hey, this is my only chance to live overseas, why i should do something regularly, let's do something more excited!

I am not a multitasking guy, sometimes i can't concentrate for dividing time to bf and my friends here and my bf in the same time. So, that made a new problem. I guess i always make a new problem, eh?

To make it fast..

One semester finally over, so i came back to Indonesia.

Too bad that we just meet once. That's for celebrating valentine day.

Guess what had i prepared for valentine? Lol, it was hard enough for me to give something unusual as a gift. People said, make something by yourself, that is more precious, because just one in a millions. So, i came to this idea. Valentine usually related by "so-sweet" things, so i tried to write quotations for 365 days (yes, i wrote it manually!). I wanted him to read it one per day, so he wouldn't forget how i love him, lol. I wrote that 365 quotations and i put on a plastic like tumbler. It could be an inspiration for reader to give something precious to their loved one. ;)

We had a fine dinner in a hotel near my home. It's because we didn't have any car there, so no choice, just eat near home, lol. And he stayed in my place. Feb 15th, his best friends with their BF came here to play in city where i lived and stayed for another one night in a villa that we rented.

For the second semester..

Well, actually there's not much different from what i did in first semester. Still, i had to find another friends, because in studying language like this, people came and go fast. Unfortunately, this semester's friends, they were all more party addict. They tend to go clubbing often. And, unfortunately i kinda like it. *sigh*

In the end. I could manage all those one year in China.

On Mid-July i went back to Indonesia, for good.

But, actually, the real problem was when i came to Indonesia.

Nb: Reader will find many wrong choices of words, or sentences that grammatically incorrect. I tried to finished this post, but i don't have any spirit to finish it. So this is the result, hope reader can understand what i posted here, hehe. Sorry..

Gay And Physical Appearance

It was three days ago when someone gave me message in gay app on my phone. I saw his profile, his picture are all no photos of him. I have three thoughts about people who don't post their photo. First, because he is discreet, which mean, he doesn't want any people know his face. Second, he is not confident enough with his face, and third reason is both, lol. Usually people did that for the second reason, but for me is the first one :P

So i saw his message, and actually his greeting is quite interesting. "Hi Mr Zombie, Halloween is already over, so can i chat with the real owner instead?" Then we went to a deep conversation, from talking about background education, place to work, about discreet things. And i quite enjoy it.

And two days ago, i felt like chatting in that app is not convenient. I want to add him to my line contact. But, i was afraid that the guy that i knew is not meeting my criteria. I mean, my motive is for friendship, but it can't be denied that gay also seek for physical appearance. It also happened to me that i really hope, he is not only have a smart brain, but also a good face, lol.

It might be not fair, because we can't choose our face, unless you want to get surgery, which is not cheap, right? You might be born as a poor guy, but you can be a hard worker person, earn money and be a rich man. But how about face? I guess, people who get plastic surgery would be gotten so much critics, too.

And related-to-that, i wrote this on my profile: a handsome face gets old, nice body will change, but a good man will always be a good man. On a contrary, i also seeing face for just only friendship? Oh my.

So asked i him to add my line id, i have a bad feeling about his appearance. For me, by knowing a name, we could guess what kind of face of the owner that name. Well, mine is an exception :P Well, you read all the names that i made in my blog, they are all so cool so that you guys could imagine all my cast are all handsome, lool. But his name is really standard. Or should i say that his name is below standard? oh my, how mean i am!

Then he added me. Well.. He is normal, has two eyes, one nose, one mouth. Just like everybody does. But, he is not my type. Should i say that he is ugly? Well.. What is the definition of ugliness, handsomeness?

So i tried to contact him, still had a conversation with him. But, well. My desire to talk with him is not as big as before. And it just survived for that one day. I have no desire to talk with him again :|

Well, i don't know is it all nature of gay that judge person based on appearance? It's like not fair, but i don't know what i should do. >.< well, i just hope that i won't get karma as what i did to him :( sorry.

Do you guys have any experience as mine?

Our Storied Back Then (Part 2)

At the end of january, i defeated the thesis defense, he wanted to see me, congratulated me directly, but i insisted because i thought it was no point going here just for congratulating me then go home. but of course he was the one i gave a call once i finished the thesis defense. 

New year was over, but another new year was coming to town, lol. Happy Chinese new year! We were going to buy new clothes together, but he was angry to me, because of  going there late. Ya, he was waiting me for about 3 hours, because i had my time with my straight friends together, celebrating my thesis defense. Ya, it was my fault, i still can't divide my time for my boyfriend and my friends, *sigh. (eh ya, btw i still remember how sour was his face XD).

They said February is the love month. Because there is valentine day. We spent our valentine by exchanging gifts with his best friends and their boyfriends. Stefan gave towel, as return, magically he also got the same gift, but different person who gave it, lol. What a coincidence. Then he stayed over again in my place, we went to eat fried rice at night and pork noodle in noon, soooo full of eating, lol. I wonder if he still remembered about him that felt shy of going out from my room because in outside so many friends of my housemate came to my place.

Because at that time i just waiting for my graduation, so i had to find job. We went to job fair together, i asked one of my best friend (straight) to go there because he was in the same city with me for doing internship. Again, that time i made him mad, because instead of asking his opinion, i asked my best friend opinion, lol

Well, talking about arguing, even for small things we did! I remember time when i made him house in  game The Sims. I asked Stefan to give me the sketch of the house, but in the end we had a small argue because it seems like i didn't appreciate what had he done.

April was my day! That's because its is my birthday month. We celebrated it by eating one of the famous ramen that open branch near my place. 2 weeks after my birthday, i made another celebration by eating together with his best friends. He gave me birthday cake and portrait of mine made of chocolate on it, lol. I still kept it because too cute to be eaten >.<

If the reader saw my post, mostly Stefan was the one who came to my place. It was. But, there also time when i came to his place. I arrived about 6 pm when i first time came to his city. We ate on a cafe, we ordered pizza, and another western meal but i forgot what exactly we ate other than that, lol. Suddenly it was raining, when we decided to go home (his home). Finding taxi was not as easy as in the capital. Stefan asked me to stay and waiting, while he was searching for taxi.

That was also the first time i came to Stefan's home,  After spending one night together, for tomorrow, Stefan wanted to buy stuffs to be sold again in his shop (his family's shop), we went together, taking public transportation, even riding bajaj, lol. At that time i didn't protest at all but actually i wanted to be protest, because of tired and felt hot, lol. but on the other side, i admired Stefan, because he raised in a tough family. So not like mine

Anyway, so many memories for me and him, right, hehe..

Then came the day of my graduation. he came to my graduation. I made a fake statement to my friends and my family about him, because i didn't have any idea how i met him unless i told them that i am gay and i met him in gay site, lol. We made another memory again, we took photo together. XD

In the same month as my graduation, was also our 6 months anniversary. I came to jakarta from my hometown, picking you up, then had lunch as usual. In the end, we went to an agency for organizing my leaving to China, for studying language. I asked Stefan to go with me. But he couldn't. He had responsibility here. I understood.

Living in hometown was not as efficient as before. There's time when i wanted to go to Stefan's city, but it was cancelled because of the big traffic.

Oh ya, he ever came to my hometown, once. But we just eating, eating, and eating. lol. In such a small town, there's no comfortable place for you to hangout. Lol. In the afternoon he went back again. Short time visit, but seems like we made new experience, another new memory.

The latest time we spent together before i went abroad was going to thousand island with our best friends group. He arranged it in a way so that can be the exact day for our 8 months anniversary. Stefan gave me couple ring. He wanted to bond our relationship, that i was completely him, he was completely mine. Stefan said, for our future after this would not be easy. Long term relationship.

Our very last meeting was the day i went to china. I told my parents that my community group in church came to say last goodbye, lol. Stefan with some of his best friend went to airport to give me last good bye. i still remember how we hugged each other, for the last time. Very last time.