Three Days Left

Hi, there..

It's been a while i didn't post anything here. Maybe it's because i kinda feel lazy to write something, or maybe because i don't have anything special to be written here. Lol, of course the second reason is a bullshit, everyday that passed all are special because even one day can change the situation, right?

Two days ago, when i was in my hometown, i heard bad news, that's my aunt suddenly died in her 39 age. It's because of stroke, she had a high pressure blood and maybe she couldn't maintain her own health (i didn't have a close relationship with her).

As i said that i don't have a close relationship with that aunt, but somehow i feel sad. After all, she was a mother of her sons and daughter, a sister of her siblings, a daughter of her parents, a wife of her husband. And now she is gone. So, my point is, maybe all that we do is just a boring routines, that we meet the same annoying person, have non-ending tasks, but maybe someday you'll miss them. So, just enjoy the moments, all things would change, sooner or later.

It's the same like this year, just three more days we have to move on from 2014 to 2015. So, make sure that you spend your last year with your beloved one :)

Lonely

I don't mean to pity myself. But when night comes, it feels like i feel alone. After i broke up with Stefan and decided to live in Jakarta, my life seems lonelier. You know, when i had a long distance relationship, i always looked at my phone either to chat with him, or just see if my boyfriend gave me a message, and now, when i look at my phone, seems like i am waiting for someone giving me text, silly me. More over,  for about a month i lived with my family, i have my mom to talk with, any topics (well, except my orientation of course), we even watched Korean drama together, and that made me feel less lonelier.

I have quite many gay friends, including Hansel, Stefan's best friends, etc. But you know, you can't count on them every single time. They have their own problems, their own activities. I remember how grateful my high school and my university life. I have quite many friends although most of them are women or straight men, but they were living with me back then. I mean, of course i couldn't share my gay things to them, but at least there were some people who accompanied me eating, chatting, about anything.

With the condition of me now, jobless, going to university only at night, no boyfriend, no dates, i think it's quite normal if i feel lonely, haha. At first, i enjoy my day, feels so free! I can meet someone new, meet them, but you know, people come and go fast, especially when you know them from online apps. I also feel something is missed. Well, maybe this is the part of me that try to adapt with present condition. I am going through my single status just for 4 months, still okay if i feel lonely, isn't it? My past is already over, and now it is the time for me to build a better me. Moving on is not only for letting your ex go, moreover, you have to move on from your previous life from your comfort zone, too.

Anyway, who feels alone here? Let's chat! #eh :D

January to November

It's been a while since i posted the previous post.

And now, it is DECEMBER!

Many people feel happy about December, because this month is related to Christmas, Holiday, Vacation, etc. Kids tend to be more happy because in Christmas they usually get gifts from their Santa, or family trip.

Well, unfortunately, i didn't grow up in that kind of family. My dad is christian, and my mom is buddhism. I am Christian, and i grew up in a church that doesn't celebrate Christmas. So when i was in High school, people felt excited about this month, but i couldn't be as excited as them. All i thought about is just holiday (i bet everyone loves holiday, right?lol)

***

When i wrote about this, i thought about my 11 months passed. How this year passed so fast. What did i do for 11 months? Did i enjoy this year so much that everything seems like just an illusion?

So i started to remember...

I spent my new year 2014 in Shanghai, with my friends there. Not different with in Indonesia, we saw fireworks, and in the morning seeing sunrise from The Bund (the iconic place in shanghai). The unique thing we did is, we flied a lantern, we wrote our wish for this 2014. I forgot what i wrote completely, but i remember i wrote things about getting a job and being a better person than before (it's standard, right? lol)

So, my class period was over, thank God that i could be the 2nd rank from total class in my level. That time i felt proud because my competitors are from all around world, lol too exaggerate. The first semester was over, i went back to Indonesia from China for about one month in Feb-March. I celebrated Valentine with Stefan, and had a trip for 2days 1 night with Stefan and his best friends + couples.

And since March-July, i didn't thing i did a memorable things. Just did study, have a party (i had a harder party than last semester), shop, hang out, eat a fine food, but most of my time i spent in dorm, because i already felt bored there.

Mid-July, i went back to Indonesia for good. i didn't get any rank position in second semester because the regulation in university, for those who go for good, their scores wouldn't be counted for getting ranked.

Mid August, I broke up with Stefan, last August i decided to enrol my self in a university in Jakarta for having master degree. Seems like my study period since kindergarten haven't finished yet, huh?

And i started my first semester in Mid September. In class, my personality couldn't match with my classmates. Well, straight people talked about girls, cars, and i have no interest on that, lol. I don't have a bunch of friends there, but i am thankful enough that i have few friends there, that is smart and i can count on with :D

Then, since October-now, there's not much that i can tell about. Nothing special, if i wrote it per month, but overall... My life in Jakarta not as bad as i thought. I met a friend, Hansel, who accompanied me though the days that i felt lonely, lol. Really thank to him. There's one day that we had a trip to Bandung for having holiday together, then he also fulfilled my wish to go clubbing for the first time in Jakarta, hahaha. But the most important thing, he accompanied me in my very hardest time, that moved on from my ex. He often asks me to go out with his partner, Kristof to watch movie, hang out, or even karaoke together. I also like to play to his place, for having a free-flow Baileys and Sheridan :P Really thanks to him, my god mother. :P

***

Now, i remember about my wishes that i wrote in lantern. About becoming the better of me. Seems like i've passed one process (or maybe still on process), that is for letting someone go. This process required me to have more patient, more thoughtful from having a decision, and in the end might transform me to be a more mature version of me.

For about getting a job, yes i am still unemployed, lol. But i don't feel ashamed. I can hang out, window shopping in noon, and have a class at night. There surely a time for me that one day i run my life like other people, work from 9 to 5. It's just not my time, yet. Just enjoy every process in my life! I don't have to get up early, so a life!

And today is the first day in December. i have 3 wishes:

- I hope i could end my last month in 2014 with joyful memories.

- Since January till now, i have lost 4kilos, but gained 2kilos. My second wish is i could lost again my 2kilos that i gained, lol.

- I enjoy my life now, i am not looking for a relationship, but i hope this month, i could meet my Mr. Right (just for meeting and knowing Mr. Right, won't counted as i want a relationship, right? :D)

I do have wishes for this last month. What are your wishes?

"You have one month to finish the book of 2014. Make the last chapter a perfect one."

Time to Move On

It is hard for moving on. I did not think that someday i would have to let Stefan go. For every fights that we've been through, it is me, the one that wanted to break up. But every time i wanted to break up, Stefan always be the one who preserved our relationship. Never thought that he was the one who broke it.

For about two days after we broke up, i turned off my cellphone. I didn't want to see it, because every time i hold my phone, i wanted to contact Stefan. Hoping that what i did would help me to move on faster. But actually it couldn't. That day, didn't know anything about him also make me suffer. So, after two days, i brave my self to turn on phone. I saw a best friend of him gave me text, make sure i am okay. And in the end, i couldn't stand not knowing his condition, i asked how his condition either through social media, or ask his friend.

Suddenly, i remembered about one thing, he said that i have to show my efforts to be closed with him. So i decided to go to Jakarta, whatever it took. I thought, it is hard to get a job fast, i have to send my CV to some firms, let them filter it, then blah blah, the process might be taking a while. So, the faster way is going to university again, as a student. And fortunately, there's one university that still opening their enrolment, so i enrolled and i succeed to enter.

I knew that actually it was hopeless. Stefan said that he moved on. He did not have any feeling towards me anymore. That whatever i did wouldn't make him look even for a glance. But, yes, i wanted to show my effort, even i failed, at least i've tried :)

That was exactly one month since we broke up that i moved to Jakarta. At first, i felt really wrong to move in here. I left my family there, especially my mom, that told me how lonely she was, because she didn't have friend to talk with. Also, i am not the type that could have many friends easily (especially with the straight one), adapting my self in new place is also quite hard.

But, God never leaved His son. He didn't abandoned me alone in Jakarta. It was few days after i lived here that i knew someone named Hansel. Hansel is much more mature than me, well considering his age is not the phase for him to be 'like me' anymore (lol).

Hansel said that he understands me, he knew my problems clearly because he has been though it. Many times he tried to stop my sadness, from the soft way till the hard way, lol. I am sorry, big bro, for making you tired of my behaviour :P . Thanks to Hansel, that he made my day became less lonelier. He asked me to have lunch together, even for Friday night, asked me to watch movie together, with his partner - Kristof. Even he barely knew me, he cared of me. Few times i asked him to go here, there, and he wanted to fulfil it. Seems like he is my fairy godmother XD

***

Even though Hansel helped me to move on, all decisions are back to me. It is hard for me to accept the fact that we are not together. It's like, we've been together for 21 months, and after we broke up, all people, including myself have to let go. After what we've been through, How could i forget Stefan that fast? I couln't. Especially, now i am in Jakarta, one of the reason i go here is because of him, so it's like the only thing that make me survive is the hope, that maybe and only maybe, he would come back to me.

But, it's like the more i stand at that hope, the more i see that it's impossible for me and him to get back. I don't even know about my feeling to him. It's like, there a moment that i was very angry to Stefan. There's also a moment when i missed him so badly. And there's also a time when i missed and angry to him, lol. It's all mixed in one feeling.

Until one moment i realised, what do i miss about him? Do i really want to get back to him?

Actually maybe, the one that i really missed is our past time, the moment that we've spent together . The old him that i missed. How about now? I see that he is different now. Well, people changes, right? Do i really want to be back with the new him now?

***

Today should be Our 2nd Anniversary.

It's really ironic, because we couldn't celebrate our First Anniversary, because i was in overseas. And now, we are in the same city, but we couldn't celebrate it because of our status now, lol.

But i met Stefan, today.

Stefan asked me to meet up.

I didn't have any idea what we would talk today. But i agreed to meet him.

We've been talking about 2 hours,

Talking about our condition then and now, what we've done in a last 3 months. And in the end, he regret about our relationship. I mean, we've been so close and now even for meeting like this, we felt awkward first. So he wanted to be a friend again with me.

***

I see my life back then, and now.

Time make me became a different person. I don't know that i changed to be a better or the worse one, but i think , there's always a value for something that happened.

Thank's to our broken relationship, that now i knew a new friends, new brother. That in out there, there are so many great people that too waste if we don't know about them. I could learn new things, have new friends, other than Stefan's friends. And they love me :) (or maybe i feel too confident about this?lol)

***

Then, what do i really want?

I don't know, lol.

But what i know is i enjoy my time today, i have friends, so i don't feel lonely. i also have activities like going to campus, i can wake up not too early, i can have myself watching movies. About relationship, for now, i am not looking a new or old relationship, i do enjoying my freedom, hahaha. The important one is...

I know that i am happy :)

The Consequences

I thought i have succeeded for managing my long distance relationship. But, actually i didn't.

It's like what i've said in previous post, that when you are living far away from him, the world is also different. You have to adapt with condition there, make friends there, and sometimes that kind things would make you busy so that you 'abandoned' your life's friends, families in hometown. Especially for me. For every semester, we had a different friends, so we had to make new friends, again. And it made Stefan felt lonely. But he didn't tell me, on a contrary, he said, i should be the one that enjoy my time there, my last semester there. I thought that he was right. This was my only chance to enjoy it, the last semester, and after that, i would came back again to Indonesia and plan about our future

So one year has ended. I went back to Indonesia.

Honestly, when i came back, i did not have any idea what i would do next.

Of course, find a job, in Jakarta, lived together with Stefan would be the best decisions. But i also have to consider about my family. In 2013 me and am just moved out from my home town to another city, and my dad really count on me to help him designing the room. But it was pending because of my going to China. Second, my dad also wanted me to help him in his company. It's like.. My dad have been giving me tuition money since elementary school till now, should i be the one who give thank by working to him? It sounds fair right? When i told dad about my plan go get a job, my dad got quite angry. He said that he paid my school just for me giving my contribution to other firms? Well, i was speechless.

Stefan on the other side, he pushed me to have a decision. Ya, i know, seems like our future is so blurred, right? One of his friend, told him that he couldn't depend on me. Although i've back to Indonesia, but technically we still live in different city. At that time, i just had this plan. I would help my dad to finish home, then i would go to Jakarta, working there.

***

One day, Stefan told me, that he felt lonely when i was in China, i was so busy with my life there, so he felt he was like a doll, that i played with just when i felt lonely, and if i had friends, i would put him away. He also said that he loved someone when i was there.

Well, it's already happened right? I forgave him. I knew that it's not his fault completely. I strictly told him, you have to choose one of us. Well, who want their love share by other people, right? He said that he chose me.

But our relationship became worse. On August 11th 2014, he told me that he wanted a break time. It didn't mean that we broke up. But he thought that every relationship that we built, he was the one who did the efforts. And now it's the time for me to walk towards him.

As what i remember, yes. Most of the time, he was the one who spent more effort than me, so, yes, i agreed to him. He gave me 3months to fix it, until our second anniversary.

***

On August 15th, i went to Jakarta, because Sandy, one of Stefan's best friends had a birthday celebration on 16th -- the same date for our 21months anniversary . I planned to stay over at Stefan's place till 18th.

On 16th August, we still shopped for a couple shirt, different colour. Then we used it to Sandy's birthday dinner. I knew that Stefan's attitude was different towards me, he seems like didn't have any feeling anymore, he didn't hugged me if i didn't hug him first. He didn't want to kiss me, at all.

If you asked me what kind of feeling that i had towards him? Well, my feeling towards him didn't changed at all. Ya, because i knew that i had a commitment, that in the end of relationship, we would feel saturated. But that kind of feeling we would go thought, sooner or later.

On 17th August 2014, Stefan asked me how i felt towards him. I answered that i still have the same feeling like the first time we met. But he said sorry, he said that we couldn't be together again. These 3 days, he wanted to know about his feeling to me, and he knew, he lost his feeling to me, at all. He said that he couldn't wait for me until our second anniversary. It would be worthless, nothing would change.

Did it hurt? Hell, yeah.

But you can't have a relationship if there's just one person who puts effort, right? So, like it or not, we broke up, officially.

Long Distance Relationship

So, in the end, i went overseas for studying languages.

How was long distance relationship? At first, i didn't think that LDR was that hard. Come on, it's just for one year, and for holiday break before the 2nd Semester i would go back to Indonesia, would meet him again. But the truth, managing LDR is hard. Time is not flexible as before. There was time i didn't do anything but he was busy, on a contrary, there was time when i was busy and he didn't do anything.

Anyway, thanks to this technology era, there are so many applications for cam2cam that can be use lately, so with this technology, it would help us to decrease a little for missing each other.

I had asked some of my friends, the straight one, the one that made every LDR became hard is because we couldn't had a physical contact. Physical contact in here wasn't always about sex. Holding hands, hugging, having a joke directly. It has a different sensation when you talk directly and just via chat, right? Of course both of us miss the moment we hugged each other, how we teased one another directly, eating together, buying stuffs together, watching movies together, listening to music together.

We also experienced LDR consequences. You know, when you couldn't speak directly, there's many misunderstand. And because basically we felt lonely, for small problems became a big problems. It's not seldom how we fought over a small thing, that's not need to be a problem.

And, because the condition. My environment there was not the same as before. I had to make a new friends there. And i found it's quite hard, considering i am not the one that can be talkative or adapt in a new place that soon. So, i had to make a friend, whatever it took, or i would had no friends.

To became friends with Indonesian there was not quite easy, too. I had to adapt their life with mine. Some of them were not good in my bf's perspective. For example, going clubbing, shopping, afternoon tea. Well, there were not all Indonesian people did something like that, but you know. sometimes you got bored with people that was too good, that for me, doing daily things that could be done in Indonesia, made me felt bored. I felt like, hey, this is my only chance to live overseas, why i should do something regularly, let's do something more excited!

I am not a multitasking guy, sometimes i can't concentrate for dividing time to bf and my friends here and my bf in the same time. So, that made a new problem. I guess i always make a new problem, eh?

To make it fast..

One semester finally over, so i came back to Indonesia.

Too bad that we just meet once. That's for celebrating valentine day.

Guess what had i prepared for valentine? Lol, it was hard enough for me to give something unusual as a gift. People said, make something by yourself, that is more precious, because just one in a millions. So, i came to this idea. Valentine usually related by "so-sweet" things, so i tried to write quotations for 365 days (yes, i wrote it manually!). I wanted him to read it one per day, so he wouldn't forget how i love him, lol. I wrote that 365 quotations and i put on a plastic like tumbler. It could be an inspiration for reader to give something precious to their loved one. ;)

We had a fine dinner in a hotel near my home. It's because we didn't have any car there, so no choice, just eat near home, lol. And he stayed in my place. Feb 15th, his best friends with their BF came here to play in city where i lived and stayed for another one night in a villa that we rented.

For the second semester..

Well, actually there's not much different from what i did in first semester. Still, i had to find another friends, because in studying language like this, people came and go fast. Unfortunately, this semester's friends, they were all more party addict. They tend to go clubbing often. And, unfortunately i kinda like it. *sigh*

In the end. I could manage all those one year in China.

On Mid-July i went back to Indonesia, for good.

But, actually, the real problem was when i came to Indonesia.

Nb: Reader will find many wrong choices of words, or sentences that grammatically incorrect. I tried to finished this post, but i don't have any spirit to finish it. So this is the result, hope reader can understand what i posted here, hehe. Sorry..

Gay And Physical Appearance

It was three days ago when someone gave me message in gay app on my phone. I saw his profile, his picture are all no photos of him. I have three thoughts about people who don't post their photo. First, because he is discreet, which mean, he doesn't want any people know his face. Second, he is not confident enough with his face, and third reason is both, lol. Usually people did that for the second reason, but for me is the first one :P

So i saw his message, and actually his greeting is quite interesting. "Hi Mr Zombie, Halloween is already over, so can i chat with the real owner instead?" Then we went to a deep conversation, from talking about background education, place to work, about discreet things. And i quite enjoy it.

And two days ago, i felt like chatting in that app is not convenient. I want to add him to my line contact. But, i was afraid that the guy that i knew is not meeting my criteria. I mean, my motive is for friendship, but it can't be denied that gay also seek for physical appearance. It also happened to me that i really hope, he is not only have a smart brain, but also a good face, lol.

It might be not fair, because we can't choose our face, unless you want to get surgery, which is not cheap, right? You might be born as a poor guy, but you can be a hard worker person, earn money and be a rich man. But how about face? I guess, people who get plastic surgery would be gotten so much critics, too.

And related-to-that, i wrote this on my profile: a handsome face gets old, nice body will change, but a good man will always be a good man. On a contrary, i also seeing face for just only friendship? Oh my.

So asked i him to add my line id, i have a bad feeling about his appearance. For me, by knowing a name, we could guess what kind of face of the owner that name. Well, mine is an exception :P Well, you read all the names that i made in my blog, they are all so cool so that you guys could imagine all my cast are all handsome, lool. But his name is really standard. Or should i say that his name is below standard? oh my, how mean i am!

Then he added me. Well.. He is normal, has two eyes, one nose, one mouth. Just like everybody does. But, he is not my type. Should i say that he is ugly? Well.. What is the definition of ugliness, handsomeness?

So i tried to contact him, still had a conversation with him. But, well. My desire to talk with him is not as big as before. And it just survived for that one day. I have no desire to talk with him again :|

Well, i don't know is it all nature of gay that judge person based on appearance? It's like not fair, but i don't know what i should do. >.< well, i just hope that i won't get karma as what i did to him :( sorry.

Do you guys have any experience as mine?

Our Storied Back Then (Part 2)

At the end of january, i defeated the thesis defense, he wanted to see me, congratulated me directly, but i insisted because i thought it was no point going here just for congratulating me then go home. but of course he was the one i gave a call once i finished the thesis defense. 

New year was over, but another new year was coming to town, lol. Happy Chinese new year! We were going to buy new clothes together, but he was angry to me, because of  going there late. Ya, he was waiting me for about 3 hours, because i had my time with my straight friends together, celebrating my thesis defense. Ya, it was my fault, i still can't divide my time for my boyfriend and my friends, *sigh. (eh ya, btw i still remember how sour was his face XD).

They said February is the love month. Because there is valentine day. We spent our valentine by exchanging gifts with his best friends and their boyfriends. Stefan gave towel, as return, magically he also got the same gift, but different person who gave it, lol. What a coincidence. Then he stayed over again in my place, we went to eat fried rice at night and pork noodle in noon, soooo full of eating, lol. I wonder if he still remembered about him that felt shy of going out from my room because in outside so many friends of my housemate came to my place.

Because at that time i just waiting for my graduation, so i had to find job. We went to job fair together, i asked one of my best friend (straight) to go there because he was in the same city with me for doing internship. Again, that time i made him mad, because instead of asking his opinion, i asked my best friend opinion, lol

Well, talking about arguing, even for small things we did! I remember time when i made him house in  game The Sims. I asked Stefan to give me the sketch of the house, but in the end we had a small argue because it seems like i didn't appreciate what had he done.

April was my day! That's because its is my birthday month. We celebrated it by eating one of the famous ramen that open branch near my place. 2 weeks after my birthday, i made another celebration by eating together with his best friends. He gave me birthday cake and portrait of mine made of chocolate on it, lol. I still kept it because too cute to be eaten >.<

If the reader saw my post, mostly Stefan was the one who came to my place. It was. But, there also time when i came to his place. I arrived about 6 pm when i first time came to his city. We ate on a cafe, we ordered pizza, and another western meal but i forgot what exactly we ate other than that, lol. Suddenly it was raining, when we decided to go home (his home). Finding taxi was not as easy as in the capital. Stefan asked me to stay and waiting, while he was searching for taxi.

That was also the first time i came to Stefan's home,  After spending one night together, for tomorrow, Stefan wanted to buy stuffs to be sold again in his shop (his family's shop), we went together, taking public transportation, even riding bajaj, lol. At that time i didn't protest at all but actually i wanted to be protest, because of tired and felt hot, lol. but on the other side, i admired Stefan, because he raised in a tough family. So not like mine

Anyway, so many memories for me and him, right, hehe..

Then came the day of my graduation. he came to my graduation. I made a fake statement to my friends and my family about him, because i didn't have any idea how i met him unless i told them that i am gay and i met him in gay site, lol. We made another memory again, we took photo together. XD

In the same month as my graduation, was also our 6 months anniversary. I came to jakarta from my hometown, picking you up, then had lunch as usual. In the end, we went to an agency for organizing my leaving to China, for studying language. I asked Stefan to go with me. But he couldn't. He had responsibility here. I understood.

Living in hometown was not as efficient as before. There's time when i wanted to go to Stefan's city, but it was cancelled because of the big traffic.

Oh ya, he ever came to my hometown, once. But we just eating, eating, and eating. lol. In such a small town, there's no comfortable place for you to hangout. Lol. In the afternoon he went back again. Short time visit, but seems like we made new experience, another new memory.

The latest time we spent together before i went abroad was going to thousand island with our best friends group. He arranged it in a way so that can be the exact day for our 8 months anniversary. Stefan gave me couple ring. He wanted to bond our relationship, that i was completely him, he was completely mine. Stefan said, for our future after this would not be easy. Long term relationship.

Our very last meeting was the day i went to china. I told my parents that my community group in church came to say last goodbye, lol. Stefan with some of his best friend went to airport to give me last good bye. i still remember how we hugged each other, for the last time. Very last time.

Our Stories Back Then (Part 1)

So, here is my stories with Stefan..

As i mentioned before in here, that i knew him from forum. Few days after i knew him, we agreed to meet each other. Our first time meeting was in my area. I still remember that you wear office suit, because you got job interview (really job interview, or just his excuse to his parents? lol.

The day when he asked me to be his date, he was bringing a white rose that i didn't aware how could he brought that without me knowing. He also changed my iTunes music into If i ain't got you - maroon5 (that time, this music was my favourite!).

At the same day, he introduced me to his very best friend Sandy, Kelvin, and Fredy. It was so meaningful. I mean, they are his 'family' here. And this mean he wanted me to know his family. Although at that time i didn't want to meet them because i feel shy, lol. Ya, i am not the confident type. I still remember that i met them plus Fredy's boyfriend wannabe, lol. We went to karaoke together, that was my first time karaoke using vocal from the original singer -.-" .

7 days after our day is his birthday!

He came to my place to celebrate it together. You took taxi all the way here, because of late going here. It cost you quite much, but he said it was okay (i knew it wasn't okay >.<). Right after he came, we celebrate it by eating sushi in mall near my place. The waiter also gave free sushi for his D-day. After eating, i took him to go to my place. I gave him present, purple office shirt. To support him, hope that he could got a job soon. We also took photo together, which was become our first time photo.

About taking photo together, i remember our first time taking photo together with his best friends was in cafe that we could play games there. Ugh, that time was so much fun! Oh ya, right after we became couple, one day after Stefan's birthday, Fredy also had boyfriend with Vino. 2 days after Fredy-Vino's day, Kelvin also had boyfriend with Marcel. So happy seeing his family growing up :)

December was coming!! Stefan gave me gift that he made on his own. He made a display by sticking few cute things mixed in one place and making the christmas decoration on it. it was so cute. I still remember at that time you said: "happy christmas, maybe this things would make your place more full and become one of your thrash, but i hope you like it" (believe me, something made by ourself is the best gift ever. No one has the same thing as you have). In addition, he also gave me doraemon doll with my face on it, lol. Still on the same day, we celebrate christmas with your best friend and their couples. We took photos behind christmas tree that became our very first photo in the public.

Christmas was over, so.... Happy new year 2013! New year means new semester in my study, That time i din't have things to do because i just waited for my thesis defense. I decided to go to my place from hometown a week before university's activity started, and i asked Stefan to live together there. That was our 7 days together's experience. What we did back then? There was one day we went to cafe with name one of Indonesia's famous ice cream in central jakarta, we got there by public transport, not driving, so once again, he gave me new experience, hehe. There was days we spend by hanging out in mall, having lunch, dinner, and also went to cinema. Usual couple things do. At night, we spend our time by hugging and seeing the view from my place (i lived in condominium before) the view was heading to residences so you could see so many lights that made the view became beautiful. (like a movie drama, right?lol)

(To be continued..)

Personal Branding Equity

Thank God, although the weather for today's after 6pm was not good, i still came to class so that gave me inspiration to write this blog :P

It is because i attended today's marketing class, we discussed about branding equity. 30 minutes before class over, lecturer gave us time to think about our personal branding equity. What is our equity that make us different with other people, that make us be chosen out of others.

Well, it was hard for me at first, because this kind of question usually asked if we do the job interview, which is every time i got call for job interview, it is always hard to describe about myself.

It might be not our fault to think hard about ourself, how good we give value about ourself, how well we know ourself, because i think it is because school that we attended since kid did not provide us lessons like this, so we have to know it more by digging that knowledge by ourself.

***

So, i think hard about myself, how i could be 'useful' for others, how i could be me, that is different that other people. Here are some of my 'overconfident' branding equity about myself: :D

The most valuable thing that i want people think about when they heard something about me is: a good listener. It is because i have this passion: i love to hear what people told about their stories, their problems. Sometimes, people tend to hear the problem for giving comments, replies, moreover, giving judgement. But for me, i tried to put myself in their position first, if i were them, what i would feel, what kind of action that i want to do, what are the risks of doing each of actions. Sometimes, listening them and knowing their condition are what people want to get from telling their stories, because they don't always want to get suggestions. 

Second, i want people know me as a punctual person. Well, i know that every little time that passed even for one second can't be taken back. So, i really appreciate time. When people want to meet me, it means that they want to give some of their time for me, and if they come on time, they appreciate my time that i've spare to them.

Actually it is kinda hard for me knowing about myself, so i asked some of friends about me. I consider it as my brand equity, lol. Some friends told me that i am friendly. Am i?? They told me that i am categorised as a sociable person, that i could easily enter some community and become part of community fast. I actually don't think the same as my friends' thought. But, i more considered my self as a friendship maintainer (lol, pardon my language). I tried to contact some of my friends (especially gay one, because you know, gay tends to come and leave soon as their found that the people they just knew didn't quietly matched their criteria- even the motive is friendship.) I message them, asking about their life. Maybe, some of them may think that i am 'kepo'. But, well, people could think whatever their want, at least i do it for valuing my brand equity, lol.

Maybe that's enough for me writing my brand equity-related-to this blog, because i think reader would lazy to read the long written post, right? Besides, if i write others like i am discipline, could work under pressure, diligent, blah blah that is irrelevant and no point for finding someone special here #eh #wrongmotive lol.

As human, there is time when i didn't accomplish all those things. Maybe because i didn't concentrate enough to hear the problems, or maybe because at that time i had my own problem, etc. But well, i think, that's a normal thing. And i will try to fix it, so if people think about those three bold words above,  without thinking they will directly point me. :P

I won't write my weaknesses in here because my weaknesses could effect my equity, lol, so maybe next time in other post. And yes, feel free to add another brand equity of me by dropping comments here. :D

The Second One

As time goes by..

I tried to move on. It was hard. I broke two boys' heart, before. But, it was because i thought i could make a relationship with them, but it didn't work. So i was struggling this situation alone, (well, technically i didn't have a shoulder to cry on. I just had two friends that i could share with, but just via chatting. You know, sharing via chatting, you can't share your stories as maximal as directly with your mouth, lol)

If you ask how my relationship with those two boys, actually i still tried to contact one of them, the second one, because that boy is 3 years younger than me, incase he needed a guidance for the older one, lol. But thank God that he didn't ask guidance from me - 'the one who can't be moved' XD

The other one? Well, i tried not to contact him, because i found out that actually this guy is quite playboy, so instead of taking care of him, i am the one who should be taken care of, lol.

So, i continue to search for friendship not just in forum, because i found out that in forum, the active people there is just so-so (i knew them, but i didn't think that we shared the same thought). So i tried in some gay website. It was quite hard for finding friends here, because majority were the one who looking the 'fun' activities. In addition, i think, this site is quite older than the one from forum. So, some people already leaved it. Well, i was trying and trying, i didn't remember i knew someone special from that site, until i knew Stefan.

Stefan is two years older than me. Not like Evan, he already had experienced by dating not-so-many-but-quite-many-gays. At first, i thought that Stefan also like the others, that can't move my heart from Evan. Well, at that time you could say that i was love-to-the-death to Evan, lol.

As what i remember, we met several days after we knew from site. He came along to my nearby place, just for talking. Well, it was different when you were talking with newbie and the experience one, lol. On that day, he told me that he wasn't looking for dating guy. Because he thought that in his age (he is 2 years older than me), he was more than enough for looking about dates, he wanted to look for the more serious relationship, like a partner. Well, he got me right after he told me that.

***

Time by time, the more i knew Stefan, the more i like him. He was also willing to go to my place from his place which is in city near south Jakarta (and i lived in city near West Jakarta.) He also took the public transportation from there to here. You could imagine how was the public transportation in Indonesia, right?

For about one month we knew each other, and i think we were suitable for each other. Until one day, Stefan told about his willingness to be my partner.

Honestly, i was touched. He was making another place in my heart. But, there was Evan that is still inside my heart. So i told him, Yes. But, right now, Evan's heart was still inside of me. So, just try to help me by letting him go.

So, on November 16th 2012, i was officially taken.

Night Party

Last saturday, me and my friends in Jakarta decided to hang out together to one of the most popular straight club in Capital City. Actually, we wanted to go last 2 weeks, but because last 2 week was a religion-holiday, so the club was closed.

For me personally, i really missed going to club, party like what i did in overseas back then, listening to loud music while dancing is really my favorite time. But, of course going there alone was an idiot thing to do. So, at first i asked two of my gay friends, Hansel and his BF to go together. And coincidentally, another my gay friends that i knew from my ex also ask me to go there. So i accepted them to go together. I really felt excited, lol. For about 2 weeks i've been waiting for this day came. Night came, then we went there.

It was a hard day for me to reach that night time. I had to get up at 6.30 AM and prepared myself to go to a seminar. Seminar was finished at 12 PM, then one of my gay friends that is my ex's best friend's bf asked me if he could spent one night here because he lives with his parents and couldn't go home at night-morning time. I said okay, so he gave me his backpack and i had to bring it to my place. At 3 PM i arrived at my place. The weather was so hot so that i couldn't stand not to take a shower.

After taking shower, i had a meeting with my best friend (female) for having some quality time together. He had to maintain our friendship right? hehe.. So i was with her until 7 PM, then we leaved each other, i found that Hansel with his BF was in the mall where i was back then. So i came to him, and waiting till the night came.

We are all total 6 gays, 1 woman, and 1 straight guy were meeting in front of the gate for discussing about opening bottles to share it together. At that time i just knew 4 gays and the woman and one of stranger named Cass is real chinese (1 of the 6 gays), and he just wore short pants, so he couldn't enter the club. One of my friend, Jerry offer Cass to go to my place to borrow my pants (because my place is near club, just about IDR 20.000 to go to my place using taxi). Well, thanks to his handsome and well body so i didn't mind borrowing my pants :P

So, Cass changed his pants (in front of me and Jerry :P) and we went back to the club and together we run the night! I really enjoyed my time there. Most of the music i knew and i tried to sing it loudly, lol. We ordered 1 bottle of champagne and 1 bottle of tequila. It was enough for making me happy, not too much, not too little, just about the proportion. And you know, the effect of alcohol seemed like making everyone happy as well! We were not only dancing, but also, it was like doing a wild things. You know, we went to a straight club, not gay club. But what we have done? We hugged each other, two-gether, three-gether, four-gether, well, it was still normal actually, i mean we didn't do something like gay-kiss, or whatever like in some adult movie. The abnormal thing is maybe the fact that we hugged men-men so tightly in straight club. And i don't know what would i do if i met straight friends there seeing me doing that kind of things. Well.. Thank God i didn't meet anyone, hahaha.

In Club, Hansel's BF met his friends, and one of his friends, Damon, joined us. When music became uninteresting to be danced, we (our group with Damon) decided to leave club, and went for restaurant to eat something because one of us felt hungry. To make it short, i arrived to my room about 5.30 in the morning, then helped Cass to find taxi and leaving Jerry slept because he seemed drunk. After Cass leaved, i went to my room and sleep. What a night! :D

It was so interesting so that I am looking for the next party :P
Besides, i should enjoy my single status right? Before someone forbidding me to go to club again, lol.

Heart That Was Broken

Maintaining a relationship is not easy like in some movies, novels, or as what you thought on your mind. Especially when it is your first time for having relationship. No experience, for both me and Evan.

In addition, because of our location, the fact that we were discreet, it was hard for us meeting frequently. You know.. U have no experience, and technically we did our relationship like what couple did in long distance relationship. So, after so-many-fought, misunderstanding, six months that we fought together had to be ended.

If you asked me if i prefer had a broken heart to toothache, well, i prefer broken heart, lol. Toothache is more painful i think. But yes.. Broken heart couldn't be healed for 1-2 days. At least i need my one and half years for making me sure that i had moved on.

It sounds like i am an exaggerate person right. But really i need that long time for moving on. Ya, actually it was my fault to let myself to live in his shadow. I let sadness control over my happiness, craving for him coming back to me. It was because i had thought, that gay relationship could be like normal relationship that you can find one person for living, growing old together. But actually it was not that easy and really sounds cheesy rite? lol. It's me that too much reading and watching teenager love stories :P

At that time, i can't accept the fact that we broke up. So i tried to be back with him. With all the possibilities, that it actually turned around. On the contrary, what all i did just made him mad at me. In the end, he blocked all ways for me to keep contact him, from facebook, twitter. He also didn't reply my message, my phone call. His purpose was good. He did in order to helping me moved on from him. But, you know... It also made me really hurt. Also, the fact that he had another boyfriend few months after we broke up made me really messed up.

The process of moving on made me hurt other people as well. Actually i didn't mean to hurt others, I thought that i had moved on. So i tried to open my heart for others. Also, that time there was few people that showed me that they liked me. But i didn't.

There's some quote said: It is better for you to be loved than loving someone. Because you can try to love that people slowly. But i don't think that it worked for man2man relationship. I tried to love (lol, love? maybe it's more like opening heart, accept someone else) someone. And it failed. I tried again (with different people) and failed again.

So, what i learned for a relationship. You might open your heart, trying to love someone. But if you know that you can't. Don't forced it, otherwise, you might hurt other people.

Grateful September

September has ended.

Before sleeping, i reminisced what i have done in last month.

Well, it turns out that in September, i moved out (again) from my beloved home to the capital of Indonesia. I have several reasons why i moved here.

The main reason is.. Because i took the wrong major for my undergraduate program. Well, people always ask about what major i took when i wanted to search about job. I already felt wrong and i know for sure that i don't want to work in the same fields as my undergrad degree's major. So, i wanted to take the master degree. If you asked me whether i took the wrong major or not, well... I don't know, but i think it is better and at least this major is more general than the previous one.

Second.. Actually i wanted to fix my relationship with my last ex. I knew that long distance relationship can't be done forever. I also knew that we cannot force someone to do their best for us. So, i am the one who wanted to give my best, my effort to fix our relationship. At least, although i cannot fix it, i know that i've tried.

Last but not least, it is because i use to live with friends around me. When i lived with my family there, for about 2 months more, i just once hangout with my high school friends. And we could hangout together, because one of my very best friend leaving country for about 3 years. Well, to make it short, it was because i felt lonely.

Thank God that i could enroll to this master degree without coming there to take kind of tests. So in the middle of September, me and family looked for rented room and found the one that is near my campus, so it's so efficient.

Few days after moved in, i felt uncomfortable. Before, although i felt lonely, but in my home still i had family that i could talk to. Living in here also not that easy. The weather is much hotter than in previous city. In addition, i had to decide what i am going to eat, and to eat it alone. Seems like here is worse, right T.T

Still Thank God, i always know that He wouldn't abandoned His son. For about few days later, i knew some friends here, and one of my friend here really welcomed me. His name is Hansel. And now, seems like me and him are knowing each other for a very long time, like a big bro to me.

1st Love Memories

After that meeting incident, we became closer. There was time when Evan came to my rented apartment (i lived in city near Jakarta). Basically, because both of us have similarities (we both love one of the K-Pop girl group, and K-Variety Show), most of our time spent by watching those kind of K-thing.

There was also a time when we just spent our day in my room with chatting, giving and replying joke, until suddenly he stole a kiss from me. Really a quick kiss (not even 1 second maybe, lol). But that not-even-one-second-kiss really made.....  (i don't know how to describe it). It seems like there was a sensation, i don't know what kind of feeling or sensation, it seems like a small electricity spread over my vein. That was my first kiss. Still i could feel it and i really can't find that kind of sensation by kissing other men, lol.

We officially became a couple on September 20th 2010. I basically made it as planned ,so if you see it numerically, my anniversary date is 20092010, cute right? :P

Unfortunately, there were not many stories of us that can be told in here. It is because we seldom meet each other because of the distances. And also because of our status, discreet. Also, we seldom watching movie in Cinema. He said, with our limited time, it is so useless if we spent it just for a movie. Really most of our time spent whether in mall or just staying in my place. Other than that? Our time was just spent by chatting, texting, skype-ing. The standard of what long-distance-relationship done, lol. pathetic, right?

But, hey! There were also our quality time. The one that i can't forget until now.

He once said, pity me that everyday i had to go outside for eating. So he came to my apartment, bringing food made by his mom, and there was tofu inside of it! (I am really tofu lover!!) We were feeding each other, while doing a small talk. I was really happy!!!

There were also time when we were not afraid of evening. Evening always became nightmare for me, because it was a time that can separate us. Well, he had to go to come home in Jakarta. But for few times, he decided to stay at my apartment. We could talking all night long, or just keep silent staring each other face. Sometimes we also spent our night time with seeing stars from my window apartment, while hugging, kissing, and maybe more...

Stranger Become Someone

When two people became friend, and  feel comfortable for each other, they tend to know each other better and deeper. That was the time when love appeared me.

I knew Evan from forum, too. At that time, some friends just came and went away. There were some people who had objective searching for boyfriend, more than friend. There also some people that didn't quite 'click' when we did talking. For me personally, i didn't think of searching boyfriend, because i still enjoy being single, finding friends, exploring this world. So exciting XD~

He was the one who stepped on me first. He told me that he liked me. He also gave me his photo. When he said that he was attracted by me, i hadn't gave him my photo. Since then, i believe that love is not about physical appearance. It is about personality.

For about one week, me and Evan did an intense chat, knowing each other personality until we decided to meet in person. One day before we met, he gave me his picture. He said that he didn't want to hide himself. In addition, he gave me his photo to make me prepared so if i didn't like him could simply cancelled the meeting. A stupid thought.

I met him when i was bringing my 'real life' friends in Jakarta, because my friends wanted to buy something in Jakarta that couldn't be found near campus. So i did make some excused to leave my friends for meeting Evan (i said to my friend that i want to go to toilet, and accidentally meet my college friends there, lol.) Evan gave me short message told me that he was in the top of the floor, near ski-ring and i was standing in the ground floor seeing the top floor. I saw someone there holding phone wearing black jacket. I asked him if that person was him. Gotcha! He said it's not fair because he couldn't see me, but i could see him. So he went downstairs.

My first reaction when he was coming to me was: PANIC. Well, it's not exaggerate, but panic attack really happened to me. I went to bookstore in this floor, looking good place to hide. I looked around and saw circle shelves for the importing books in the middle bookstore. So i went there. When i was there and about to look outside, my eyes meet his eyes, and our distance is not even 1 meter. I startled. My eyes really showed the shocking expression to him. Actually i startled not because he was ugly. He is handsome :P. But i still hadn't prepared for meeting him in person. You can say that i was not confident.

Seeing him unexpectedly like this really made me couldn't control myself. Instead of greeting him, i run (yes i run). I run but slowly because we were in the bookstore, and he tried to chased me. Reader could imagine we were doing something like what we usually saw in bollywood film, except the truth that we were doing it in mall :|

In the end he reached my shoulder, and i surrender, didn't run anymore. I really forgot what we talked (maybe we talked about nothing, lol). But i was really happy. We just talked about 15 minutes and he said he wanted to leave because we fell awkward. I let him leave.

After he leaved. I fell regret, because i wanted to talk with him, wanted to know him more, seeing him smile and laugh with me. So i made some excused again to my friends and gave Evan short message. Thank God, he hadn't leaved mall, yet. He said that he was in MCD, eating ice cream. I came to him.

For about 2-3 hours we were talking until my friends called me said that they all already finished buying stuffs. So i guessed, it's time to go home. I told Evan that i should come to my friends. He understood and he leaved too. In the end, both of us leaving mall. I knew that there would be another meetings. New stories of our life had just started!

Knowing Other People Like Us

It is human instinct that we tend to feel not enough right? We always want more after gaining what we've wanted before. That also happened to me. So, i decided searching for another gay friends. 

With the facilities of forum, i made a new thread, titled: "Searching Friends, Chinese Ethnic would be preferred (No Offense)." My thread were popular. Some gays gave me messages, whether it is private or just simply replied the thread, i also contacted them. Some of them go and leave, some of them gave me memories that i couldn't forget about.

One thing about me, i wrote myself as a discreet guy. I don't want others knew about me. I did this to prevent myself being known from my 'real world' (well, basically i don't want to be popular in 'this world'), so i said that i didn't want to give them my face. I also didn't ask others photo, because i knew if couldn't give them mine, why shouldn't they gave. I still do believe that friendship is not seeing outside, otherwise giving what we have gotten based on our own experiences and shared it.

I knew Handy as my second gay friend. He is 6 years older than me, lived in Borneo Island. I just contacted him for about 1-2 months (i forgot exactly, but it was February-March 2010). Handy is a smart guy, he was graduated from medical school, he is Christian, he loves God and want to learn about bible deeply. When i knew him, he still couldn't accept himself as gay. In addition, because of learning deeply about what it said on bible. (By the way, what i post about this just about his thought, i just copied based on what i remembered) It is said on the bible that: Whoever wants to be His disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Him. He believed that gay thing is one of His Challenge for him to be denied. And in order to leave this thing, he had to leave this world, including his gay friend (I am not lifting this topic for debating, just for sharing how i lost one of my friends)

On Jun, i knew another gay named Robby. He is 2 years older than me, lived in Capital West Java. Well, personally i kinda have a crush on him (but not for a long time), because he is smart (for me, smart people are always have their own charm ;)) and he is keeping faith in his religion. Unfortunately, i found it was hard for me to contact him because he was more discreet than me. He didn't share his phone number, so the only way i could contact him was through email and chatting. Because that time was holiday time for students and he took a missionary to go to a small village (yes, he is Christian and he was willing to do something extreme -for me it was extreme, like this). You know, when two people can't get through communication well, that kind of likeness would be fade, right? I got to know him again about two years ago (?) via facebook and lost him again (lol). Well, is it just me, the one who wanted to keep contact with old friend? But seems like they didn't look for me as i look for them.

In the end, i did trading photo with those two guys. After knowing their personality, i guess there are no reason to hide our 'bare face' right?

The other next two month, it was early August when i knew someone and also met someone for the first time, which is eventually become my first love, my first date...

First Time Exploring

It was on the 1st January 2010 when i was starting to join a community (gay forum), and be acquainted with gay. It was because i felt saturated,  no friends in common to share this kind of problems. That time i was 19, so it was like the perfect moment to look for my real identity, who i am and what i want to do with this life.

Hendra (not his real name - by the way, every time i post names, i won't post his/her real name) is my first gay that i knew from forum. He is 7 years older than me. What was the reason why i greeted him? Classic answer, because he is handsome, lol. Until now, i still have his contact, i also gave him message to ask about his condition periodically, because i don't want to lose friends. Mostly people come and go, especially when you don't have any chemistry. But i do believe that friendship is more than just about chemistry, right?

Unfortunately, i never met Hendra till now. His hometown is in East Java while mine is in west. The time i knew him, he has been living in Australia. Well, distance can't separate people to know each other, right?

When i thought about that time, i am really thankful to God, that my first gay friend is not the 'bad' one. He wanted to answer all my questions patiently. Somehow, his appearance + his brain made me had a crush on him :P . Can you imagine how you have to be patient answering curiosities of a first-time-exploring-gay-world-kid? (lol)

Hendra is one of my biggest inspiration. Some of gay leave / blame God of what he/she become. But Hendra is not that kind of guy. He doesn't leave God in this situation, on the other hands, he takes some services in church, joined church community, etc. You maybe thinking that this kind of behavior is like a hypocrite thing. But i tell you this: It is very possible for you to live as the way you are while you are live as a christian. It is not a choices for us to be gay, like we can't choose our gender, parents, ethnic, etc. But you can choose how you live your way as what our religion taught us (loving people, afraid of God, etc). Hendra is one of the proven subject (lol). Seems like my post became out of topic =.=

About his relationship, first time i knew him, he was with a chinese (real chinese) living together for about 2 years (if i am not wrong). Unfortunately they had to broke up because his partner decided to marry woman. And last time i contact him which is few months ago, he already had a bf, an auckland, and i hope this time he could settle down forever with his bf :)

Well, this post i dedicated for him. Because of him, i could be what i am. Not becoming the bad one, because i believe, every first (first friend, first major, first job) would determine of what you'd become later. 

How Life Changed Me (Part 2)

Related-with previous post.

Actually i know the reason why i've changed.

The core of the changes is simply because of life. As life i went through as a teenager, i did have a crush on someone, i fell in love, i had a date, and of course i fell a broken heart as well.

But, because i am a melancholy and a perfectionist guy. I believed that even gay could have a probability that could just only date one person (the right one, the first love) for living together, happily ever after. And i wanted to be like that so badly. But you know, dating someone means it's not only you who work on relationship. Sometimes a relationship shaky, even break up. That's actually a normal thing. In the end, we broke up, i had a broken heart. I found myself quite depressed that time.

I need one and a half year to move on from my first ex. It is really a long period of time, right (sigh). And i think i lost the old of me, on the process of moving on.

What i got as a lesson from relationship is: Don't love someone too much, because that too much thing could hurt you so much. Well, so many quotes about love, when you read it, actually some of them are contradict from one and another. Just believe what you like, but you have to be open minded to read and understand the other contradict quotes. Maybe for now you can't believe the contradict one, but when you had a broken heart or other hurt things, you will start believe at one and maybe leaving other quotes that you believed before. Regardless of everything, it's all quotes are made by human

Well, thank God that i know the bad things of my personality and i am trying to fix it. I don't want to fix the bad things because of anyone, but because i know that this is bad influences, and i should leave it.

How Life Changed Me (Part 1)

Last night, i opened my old blog, seeing the posts that i still keep it in draft. Reading my old posts make me realize that i have changed. I do really become a different person.

From small things: i don't know whether this is part of me that already become mature, or other aspects change me, but seeing old times, actually i found myself as a 'funny' guy. So many words there that i purposely made wrong and i gave a scribble like this for entertaining the readers. Well, i told you guys this not because i used to be alay, but i was a cheerful-pure kiddo back then (lol).

In socialization, i used to be happy seeing new friends, dare to greet them, ask his/her name first, etc (i was a very friendly guy :P). Even for saying sorry and thank you for me were so easily said. It was like a habit for saying thank you and sorry without any burden.

Well, if you compared it with the 'now' me:

I prefer spend my time alone for hours to hangout with people. When i meet new people, i tend to be silent 'till the other greeted me first. i feel insecure when i was in a new place or with new people around me. I know that it is not good for me but i still do it (sigh).

For the thankyou-sorry thing. I think i've changed too. Two days ago, i took a free shuttle bus. When i arrived at the destination, other people said thank you to the driver. I even forgot that i should thank the driver for giving a free ride. The worse thing is, after they said thank you, i just keep silent taking off the bus.

Oh my, why i could become this kind of person.

-

But, hey, don't be afraid of me (lol)

I am a nice person. (well, basically people are nice until some trigger made him become a bad one, right?) I still can be a best friend for my best friends. I heard their stories and tried to understand them, tried to put my position if i were them (but i am lack at giving suggestions). It's not because i am afraid to lose them, but because i care about them.

On social media, if you are chatting with me, you know that sometimes i greeted you guys first, right? Moreover, i often become the talkative one. Sometimes i gave a silly jokes, simply for the conversation more colorful. But well, Not everything would be the same if you meet me in person. It would be more awkward because in chatting, i could think first about what i want to write, and of course both you and i can't see one another directly. You guys would understand, wouldn't you?

Hello World

I still can't believe that I am becoming a blogger (again). It is simply just because i knew people, and he has a blog. Reading his blog make me miss how i write again. (thanks to him)

So here I am..

Well, this is my second blog. My first blog that i've been written is already abandoned because of some reasons. Besides, that blog i created in 2010 (when i was 19), and reading it again made me feel creepy about myself (lol)

As a book has an author, so is this blog. Below are some information about me:

My nick is Ndr, i live as an Aries (actually i don't really believe zodiac, but still i wrote it, lol), i was born in Indonesia as  Chinese, on 1991 with an O blood type, I am Christian, and yes, i am gay.

In my 'real life', my straight friends don't know the fact that i am gay. So, technically i am still inside of closet, discreet, whatever the names are. So if you know me in real life, i prefer to be called Ndr on this blog.

The purpose why i start to make a blog, is because i want to share some of my thoughts while i am doing autobiography of my life that maybe can't be exposed in my real life, forever.

That's all for now, thanks for entering my blog, dropping some comments would be much appreciated, but if you don't like my blog, just simply close it, thanks :)

Ps: My english grammar, structure maybe are not exactly correct, but i guess as long as the readers could understand, it should be no problem, right? It's not because i want go international (lol), i just want to improve my english skill.