Relationship Stage

First of all, as usual , i want to say sorry for the very late update. sometimes i don't have any idea what to post. so instead of feeling confused, i wanted to share a mindful topic here, about stages in relationship. why i share this topic? because i found that this topic is quite interesting. because there's no bond that made g relationship strong here.

1st. Introduction stage

this stage would be a start in a relationship. It's not only us, but in a straight relationship, it's very common for having introduction. what make it different's just the media. some of us might use the application for knowing someone, or maybe go straight for greeting someone next to us frontally? well, for the common way is being known by our friend's friend.

this stage will be a most viral stage for both of the person to continue themselves to the next stage. they usually measure the new guy physically.  is it cute? handsome? manly? because it cannot be denied that at first, us, g people value guys physically, that he is interesting enough in our eyes or not.

not finished yet, people will also check the chemistry. is it connect with us when we open a topic, or is he have a good sense of humor? because no matter how handsome or cute the people in front of you, the feeling will be drop if we can't connect to each other.

2nd Intimate stage

In this step, two people usually arrange for next meetings, because of their interest of each other. They will also talk about personal things: hobby, fave food, job, etc.

Unfortunately, in this step, many couple take a next step too soon. So many people do intimate thingy like: kissing, or might be sex. Some of the cause is maybe they are too get carried away by their emotion. Or maybe they want to test the opposite person's performance? lol

this stage could run average from one week till 2 months max, and the average is around 2 weeks till one month. From what i seen, younger people tend to take a decision faster.

3rd Relationship Stage

If two person had done the 2 stage before and they feel comfort with each other, they will be commit one another to be each other's boyfriend. In this stage, their real attitude will slowly come out. Maybe he is not that calm, not that smart, or not that good at bed? lol

Anyway, many gay things thought that this is the last stage of every g relationship. But it is not. I have my own view, that this step is one closer step to the very next stage, the super serious stage:

4th Partnered

Personally i think that the relationship stage should be brought to this stage if they already feel comfortable and sure with their couple. In this stage, they will think seriously about their future together. They might considerate to live together, open a business together, or maybe adopt pet together.

In every relationship, there will a saturation point, where the relationship feel flat, not like in the first-third stage. Because all of the routine will be done together, not for 1-2 months, but years. There's many case that they look for another person and cheat with a simple stupid reason: they want to feel the first time they love a person again. But well, in every relationship, even with a handsome or super cute person, there will be a time that we reach this point.

In a relationship, there's always be a problem. It depends on how we get over it.

I Choose You to be Happy

So i tried not to contact him.
I turned of my cellphone for one and a half day. And for those days,  really i feel alone. I wanted to text him, i wanted to communicate with him as much as i do, but i know, that the more i carry on, the more i will get hurt. Besides, like what i've said before: I don't want to fight over a guy with my friend.

Well, i cried.
Sometimes i think that it's not fair, why i should be the one who has to give the relationship up. But i know, it's for friendship sake.

---

After one and half day, i slowly turned on the cellphone. He was looking for me. And it made me feel guilty. Once again, i cried.. Since then, i promise that i won't leave him again. More over, his affection made me feel melted, again..

and we became close again...

---

Actually i feel that we've became closer than before.
One week ago, we went overseas together, with two of my friends. There, i feel like we are a couple. My brain told me to stop, because if i carry this feeling on, i know that someday i will be hurt again. but my heart wants to be like that. So i let my heart win. F*ck for the future, as long as i could be happy for now..

Well, that's a one week full of memories. I loved it.

---

But now i realized..
That maybe i am the one who is naive, being to selfish, that didn't put myself in his shoe..

I just realized, that maybe he really feel burden communicating with me..
As i could imagine, if i were him. I have to replied all of the messages from someone who's you don't have any feeling with. You did it just to make that person (me) happy, so in the future i won't be sad again..

Deep down inside, i didn't want to make you feel burdened. Please, enjoy your life. I want you to be happy..

so sorry... :'(

"if you truly love someone, then the only one you want for them is to be happy... even if it's not with you."

Karma

So, since April, i moved to my hometown. My hometown actually not really far from Jakarta, besides there's a highway so it facilitate me to go there easily.

In the same month, there's a korean group concert held in Indonesia, and i've been their fans since 2009, so i decided to watch it. There's two problems. First, i don't have any place to sleep anymore. Second, i don't have any friends to accompany me watching them. For the first problem, in the end i rented a hotel for 2 nights. The 2nd problem is also solved because my best friend, Philip is also a fans of them, thank God.

Philip is one of my very best friend in Jakarta. I knew him in early 2015, my friend introduced me to him and his friends. So, Philip has 2 best buddy: Darren and Bill, later we became best buddy. Out of those 3 friends. I shared similar things with Philip. We loved hang out, buying clothes, seeing guys, love k-pop, etc. We also chat random things everyday. I treated him like a lil bro.

Back to the story,

the concert was held on Saturday, so i went to Jakarta on Friday. In the same day, Philip's dad had to be hospitalized, so i accompanied Philip handled the procedure from the clinic till enter the hospital. The first plan, we slept in hotel because i already booked for 2 days, but in the end Philip slept in hospital, while me slept at his place.

Middle April, on Saturday, we finally watch the concert! The concert was AWESOME! But, since it is not part of the story, let's cut it. After watch the concert, we went to hotel. The hotel we stayed for is quite far. About 5km. We decided to take a walk from concert arena. About 40-50 min we walked together till arrived. On the way there, we talked about random things, really random thing while wearing pinky clothes like a couple, lol.

After we arrived, we decided to take a shower then have a supper before ending a day. When we are sleeping. Idk what kind of ambience that we have. Maybe because of 2 days we spent together, all kind of feeling mixed into an unknown feeling. He moved closer while i moved closer to him. And suddenly his lip is becoming one with mine. We didn't do further, just a kiss, a lip-lip touch kiss. A usual kiss that make me ask hundred times, what kind of kiss that just happened? I'm afraid that i will have a feeling towards him.

Just about the very end of April. April 30th. I heard that Philip just got another boyfriend.

---

Well, i had few thoughts about that..

I know that that kiss just a mixed feeling because of what happened on those 2 days, so i became confused with that. The more important things is, i felt insecure about my friendship that my feeling towards him. After all i have a very best friends and i don't want to lose them.

So, because i don't have many activities here, it leads me to many questions. Is it one of the karma that i paid because of my last ex (Edward)? As i mentioned in other post, that i broke his heart, now it's my turn to be broken heart? lol. If it is one of the karma, i'm ready and i'm willing to pay it. My guilty towards him really burdened me.. 

What do you guys think about it?

You Only Live Once

I’m on my way to Jakarta when suddenly this thought came to my mind. So i decided to write it first before i forget it, lol Actually, some people may think this thought, even myself. I think have thought about this in the past.

I realize that life is really short, seems like just a blink, that i graduated from high school, from my bachelor degree, and had a struggle about what what would i do next. And suddenly, next week, i will face my final defense for my Master Degree. In addition, this year i will blow my 25th birthday, it is my one fourth century’s age. Time flies.

What i wanted to write is, with the very fast time goes by and the truth that we only life once, so, make sure that we didn’t do something that we regret, like “Oh, if i could turn back the time..” or, “It’s too late”. Even me, i’d still figuring what will i do next so that my way won’t be another regret in my life.

Maybe some people have a different purpose of life. Some people feel proud if they have fortune, good body, or enjoy eating. It depends on their priorities, and it’s okay if you have a different priorities. But, the important thing is do something, do about what you like, instead of doing lazy thing or sleeping. Catch what your BIG dream! So in the end when we grow old, we see our past time and says, “my life is worth it” :)

One thing for sure! After reading this, you might think about what dream that you will accomplish, and start busy work it out. But do not ever forget that we have to take care about our parents. For what will happens, all things could not be accomplished without our parents’ guidance. Sometimes we are too busy taking care our problem that we forget that before that, our parents are our hero, that helped us growing up. It's now our turn to help them while they are growing old :)

That’s all what i wanted to mumble, lol. Please pray the best for my thesis defense next week!

Happy New Year 2016!

Happy new year 2016 guys!

I believe new year means new time for making a new change in our life. People always make a mistakes and this new year thing is one of the chance of us to make a difference, fixing and correcting our past mistakes to be a better person. Although, personally i think we don't have to wait for new year to fix mistakes, even we can fix our mistake starts from now. But, yeah, new year seems like the best start of something, because basically the time seems to be reset, lol.

I also believe that new year means we could see ourselves in the past one year. What we have done in that year, is it another wasted year? lol. So, lets see what i have written last year as my 2015 resolution thingy..

So, i wrote my self to be a better person.

Have i became a better person?

Well, it's quite a hard to answer it. In some point i might be a better person. I think i am a better listener than before. Some of my friends relies on me, talks about their problems. I also make priorities for my tasks, i tend to prior my school assignments than the more fun thing, like hang out. In some point i might be the worse person i've become.

I think i became lazier than before. That's why i gained 2 kilos =.=. I felt myself comfortable by doing nothing in my rented room, lol. But, far beyond that, i broke a man's heart. That made me a worst person.

I also wrote a higher GPA for my one year semester.

But, actually i lost GPA, lol. *sigh*
Quote said: "having a high GPA does not mean that you are smart", i guess i believed that, LOL *my alibi* 

In this post, i don't want to write any resolution. I read somewhere that just around 8-12% of people could succeed doing their resolution. Yeah, 365 days is really a quite persistent thing to be done. So, instead of writing resolution, i might dream about what i will done this year.

Yes, this year i dreamed myself that i finished my master degree. This January i will submit my paper, then the thesis defense will be held on February. After that i will get a job. Either in my dad's company, or in other company, but i think i will help my dad's company. It might be easier to get that job, and most of my friends encourage me to be there. They said that you will learn more in your parents' company.

I also want to have more friends. The one with less drama, cafe-free, although i don't have any idea where i could get those friends. About love? Well, let's see, if i could not make things out with the last one, i might reconsider of having a bf soon. I want to spend and enjoy my loneliness time.

Speaking of b/g-friend thing, Few days ago, my mom asked me about a woman photo on her cellphone. She said that that woman is to be matched with me. WTF?! I saw the picture, and my mom said, "see, she has a big eyes." I replied, "I can tell that the pic is photoshopped. so obvious." LOL. Yes, i say it the truth, the way photo to be edited is too rough<?>.  And beside that, i don't have any interest with her, lol.

I also dreamed myself that i don't want to spend my christmas/new year in my hometown. I've been spent two years christmas and new year in here, with family, and it really feel bored. Not because i don't want to spend my time with them, it just, passing christmas and new year with them seems like another ordinary day passed. It's too unfortunate.

For myself, i want to lost another kilos. LOL. My target is 62kg (now around 65-66kg, sigh). Be a mature man, that listen more, understand more, speak less, eat less (lol). And i have to learn something new, something that is out of the box, out of my comfort zone. I also want to maintain this blog, more update are coming this year! Amen.

Let's make this year fantastic!

Life's Goal

Have you ever feel there is something missing in your life, even when you have everything, friends, money, of even life-partner? And because something that is missing, is so bothering you so that even you have all things there, you still cannot enjoy your life?

Well, that something missing is probably is what you want to achieve in your life, yet, you haven't achieved it. Or, maybe, you thought that you already fulfil your goal, but when you achieved it, you still feel empty. 

Actually i don't have any idea why i wrote this. A friend of mine, last Sunday told me, "See about yourself, you have no problem with your money, your dad can afford whatever you want. About your face, well, you are not ugly. Friends? You have me, you have your other friends, you should be happy than other people. It's just you haven't got boyfriend doesn't mean this kind thing make you can't enjoy you life."

Ya, my friend is right. How could this one aspect - haven't got boyfriend thing - can make you blind, can't be thankful about what i have in my life. Many people maybe still trying to achieve what i have , but i don't feel thankful about it. human tends to look for another excuse. So, this is my excuse, this post's title. What if, maybe my life's goal is to find soulmate? So cheesy, right? lol. Even in game The Sims - simulation game of life-, you have to choose goal for your sims. About career, fortune, popularity, soulmate, etc.

Maybe romance movie, drama series affect me so much, so that i think i feel lonely, i feel desperate if i don't have boyfriend. Honestly, still i don't know what i want to get in my life. My road is still long way to go. I haven't got a job, i haven't graduated yet from my studies. But, now, what i realized is i don't want any regret. Many people sacrificed what they've got just to fulfil their dream, and once they achieve it, they lost the other things that they've got.

So, maybe, today's message is, be grateful for what you have. Dreams? chase it, but don't forget about what you've got. Don't sacrifice what you've got just for chasing your dream, unless it is worth it and you won't feel regret about what you will sacrifice.

Resolution

It's been 12 days since 2015. Usually people have their new spirit, future, what to do for this new year, including me. Sometimes we have to make a plan, so we have an objective to be reached, nevertheless, we don't have any spirit to live a day (maybe too exaggerate, but well..)

So, do you guys have any resolution, or new kind of things to do in 2015? You better have. So, here's mine:

- Before new year, i bought a diary for one year. I think it's good for me to write every single day that i passed. Sometimes i can't see any different from day to day, but maybe if i see it from the first day till the last day in 2015, so i will know what have i done in this one year, what event that make me happy, and this year will make me gonna be what kind of person..?

- Resolution, resolution. Every new year never feels complete if i haven't make a resolution. lol. I didn't write a these kind resolution: i want to be a better person, more mature person - because something like that is too common, beside, who don't want to be a better person, everyone wants it. I wrote about my study, that i hope i can achieve high GPA. Then, hope that i can find the new one..?lol. AMEN.

Well, i don't really have anything to write on, since the last post.

So, c u guys later?

-happy belated new year 2015-

Three Days Left

Hi, there..

It's been a while i didn't post anything here. Maybe it's because i kinda feel lazy to write something, or maybe because i don't have anything special to be written here. Lol, of course the second reason is a bullshit, everyday that passed all are special because even one day can change the situation, right?

Two days ago, when i was in my hometown, i heard bad news, that's my aunt suddenly died in her 39 age. It's because of stroke, she had a high pressure blood and maybe she couldn't maintain her own health (i didn't have a close relationship with her).

As i said that i don't have a close relationship with that aunt, but somehow i feel sad. After all, she was a mother of her sons and daughter, a sister of her siblings, a daughter of her parents, a wife of her husband. And now she is gone. So, my point is, maybe all that we do is just a boring routines, that we meet the same annoying person, have non-ending tasks, but maybe someday you'll miss them. So, just enjoy the moments, all things would change, sooner or later.

It's the same like this year, just three more days we have to move on from 2014 to 2015. So, make sure that you spend your last year with your beloved one :)

Lonely

I don't mean to pity myself. But when night comes, it feels like i feel alone. After i broke up with Stefan and decided to live in Jakarta, my life seems lonelier. You know, when i had a long distance relationship, i always looked at my phone either to chat with him, or just see if my boyfriend gave me a message, and now, when i look at my phone, seems like i am waiting for someone giving me text, silly me. More over,  for about a month i lived with my family, i have my mom to talk with, any topics (well, except my orientation of course), we even watched Korean drama together, and that made me feel less lonelier.

I have quite many gay friends, including Hansel, Stefan's best friends, etc. But you know, you can't count on them every single time. They have their own problems, their own activities. I remember how grateful my high school and my university life. I have quite many friends although most of them are women or straight men, but they were living with me back then. I mean, of course i couldn't share my gay things to them, but at least there were some people who accompanied me eating, chatting, about anything.

With the condition of me now, jobless, going to university only at night, no boyfriend, no dates, i think it's quite normal if i feel lonely, haha. At first, i enjoy my day, feels so free! I can meet someone new, meet them, but you know, people come and go fast, especially when you know them from online apps. I also feel something is missed. Well, maybe this is the part of me that try to adapt with present condition. I am going through my single status just for 4 months, still okay if i feel lonely, isn't it? My past is already over, and now it is the time for me to build a better me. Moving on is not only for letting your ex go, moreover, you have to move on from your previous life from your comfort zone, too.

Anyway, who feels alone here? Let's chat! #eh :D

Gay And Physical Appearance

It was three days ago when someone gave me message in gay app on my phone. I saw his profile, his picture are all no photos of him. I have three thoughts about people who don't post their photo. First, because he is discreet, which mean, he doesn't want any people know his face. Second, he is not confident enough with his face, and third reason is both, lol. Usually people did that for the second reason, but for me is the first one :P

So i saw his message, and actually his greeting is quite interesting. "Hi Mr Zombie, Halloween is already over, so can i chat with the real owner instead?" Then we went to a deep conversation, from talking about background education, place to work, about discreet things. And i quite enjoy it.

And two days ago, i felt like chatting in that app is not convenient. I want to add him to my line contact. But, i was afraid that the guy that i knew is not meeting my criteria. I mean, my motive is for friendship, but it can't be denied that gay also seek for physical appearance. It also happened to me that i really hope, he is not only have a smart brain, but also a good face, lol.

It might be not fair, because we can't choose our face, unless you want to get surgery, which is not cheap, right? You might be born as a poor guy, but you can be a hard worker person, earn money and be a rich man. But how about face? I guess, people who get plastic surgery would be gotten so much critics, too.

And related-to-that, i wrote this on my profile: a handsome face gets old, nice body will change, but a good man will always be a good man. On a contrary, i also seeing face for just only friendship? Oh my.

So asked i him to add my line id, i have a bad feeling about his appearance. For me, by knowing a name, we could guess what kind of face of the owner that name. Well, mine is an exception :P Well, you read all the names that i made in my blog, they are all so cool so that you guys could imagine all my cast are all handsome, lool. But his name is really standard. Or should i say that his name is below standard? oh my, how mean i am!

Then he added me. Well.. He is normal, has two eyes, one nose, one mouth. Just like everybody does. But, he is not my type. Should i say that he is ugly? Well.. What is the definition of ugliness, handsomeness?

So i tried to contact him, still had a conversation with him. But, well. My desire to talk with him is not as big as before. And it just survived for that one day. I have no desire to talk with him again :|

Well, i don't know is it all nature of gay that judge person based on appearance? It's like not fair, but i don't know what i should do. >.< well, i just hope that i won't get karma as what i did to him :( sorry.

Do you guys have any experience as mine?