I Choose You to be Happy

So i tried not to contact him.
I turned of my cellphone for one and a half day. And for those days,  really i feel alone. I wanted to text him, i wanted to communicate with him as much as i do, but i know, that the more i carry on, the more i will get hurt. Besides, like what i've said before: I don't want to fight over a guy with my friend.

Well, i cried.
Sometimes i think that it's not fair, why i should be the one who has to give the relationship up. But i know, it's for friendship sake.

---

After one and half day, i slowly turned on the cellphone. He was looking for me. And it made me feel guilty. Once again, i cried.. Since then, i promise that i won't leave him again. More over, his affection made me feel melted, again..

and we became close again...

---

Actually i feel that we've became closer than before.
One week ago, we went overseas together, with two of my friends. There, i feel like we are a couple. My brain told me to stop, because if i carry this feeling on, i know that someday i will be hurt again. but my heart wants to be like that. So i let my heart win. F*ck for the future, as long as i could be happy for now..

Well, that's a one week full of memories. I loved it.

---

But now i realized..
That maybe i am the one who is naive, being to selfish, that didn't put myself in his shoe..

I just realized, that maybe he really feel burden communicating with me..
As i could imagine, if i were him. I have to replied all of the messages from someone who's you don't have any feeling with. You did it just to make that person (me) happy, so in the future i won't be sad again..

Deep down inside, i didn't want to make you feel burdened. Please, enjoy your life. I want you to be happy..

so sorry... :'(

"if you truly love someone, then the only one you want for them is to be happy... even if it's not with you."

Jerry - Expectation That Become No More Than Just An Expectation

Updates...

Well, seems like i only post something when something bad happened to me, like now. lol.

---

Btw, about last post, i think my feeling towards Philip just a mix feeling because of our togetherness for the past 2 days. I discovered myself that i didn't have any feeling towards him. Maybe it's because of my loneliness, that assuming of every kiss mean something. For god's sake, it's just a lip-lip touch kiss, lol, fool me.

---

So, i have a friend and recently we become close. Call him, Jerry. He is 6 years older than me. Actually i met him in early 2015, on a stranger's birthday that i attend, because my friend asked me for a companion. We didn't communicate much, because i just know him and he already had boyfriend.

Last April, i went to Thai and coincidently he also went there. There's a time that we hanged out together while enjoying a cake. It's our 2nd time chatting. 

Short story, in March 2016, he just broke up with his Bf. After 2 years relationship and actually they relationship could end. It makes me wonder why, because i thought that this kind of people would try hard to fix the relationship the way it should be. But the more i try to understand, the more i thought that maybe this is the end.

Well, for me, a guy who's been 21 months relationship and got broke up, i know how much it hurt to be heartbroken. So i accompanied him chatting everyday, we talked about many things, from casual talk till hard topic, such as: church, living as a gay, gay's future in here, etc. I enjoy chatting with him, because i like talking about these things. Until one day, he ask about my future, whether i'm staying like this in gay's world, that consequently wasting my time, my family feeling, etc. I answered: "Is becoming gay a choice? i think we couldn't have a choice to be a straight or a gay. What we could choose is living as a gay, or living in a denial." Then he replied: "I just ask you from my deepest heart... because i am getting comfort with you."

Since then, we still communicate everyday, but i have a different feeling in replying his messages. i think i am starting to like this guy..

---

I know it's wrong, to like a broken heart guy. Who's still couldn't move on. I asked him about what he is looking right now. He obviously talk that he is in open-friendship, enjoying his life, and he's still communicating with his ex. He doesn't have any idea for the future, but what he need right now is a friend, to accompany him eating, watching movies, or hanging out. But what could i do? A feeling is not like a game that could be stopped with a single button. So i dare my self to continue liking him.

And here's the consequence...

I just know that actually it's not only me, the one who is close with him. And it's normal for a single person, right? it's very normal. It's just me who can't accept this fact.

On Monday, he hanged out with one of my group friends. I'm assuming that maybe my friend is also like him, well, who doesn't like a kind guy, right? One of my friend also told me that my friend and Jerry are communicating everyday.

Hearing that messages, well.. It made my day gloomy.

Considering on Jerry's feeling, well, i'm starting to like him since he said that words. Once i thought that he also have the same feeling to me. But realizing the truth, that actually he said it before (open-friendship thingy), it made me realize that it's just a one-way feeling. On the other side, i also don't want to have a fight over a boyfriend. For me, friendship is more valuable than fighting over a same man.

So i chose to leave...

Leaving him, leaving my expectation, leaving my dream..

And it's hurt you know., it really hurt.. To have an expectation, that till forever no more than an expectation..

Karma

So, since April, i moved to my hometown. My hometown actually not really far from Jakarta, besides there's a highway so it facilitate me to go there easily.

In the same month, there's a korean group concert held in Indonesia, and i've been their fans since 2009, so i decided to watch it. There's two problems. First, i don't have any place to sleep anymore. Second, i don't have any friends to accompany me watching them. For the first problem, in the end i rented a hotel for 2 nights. The 2nd problem is also solved because my best friend, Philip is also a fans of them, thank God.

Philip is one of my very best friend in Jakarta. I knew him in early 2015, my friend introduced me to him and his friends. So, Philip has 2 best buddy: Darren and Bill, later we became best buddy. Out of those 3 friends. I shared similar things with Philip. We loved hang out, buying clothes, seeing guys, love k-pop, etc. We also chat random things everyday. I treated him like a lil bro.

Back to the story,

the concert was held on Saturday, so i went to Jakarta on Friday. In the same day, Philip's dad had to be hospitalized, so i accompanied Philip handled the procedure from the clinic till enter the hospital. The first plan, we slept in hotel because i already booked for 2 days, but in the end Philip slept in hospital, while me slept at his place.

Middle April, on Saturday, we finally watch the concert! The concert was AWESOME! But, since it is not part of the story, let's cut it. After watch the concert, we went to hotel. The hotel we stayed for is quite far. About 5km. We decided to take a walk from concert arena. About 40-50 min we walked together till arrived. On the way there, we talked about random things, really random thing while wearing pinky clothes like a couple, lol.

After we arrived, we decided to take a shower then have a supper before ending a day. When we are sleeping. Idk what kind of ambience that we have. Maybe because of 2 days we spent together, all kind of feeling mixed into an unknown feeling. He moved closer while i moved closer to him. And suddenly his lip is becoming one with mine. We didn't do further, just a kiss, a lip-lip touch kiss. A usual kiss that make me ask hundred times, what kind of kiss that just happened? I'm afraid that i will have a feeling towards him.

Just about the very end of April. April 30th. I heard that Philip just got another boyfriend.

---

Well, i had few thoughts about that..

I know that that kiss just a mixed feeling because of what happened on those 2 days, so i became confused with that. The more important things is, i felt insecure about my friendship that my feeling towards him. After all i have a very best friends and i don't want to lose them.

So, because i don't have many activities here, it leads me to many questions. Is it one of the karma that i paid because of my last ex (Edward)? As i mentioned in other post, that i broke his heart, now it's my turn to be broken heart? lol. If it is one of the karma, i'm ready and i'm willing to pay it. My guilty towards him really burdened me.. 

What do you guys think about it?

April Updates

Hi guys, how are you?

Life is really fast, we've entered the first day in April, four months since new year. How's the progress of our resolution? Great eh? Hope so :)

So last month, or actually few days ago, on Monday, March 28th i've passed my redefense for my master degree. Well, i felt happy , sad and also felt nervous. Felt happy because all of my struggles finally had came to an end. Because actually i kinda feel saturated with my college life. At first when i entered the uni, i thought that the friends will be more serious and looked genius, but it turned out that most of them are silly, and i felt like i entered the class for bachelor degree again. So, i kinda did not like the life there, lol.

I also felt sad because since i lived in Jakarta, i met many friends. I met Kristoff & Hansell the couple, also met my friends now. Somehow i know that this is what God wanted from my broken relationship with Stefan. Actually i feel happy that we broke up, lol. Well.. The sadness came because from April, i moved out from Jakarta, back to home. I have to leave my life there, my hangout routine every Saturday. I missed them :(

On the other side, i felt nervous. What kind of life will treat me next? I promised my father to help him in his company, in Tangerang. I chose that place because it's nearer from Jakarta than in here (Bandung), in addition, i also could fulfilled what my father wants. It's a win-win solution, eh?

So how about your life?
4 months are not a short time. Some of you might have boyfriend. might broke up. might find another job. Might have a new struggles. But remember one thing. Like what i wrote in this opening blog: Everything in life is temporary.

So, stand up and kick (some) ass! :D

When Life Didn't Run Smoothly As What You Expected

Hi readers..

I realized that i seldom update this blog, lol. One of the reason, it's because of my limitation of english (i think all of my talents became regress day by day =.=") So, there's a possibility that i will change my language to bahasa :D

A lot of things happened in this 2 months. And some of them ran not as what i expected. I failed my thesis defense, so i have to do redefense. And because of the failure, my plan were falling apart. The impact was quite big, that made me felt depress for a while.

I thought that in march i will start working, doing new things and by thinking of it, i already feel excited! I kinda bored in this university life things. It turns out that this university, this friends was much different than before, back then when i was in bachelor degree.

Thank God that in my depressed time, i have friends that accompanied me, although somehow i felt embarrassed because they came after i failed, brought gift, and i could not give the best for them :(

Yes, one more time thank God that in my depressed time, i could think clearly, that maybe, God has a better, bigger plan for me. He allowed this failure happened to me for a good reason. Not that i understand what kind of plan that He gave to me, but i just believe it will be the best.

So i have to do redefense, i have gather all the information and all the requirements for it. I also have submitted it again, and i have a good gut that this time i will pass it as a champion! lol. Wish me luck!

---

For my relationship with Edward.
I have made up my mind. I could not do this relationship with him.
It's clear for me that i did not have any feeling towards him. The more i cling to him, the more we will hurt each other, furthermore, he is very kind and i could not bare to hurt him more, he deserves someone better than me.

Well, who's next? lol..

2015: Friends, Love

It is really been a while since my latest post. Almost a year, lol.

So, lets see, how things going in the past one year.

I lost two of my grandparents.
My grandma from dad side, on April
My grandpa from mom side, on October
It reminds me about life, that everything is temporary. So enjoy it while you are with them, as we grew up, they grew older. Time flies.

Anyway, lets move on.

I could make friends with some g-friends around my ages. Actually i am the oldest among them, but yeah, for the first time, i feel happy that finally i have a friends to hang out, i mean, friends like really friends. Actually, i have Hansel and his bf as my friends. More than that, Hansel means like my own brother to me. But, still i felt there's something missing. I assumed my previous teenager stage made me feel that i need more friends to fill my life, considering all of my g-friends that i got are my ex-bf friends.

So, my best two friends are Joe (1year younger) and Danny (4 years younger). The funny thing is, they have a love-hate relationship as a friend, lol. It's quite complicated, tho. I don't know if i am too old for seeing their relationship or less-experienced, but i think they have too many dramas. For example, one day they could be a best friend, and one other day they could hate each other. But, i think the most important thing is i am none like them. (if one day you two read this, i'm sorry :P but it's true!)

---

Let's skip them anyway, i tend to focus on my story than their story, lol.

So, i got closed with someone called Edward. We have 8 years difference and he is the older one. I met him at the g-club on February. I saw him as a kind and serious personality (what else that he would seek in a relationship for a man 8 years older than me, right?). So i think it's good for me know more about him, to fall in love with him.

We managed our relationship, till on April, he asked me to be his bf on my birthday.

I said yes.

About my feeling towards him..

I think, i was thinking too much. I made a border to myself, about my standard to be my bf. I wanted him as a boyfriend capable to do some things, like driving, the way the act, etc. On the other side, i did not even tell him about what i wanted him to be, because i wanted to love him just the way he is. That limitation made me confused about my feeling to him. In addition, you guys might not have any idea how busy he is. Sometimes he just give me message for informing about what he is doing and didn't bother the message that i've sent to him, or he might answer the latest question for me, then he is gone, working again.

There's also a condition where we met, but somehow he was really busy. His physical body was with me, but his brain was with his clients. I don't know about other relationship, but i kinda feel sick of understanding things, i mean, yes, i have to understand about his condition, he is really serious on taking care of his future, he is the one who pays for his own living. But, i kinda tired of understanding the situation. I also have things to be taken care. My feelings towards him.

And how about his feeling?

He loved me just the way i am.

He never complains to me. Even on his very down moment that i could not be there, he tried to understand me. There's also a moment when i really busy with my phone because of 'virtual hang out' with my friends, and he just patiently waiting for me. What he always told to himselves is: "whatever the condition, i know that in the end my bf will be here with me."

---

Somehow my confused feeling made me say to Edward that i had no feeling towards him. That really broke his heart. 

At first, he did not want to break up with me, but one week later, he consider our relationship had ended. And now, i really feel regret of saying that.

It's all the problems was on me. I am the one who couldn't accept him as the way he is, and if he could do it, why i couldn't?

So, on Dec 23rd, i met him again. I said that how sorry i was, to act so ridiculous, and i wanted a second chance to fix the relationship.

He said that, after all this time, we've been 8 months together, and he really love me. He also told me how much he've been hurt. He knows that he was busy. But all his life is about work and me. If he didn't do anything for work, then his time is being given to me. And now, whenever he came home and saw his bed empty (i was the one who often sleep at his place back then), about my habit to fight over the blanket with him, the noodle hunting things, making he felt really hurt. So, he didn't want to let me hurt him again. He could not risk it. Besides, 8 months are really something. He was really afraid. And i understand.

By the time i write this blog. I still can picture moments before we broke up. When he told me his story, what he did today, about he really tried not to see his phone, his smile, his presence of love.

God, i really have a big sin of hurting someone super kind like him. I was totally a jerk, even i could not stand to see about what i have done to him.

---

And now, yes, i am still having a chat with him.

He seems to be a different person. I don't have any idea if he is busier that usual, but he tend to reply me slower than before, sometimes he even gone and reply the day after, in the afternoon. He said that he was too tired of his job. I understand.

How could i get a second chance to fix myself and the relationship if the condition is like this?

January to November

It's been a while since i posted the previous post.

And now, it is DECEMBER!

Many people feel happy about December, because this month is related to Christmas, Holiday, Vacation, etc. Kids tend to be more happy because in Christmas they usually get gifts from their Santa, or family trip.

Well, unfortunately, i didn't grow up in that kind of family. My dad is christian, and my mom is buddhism. I am Christian, and i grew up in a church that doesn't celebrate Christmas. So when i was in High school, people felt excited about this month, but i couldn't be as excited as them. All i thought about is just holiday (i bet everyone loves holiday, right?lol)

***

When i wrote about this, i thought about my 11 months passed. How this year passed so fast. What did i do for 11 months? Did i enjoy this year so much that everything seems like just an illusion?

So i started to remember...

I spent my new year 2014 in Shanghai, with my friends there. Not different with in Indonesia, we saw fireworks, and in the morning seeing sunrise from The Bund (the iconic place in shanghai). The unique thing we did is, we flied a lantern, we wrote our wish for this 2014. I forgot what i wrote completely, but i remember i wrote things about getting a job and being a better person than before (it's standard, right? lol)

So, my class period was over, thank God that i could be the 2nd rank from total class in my level. That time i felt proud because my competitors are from all around world, lol too exaggerate. The first semester was over, i went back to Indonesia from China for about one month in Feb-March. I celebrated Valentine with Stefan, and had a trip for 2days 1 night with Stefan and his best friends + couples.

And since March-July, i didn't thing i did a memorable things. Just did study, have a party (i had a harder party than last semester), shop, hang out, eat a fine food, but most of my time i spent in dorm, because i already felt bored there.

Mid-July, i went back to Indonesia for good. i didn't get any rank position in second semester because the regulation in university, for those who go for good, their scores wouldn't be counted for getting ranked.

Mid August, I broke up with Stefan, last August i decided to enrol my self in a university in Jakarta for having master degree. Seems like my study period since kindergarten haven't finished yet, huh?

And i started my first semester in Mid September. In class, my personality couldn't match with my classmates. Well, straight people talked about girls, cars, and i have no interest on that, lol. I don't have a bunch of friends there, but i am thankful enough that i have few friends there, that is smart and i can count on with :D

Then, since October-now, there's not much that i can tell about. Nothing special, if i wrote it per month, but overall... My life in Jakarta not as bad as i thought. I met a friend, Hansel, who accompanied me though the days that i felt lonely, lol. Really thank to him. There's one day that we had a trip to Bandung for having holiday together, then he also fulfilled my wish to go clubbing for the first time in Jakarta, hahaha. But the most important thing, he accompanied me in my very hardest time, that moved on from my ex. He often asks me to go out with his partner, Kristof to watch movie, hang out, or even karaoke together. I also like to play to his place, for having a free-flow Baileys and Sheridan :P Really thanks to him, my god mother. :P

***

Now, i remember about my wishes that i wrote in lantern. About becoming the better of me. Seems like i've passed one process (or maybe still on process), that is for letting someone go. This process required me to have more patient, more thoughtful from having a decision, and in the end might transform me to be a more mature version of me.

For about getting a job, yes i am still unemployed, lol. But i don't feel ashamed. I can hang out, window shopping in noon, and have a class at night. There surely a time for me that one day i run my life like other people, work from 9 to 5. It's just not my time, yet. Just enjoy every process in my life! I don't have to get up early, so a life!

And today is the first day in December. i have 3 wishes:

- I hope i could end my last month in 2014 with joyful memories.

- Since January till now, i have lost 4kilos, but gained 2kilos. My second wish is i could lost again my 2kilos that i gained, lol.

- I enjoy my life now, i am not looking for a relationship, but i hope this month, i could meet my Mr. Right (just for meeting and knowing Mr. Right, won't counted as i want a relationship, right? :D)

I do have wishes for this last month. What are your wishes?

"You have one month to finish the book of 2014. Make the last chapter a perfect one."

Time to Move On

It is hard for moving on. I did not think that someday i would have to let Stefan go. For every fights that we've been through, it is me, the one that wanted to break up. But every time i wanted to break up, Stefan always be the one who preserved our relationship. Never thought that he was the one who broke it.

For about two days after we broke up, i turned off my cellphone. I didn't want to see it, because every time i hold my phone, i wanted to contact Stefan. Hoping that what i did would help me to move on faster. But actually it couldn't. That day, didn't know anything about him also make me suffer. So, after two days, i brave my self to turn on phone. I saw a best friend of him gave me text, make sure i am okay. And in the end, i couldn't stand not knowing his condition, i asked how his condition either through social media, or ask his friend.

Suddenly, i remembered about one thing, he said that i have to show my efforts to be closed with him. So i decided to go to Jakarta, whatever it took. I thought, it is hard to get a job fast, i have to send my CV to some firms, let them filter it, then blah blah, the process might be taking a while. So, the faster way is going to university again, as a student. And fortunately, there's one university that still opening their enrolment, so i enrolled and i succeed to enter.

I knew that actually it was hopeless. Stefan said that he moved on. He did not have any feeling towards me anymore. That whatever i did wouldn't make him look even for a glance. But, yes, i wanted to show my effort, even i failed, at least i've tried :)

That was exactly one month since we broke up that i moved to Jakarta. At first, i felt really wrong to move in here. I left my family there, especially my mom, that told me how lonely she was, because she didn't have friend to talk with. Also, i am not the type that could have many friends easily (especially with the straight one), adapting my self in new place is also quite hard.

But, God never leaved His son. He didn't abandoned me alone in Jakarta. It was few days after i lived here that i knew someone named Hansel. Hansel is much more mature than me, well considering his age is not the phase for him to be 'like me' anymore (lol).

Hansel said that he understands me, he knew my problems clearly because he has been though it. Many times he tried to stop my sadness, from the soft way till the hard way, lol. I am sorry, big bro, for making you tired of my behaviour :P . Thanks to Hansel, that he made my day became less lonelier. He asked me to have lunch together, even for Friday night, asked me to watch movie together, with his partner - Kristof. Even he barely knew me, he cared of me. Few times i asked him to go here, there, and he wanted to fulfil it. Seems like he is my fairy godmother XD

***

Even though Hansel helped me to move on, all decisions are back to me. It is hard for me to accept the fact that we are not together. It's like, we've been together for 21 months, and after we broke up, all people, including myself have to let go. After what we've been through, How could i forget Stefan that fast? I couln't. Especially, now i am in Jakarta, one of the reason i go here is because of him, so it's like the only thing that make me survive is the hope, that maybe and only maybe, he would come back to me.

But, it's like the more i stand at that hope, the more i see that it's impossible for me and him to get back. I don't even know about my feeling to him. It's like, there a moment that i was very angry to Stefan. There's also a moment when i missed him so badly. And there's also a time when i missed and angry to him, lol. It's all mixed in one feeling.

Until one moment i realised, what do i miss about him? Do i really want to get back to him?

Actually maybe, the one that i really missed is our past time, the moment that we've spent together . The old him that i missed. How about now? I see that he is different now. Well, people changes, right? Do i really want to be back with the new him now?

***

Today should be Our 2nd Anniversary.

It's really ironic, because we couldn't celebrate our First Anniversary, because i was in overseas. And now, we are in the same city, but we couldn't celebrate it because of our status now, lol.

But i met Stefan, today.

Stefan asked me to meet up.

I didn't have any idea what we would talk today. But i agreed to meet him.

We've been talking about 2 hours,

Talking about our condition then and now, what we've done in a last 3 months. And in the end, he regret about our relationship. I mean, we've been so close and now even for meeting like this, we felt awkward first. So he wanted to be a friend again with me.

***

I see my life back then, and now.

Time make me became a different person. I don't know that i changed to be a better or the worse one, but i think , there's always a value for something that happened.

Thank's to our broken relationship, that now i knew a new friends, new brother. That in out there, there are so many great people that too waste if we don't know about them. I could learn new things, have new friends, other than Stefan's friends. And they love me :) (or maybe i feel too confident about this?lol)

***

Then, what do i really want?

I don't know, lol.

But what i know is i enjoy my time today, i have friends, so i don't feel lonely. i also have activities like going to campus, i can wake up not too early, i can have myself watching movies. About relationship, for now, i am not looking a new or old relationship, i do enjoying my freedom, hahaha. The important one is...

I know that i am happy :)

The Consequences

I thought i have succeeded for managing my long distance relationship. But, actually i didn't.

It's like what i've said in previous post, that when you are living far away from him, the world is also different. You have to adapt with condition there, make friends there, and sometimes that kind things would make you busy so that you 'abandoned' your life's friends, families in hometown. Especially for me. For every semester, we had a different friends, so we had to make new friends, again. And it made Stefan felt lonely. But he didn't tell me, on a contrary, he said, i should be the one that enjoy my time there, my last semester there. I thought that he was right. This was my only chance to enjoy it, the last semester, and after that, i would came back again to Indonesia and plan about our future

So one year has ended. I went back to Indonesia.

Honestly, when i came back, i did not have any idea what i would do next.

Of course, find a job, in Jakarta, lived together with Stefan would be the best decisions. But i also have to consider about my family. In 2013 me and am just moved out from my home town to another city, and my dad really count on me to help him designing the room. But it was pending because of my going to China. Second, my dad also wanted me to help him in his company. It's like.. My dad have been giving me tuition money since elementary school till now, should i be the one who give thank by working to him? It sounds fair right? When i told dad about my plan go get a job, my dad got quite angry. He said that he paid my school just for me giving my contribution to other firms? Well, i was speechless.

Stefan on the other side, he pushed me to have a decision. Ya, i know, seems like our future is so blurred, right? One of his friend, told him that he couldn't depend on me. Although i've back to Indonesia, but technically we still live in different city. At that time, i just had this plan. I would help my dad to finish home, then i would go to Jakarta, working there.

***

One day, Stefan told me, that he felt lonely when i was in China, i was so busy with my life there, so he felt he was like a doll, that i played with just when i felt lonely, and if i had friends, i would put him away. He also said that he loved someone when i was there.

Well, it's already happened right? I forgave him. I knew that it's not his fault completely. I strictly told him, you have to choose one of us. Well, who want their love share by other people, right? He said that he chose me.

But our relationship became worse. On August 11th 2014, he told me that he wanted a break time. It didn't mean that we broke up. But he thought that every relationship that we built, he was the one who did the efforts. And now it's the time for me to walk towards him.

As what i remember, yes. Most of the time, he was the one who spent more effort than me, so, yes, i agreed to him. He gave me 3months to fix it, until our second anniversary.

***

On August 15th, i went to Jakarta, because Sandy, one of Stefan's best friends had a birthday celebration on 16th -- the same date for our 21months anniversary . I planned to stay over at Stefan's place till 18th.

On 16th August, we still shopped for a couple shirt, different colour. Then we used it to Sandy's birthday dinner. I knew that Stefan's attitude was different towards me, he seems like didn't have any feeling anymore, he didn't hugged me if i didn't hug him first. He didn't want to kiss me, at all.

If you asked me what kind of feeling that i had towards him? Well, my feeling towards him didn't changed at all. Ya, because i knew that i had a commitment, that in the end of relationship, we would feel saturated. But that kind of feeling we would go thought, sooner or later.

On 17th August 2014, Stefan asked me how i felt towards him. I answered that i still have the same feeling like the first time we met. But he said sorry, he said that we couldn't be together again. These 3 days, he wanted to know about his feeling to me, and he knew, he lost his feeling to me, at all. He said that he couldn't wait for me until our second anniversary. It would be worthless, nothing would change.

Did it hurt? Hell, yeah.

But you can't have a relationship if there's just one person who puts effort, right? So, like it or not, we broke up, officially.

Long Distance Relationship

So, in the end, i went overseas for studying languages.

How was long distance relationship? At first, i didn't think that LDR was that hard. Come on, it's just for one year, and for holiday break before the 2nd Semester i would go back to Indonesia, would meet him again. But the truth, managing LDR is hard. Time is not flexible as before. There was time i didn't do anything but he was busy, on a contrary, there was time when i was busy and he didn't do anything.

Anyway, thanks to this technology era, there are so many applications for cam2cam that can be use lately, so with this technology, it would help us to decrease a little for missing each other.

I had asked some of my friends, the straight one, the one that made every LDR became hard is because we couldn't had a physical contact. Physical contact in here wasn't always about sex. Holding hands, hugging, having a joke directly. It has a different sensation when you talk directly and just via chat, right? Of course both of us miss the moment we hugged each other, how we teased one another directly, eating together, buying stuffs together, watching movies together, listening to music together.

We also experienced LDR consequences. You know, when you couldn't speak directly, there's many misunderstand. And because basically we felt lonely, for small problems became a big problems. It's not seldom how we fought over a small thing, that's not need to be a problem.

And, because the condition. My environment there was not the same as before. I had to make a new friends there. And i found it's quite hard, considering i am not the one that can be talkative or adapt in a new place that soon. So, i had to make a friend, whatever it took, or i would had no friends.

To became friends with Indonesian there was not quite easy, too. I had to adapt their life with mine. Some of them were not good in my bf's perspective. For example, going clubbing, shopping, afternoon tea. Well, there were not all Indonesian people did something like that, but you know. sometimes you got bored with people that was too good, that for me, doing daily things that could be done in Indonesia, made me felt bored. I felt like, hey, this is my only chance to live overseas, why i should do something regularly, let's do something more excited!

I am not a multitasking guy, sometimes i can't concentrate for dividing time to bf and my friends here and my bf in the same time. So, that made a new problem. I guess i always make a new problem, eh?

To make it fast..

One semester finally over, so i came back to Indonesia.

Too bad that we just meet once. That's for celebrating valentine day.

Guess what had i prepared for valentine? Lol, it was hard enough for me to give something unusual as a gift. People said, make something by yourself, that is more precious, because just one in a millions. So, i came to this idea. Valentine usually related by "so-sweet" things, so i tried to write quotations for 365 days (yes, i wrote it manually!). I wanted him to read it one per day, so he wouldn't forget how i love him, lol. I wrote that 365 quotations and i put on a plastic like tumbler. It could be an inspiration for reader to give something precious to their loved one. ;)

We had a fine dinner in a hotel near my home. It's because we didn't have any car there, so no choice, just eat near home, lol. And he stayed in my place. Feb 15th, his best friends with their BF came here to play in city where i lived and stayed for another one night in a villa that we rented.

For the second semester..

Well, actually there's not much different from what i did in first semester. Still, i had to find another friends, because in studying language like this, people came and go fast. Unfortunately, this semester's friends, they were all more party addict. They tend to go clubbing often. And, unfortunately i kinda like it. *sigh*

In the end. I could manage all those one year in China.

On Mid-July i went back to Indonesia, for good.

But, actually, the real problem was when i came to Indonesia.

Nb: Reader will find many wrong choices of words, or sentences that grammatically incorrect. I tried to finished this post, but i don't have any spirit to finish it. So this is the result, hope reader can understand what i posted here, hehe. Sorry..

Our Storied Back Then (Part 2)

At the end of january, i defeated the thesis defense, he wanted to see me, congratulated me directly, but i insisted because i thought it was no point going here just for congratulating me then go home. but of course he was the one i gave a call once i finished the thesis defense. 

New year was over, but another new year was coming to town, lol. Happy Chinese new year! We were going to buy new clothes together, but he was angry to me, because of  going there late. Ya, he was waiting me for about 3 hours, because i had my time with my straight friends together, celebrating my thesis defense. Ya, it was my fault, i still can't divide my time for my boyfriend and my friends, *sigh. (eh ya, btw i still remember how sour was his face XD).

They said February is the love month. Because there is valentine day. We spent our valentine by exchanging gifts with his best friends and their boyfriends. Stefan gave towel, as return, magically he also got the same gift, but different person who gave it, lol. What a coincidence. Then he stayed over again in my place, we went to eat fried rice at night and pork noodle in noon, soooo full of eating, lol. I wonder if he still remembered about him that felt shy of going out from my room because in outside so many friends of my housemate came to my place.

Because at that time i just waiting for my graduation, so i had to find job. We went to job fair together, i asked one of my best friend (straight) to go there because he was in the same city with me for doing internship. Again, that time i made him mad, because instead of asking his opinion, i asked my best friend opinion, lol

Well, talking about arguing, even for small things we did! I remember time when i made him house in  game The Sims. I asked Stefan to give me the sketch of the house, but in the end we had a small argue because it seems like i didn't appreciate what had he done.

April was my day! That's because its is my birthday month. We celebrated it by eating one of the famous ramen that open branch near my place. 2 weeks after my birthday, i made another celebration by eating together with his best friends. He gave me birthday cake and portrait of mine made of chocolate on it, lol. I still kept it because too cute to be eaten >.<

If the reader saw my post, mostly Stefan was the one who came to my place. It was. But, there also time when i came to his place. I arrived about 6 pm when i first time came to his city. We ate on a cafe, we ordered pizza, and another western meal but i forgot what exactly we ate other than that, lol. Suddenly it was raining, when we decided to go home (his home). Finding taxi was not as easy as in the capital. Stefan asked me to stay and waiting, while he was searching for taxi.

That was also the first time i came to Stefan's home,  After spending one night together, for tomorrow, Stefan wanted to buy stuffs to be sold again in his shop (his family's shop), we went together, taking public transportation, even riding bajaj, lol. At that time i didn't protest at all but actually i wanted to be protest, because of tired and felt hot, lol. but on the other side, i admired Stefan, because he raised in a tough family. So not like mine

Anyway, so many memories for me and him, right, hehe..

Then came the day of my graduation. he came to my graduation. I made a fake statement to my friends and my family about him, because i didn't have any idea how i met him unless i told them that i am gay and i met him in gay site, lol. We made another memory again, we took photo together. XD

In the same month as my graduation, was also our 6 months anniversary. I came to jakarta from my hometown, picking you up, then had lunch as usual. In the end, we went to an agency for organizing my leaving to China, for studying language. I asked Stefan to go with me. But he couldn't. He had responsibility here. I understood.

Living in hometown was not as efficient as before. There's time when i wanted to go to Stefan's city, but it was cancelled because of the big traffic.

Oh ya, he ever came to my hometown, once. But we just eating, eating, and eating. lol. In such a small town, there's no comfortable place for you to hangout. Lol. In the afternoon he went back again. Short time visit, but seems like we made new experience, another new memory.

The latest time we spent together before i went abroad was going to thousand island with our best friends group. He arranged it in a way so that can be the exact day for our 8 months anniversary. Stefan gave me couple ring. He wanted to bond our relationship, that i was completely him, he was completely mine. Stefan said, for our future after this would not be easy. Long term relationship.

Our very last meeting was the day i went to china. I told my parents that my community group in church came to say last goodbye, lol. Stefan with some of his best friend went to airport to give me last good bye. i still remember how we hugged each other, for the last time. Very last time.

Our Stories Back Then (Part 1)

So, here is my stories with Stefan..

As i mentioned before in here, that i knew him from forum. Few days after i knew him, we agreed to meet each other. Our first time meeting was in my area. I still remember that you wear office suit, because you got job interview (really job interview, or just his excuse to his parents? lol.

The day when he asked me to be his date, he was bringing a white rose that i didn't aware how could he brought that without me knowing. He also changed my iTunes music into If i ain't got you - maroon5 (that time, this music was my favourite!).

At the same day, he introduced me to his very best friend Sandy, Kelvin, and Fredy. It was so meaningful. I mean, they are his 'family' here. And this mean he wanted me to know his family. Although at that time i didn't want to meet them because i feel shy, lol. Ya, i am not the confident type. I still remember that i met them plus Fredy's boyfriend wannabe, lol. We went to karaoke together, that was my first time karaoke using vocal from the original singer -.-" .

7 days after our day is his birthday!

He came to my place to celebrate it together. You took taxi all the way here, because of late going here. It cost you quite much, but he said it was okay (i knew it wasn't okay >.<). Right after he came, we celebrate it by eating sushi in mall near my place. The waiter also gave free sushi for his D-day. After eating, i took him to go to my place. I gave him present, purple office shirt. To support him, hope that he could got a job soon. We also took photo together, which was become our first time photo.

About taking photo together, i remember our first time taking photo together with his best friends was in cafe that we could play games there. Ugh, that time was so much fun! Oh ya, right after we became couple, one day after Stefan's birthday, Fredy also had boyfriend with Vino. 2 days after Fredy-Vino's day, Kelvin also had boyfriend with Marcel. So happy seeing his family growing up :)

December was coming!! Stefan gave me gift that he made on his own. He made a display by sticking few cute things mixed in one place and making the christmas decoration on it. it was so cute. I still remember at that time you said: "happy christmas, maybe this things would make your place more full and become one of your thrash, but i hope you like it" (believe me, something made by ourself is the best gift ever. No one has the same thing as you have). In addition, he also gave me doraemon doll with my face on it, lol. Still on the same day, we celebrate christmas with your best friend and their couples. We took photos behind christmas tree that became our very first photo in the public.

Christmas was over, so.... Happy new year 2013! New year means new semester in my study, That time i din't have things to do because i just waited for my thesis defense. I decided to go to my place from hometown a week before university's activity started, and i asked Stefan to live together there. That was our 7 days together's experience. What we did back then? There was one day we went to cafe with name one of Indonesia's famous ice cream in central jakarta, we got there by public transport, not driving, so once again, he gave me new experience, hehe. There was days we spend by hanging out in mall, having lunch, dinner, and also went to cinema. Usual couple things do. At night, we spend our time by hugging and seeing the view from my place (i lived in condominium before) the view was heading to residences so you could see so many lights that made the view became beautiful. (like a movie drama, right?lol)

(To be continued..)

The Second One

As time goes by..

I tried to move on. It was hard. I broke two boys' heart, before. But, it was because i thought i could make a relationship with them, but it didn't work. So i was struggling this situation alone, (well, technically i didn't have a shoulder to cry on. I just had two friends that i could share with, but just via chatting. You know, sharing via chatting, you can't share your stories as maximal as directly with your mouth, lol)

If you ask how my relationship with those two boys, actually i still tried to contact one of them, the second one, because that boy is 3 years younger than me, incase he needed a guidance for the older one, lol. But thank God that he didn't ask guidance from me - 'the one who can't be moved' XD

The other one? Well, i tried not to contact him, because i found out that actually this guy is quite playboy, so instead of taking care of him, i am the one who should be taken care of, lol.

So, i continue to search for friendship not just in forum, because i found out that in forum, the active people there is just so-so (i knew them, but i didn't think that we shared the same thought). So i tried in some gay website. It was quite hard for finding friends here, because majority were the one who looking the 'fun' activities. In addition, i think, this site is quite older than the one from forum. So, some people already leaved it. Well, i was trying and trying, i didn't remember i knew someone special from that site, until i knew Stefan.

Stefan is two years older than me. Not like Evan, he already had experienced by dating not-so-many-but-quite-many-gays. At first, i thought that Stefan also like the others, that can't move my heart from Evan. Well, at that time you could say that i was love-to-the-death to Evan, lol.

As what i remember, we met several days after we knew from site. He came along to my nearby place, just for talking. Well, it was different when you were talking with newbie and the experience one, lol. On that day, he told me that he wasn't looking for dating guy. Because he thought that in his age (he is 2 years older than me), he was more than enough for looking about dates, he wanted to look for the more serious relationship, like a partner. Well, he got me right after he told me that.

***

Time by time, the more i knew Stefan, the more i like him. He was also willing to go to my place from his place which is in city near south Jakarta (and i lived in city near West Jakarta.) He also took the public transportation from there to here. You could imagine how was the public transportation in Indonesia, right?

For about one month we knew each other, and i think we were suitable for each other. Until one day, Stefan told about his willingness to be my partner.

Honestly, i was touched. He was making another place in my heart. But, there was Evan that is still inside my heart. So i told him, Yes. But, right now, Evan's heart was still inside of me. So, just try to help me by letting him go.

So, on November 16th 2012, i was officially taken.

Night Party

Last saturday, me and my friends in Jakarta decided to hang out together to one of the most popular straight club in Capital City. Actually, we wanted to go last 2 weeks, but because last 2 week was a religion-holiday, so the club was closed.

For me personally, i really missed going to club, party like what i did in overseas back then, listening to loud music while dancing is really my favorite time. But, of course going there alone was an idiot thing to do. So, at first i asked two of my gay friends, Hansel and his BF to go together. And coincidentally, another my gay friends that i knew from my ex also ask me to go there. So i accepted them to go together. I really felt excited, lol. For about 2 weeks i've been waiting for this day came. Night came, then we went there.

It was a hard day for me to reach that night time. I had to get up at 6.30 AM and prepared myself to go to a seminar. Seminar was finished at 12 PM, then one of my gay friends that is my ex's best friend's bf asked me if he could spent one night here because he lives with his parents and couldn't go home at night-morning time. I said okay, so he gave me his backpack and i had to bring it to my place. At 3 PM i arrived at my place. The weather was so hot so that i couldn't stand not to take a shower.

After taking shower, i had a meeting with my best friend (female) for having some quality time together. He had to maintain our friendship right? hehe.. So i was with her until 7 PM, then we leaved each other, i found that Hansel with his BF was in the mall where i was back then. So i came to him, and waiting till the night came.

We are all total 6 gays, 1 woman, and 1 straight guy were meeting in front of the gate for discussing about opening bottles to share it together. At that time i just knew 4 gays and the woman and one of stranger named Cass is real chinese (1 of the 6 gays), and he just wore short pants, so he couldn't enter the club. One of my friend, Jerry offer Cass to go to my place to borrow my pants (because my place is near club, just about IDR 20.000 to go to my place using taxi). Well, thanks to his handsome and well body so i didn't mind borrowing my pants :P

So, Cass changed his pants (in front of me and Jerry :P) and we went back to the club and together we run the night! I really enjoyed my time there. Most of the music i knew and i tried to sing it loudly, lol. We ordered 1 bottle of champagne and 1 bottle of tequila. It was enough for making me happy, not too much, not too little, just about the proportion. And you know, the effect of alcohol seemed like making everyone happy as well! We were not only dancing, but also, it was like doing a wild things. You know, we went to a straight club, not gay club. But what we have done? We hugged each other, two-gether, three-gether, four-gether, well, it was still normal actually, i mean we didn't do something like gay-kiss, or whatever like in some adult movie. The abnormal thing is maybe the fact that we hugged men-men so tightly in straight club. And i don't know what would i do if i met straight friends there seeing me doing that kind of things. Well.. Thank God i didn't meet anyone, hahaha.

In Club, Hansel's BF met his friends, and one of his friends, Damon, joined us. When music became uninteresting to be danced, we (our group with Damon) decided to leave club, and went for restaurant to eat something because one of us felt hungry. To make it short, i arrived to my room about 5.30 in the morning, then helped Cass to find taxi and leaving Jerry slept because he seemed drunk. After Cass leaved, i went to my room and sleep. What a night! :D

It was so interesting so that I am looking for the next party :P
Besides, i should enjoy my single status right? Before someone forbidding me to go to club again, lol.

Heart That Was Broken

Maintaining a relationship is not easy like in some movies, novels, or as what you thought on your mind. Especially when it is your first time for having relationship. No experience, for both me and Evan.

In addition, because of our location, the fact that we were discreet, it was hard for us meeting frequently. You know.. U have no experience, and technically we did our relationship like what couple did in long distance relationship. So, after so-many-fought, misunderstanding, six months that we fought together had to be ended.

If you asked me if i prefer had a broken heart to toothache, well, i prefer broken heart, lol. Toothache is more painful i think. But yes.. Broken heart couldn't be healed for 1-2 days. At least i need my one and half years for making me sure that i had moved on.

It sounds like i am an exaggerate person right. But really i need that long time for moving on. Ya, actually it was my fault to let myself to live in his shadow. I let sadness control over my happiness, craving for him coming back to me. It was because i had thought, that gay relationship could be like normal relationship that you can find one person for living, growing old together. But actually it was not that easy and really sounds cheesy rite? lol. It's me that too much reading and watching teenager love stories :P

At that time, i can't accept the fact that we broke up. So i tried to be back with him. With all the possibilities, that it actually turned around. On the contrary, what all i did just made him mad at me. In the end, he blocked all ways for me to keep contact him, from facebook, twitter. He also didn't reply my message, my phone call. His purpose was good. He did in order to helping me moved on from him. But, you know... It also made me really hurt. Also, the fact that he had another boyfriend few months after we broke up made me really messed up.

The process of moving on made me hurt other people as well. Actually i didn't mean to hurt others, I thought that i had moved on. So i tried to open my heart for others. Also, that time there was few people that showed me that they liked me. But i didn't.

There's some quote said: It is better for you to be loved than loving someone. Because you can try to love that people slowly. But i don't think that it worked for man2man relationship. I tried to love (lol, love? maybe it's more like opening heart, accept someone else) someone. And it failed. I tried again (with different people) and failed again.

So, what i learned for a relationship. You might open your heart, trying to love someone. But if you know that you can't. Don't forced it, otherwise, you might hurt other people.

Grateful September

September has ended.

Before sleeping, i reminisced what i have done in last month.

Well, it turns out that in September, i moved out (again) from my beloved home to the capital of Indonesia. I have several reasons why i moved here.

The main reason is.. Because i took the wrong major for my undergraduate program. Well, people always ask about what major i took when i wanted to search about job. I already felt wrong and i know for sure that i don't want to work in the same fields as my undergrad degree's major. So, i wanted to take the master degree. If you asked me whether i took the wrong major or not, well... I don't know, but i think it is better and at least this major is more general than the previous one.

Second.. Actually i wanted to fix my relationship with my last ex. I knew that long distance relationship can't be done forever. I also knew that we cannot force someone to do their best for us. So, i am the one who wanted to give my best, my effort to fix our relationship. At least, although i cannot fix it, i know that i've tried.

Last but not least, it is because i use to live with friends around me. When i lived with my family there, for about 2 months more, i just once hangout with my high school friends. And we could hangout together, because one of my very best friend leaving country for about 3 years. Well, to make it short, it was because i felt lonely.

Thank God that i could enroll to this master degree without coming there to take kind of tests. So in the middle of September, me and family looked for rented room and found the one that is near my campus, so it's so efficient.

Few days after moved in, i felt uncomfortable. Before, although i felt lonely, but in my home still i had family that i could talk to. Living in here also not that easy. The weather is much hotter than in previous city. In addition, i had to decide what i am going to eat, and to eat it alone. Seems like here is worse, right T.T

Still Thank God, i always know that He wouldn't abandoned His son. For about few days later, i knew some friends here, and one of my friend here really welcomed me. His name is Hansel. And now, seems like me and him are knowing each other for a very long time, like a big bro to me.

1st Love Memories

After that meeting incident, we became closer. There was time when Evan came to my rented apartment (i lived in city near Jakarta). Basically, because both of us have similarities (we both love one of the K-Pop girl group, and K-Variety Show), most of our time spent by watching those kind of K-thing.

There was also a time when we just spent our day in my room with chatting, giving and replying joke, until suddenly he stole a kiss from me. Really a quick kiss (not even 1 second maybe, lol). But that not-even-one-second-kiss really made.....  (i don't know how to describe it). It seems like there was a sensation, i don't know what kind of feeling or sensation, it seems like a small electricity spread over my vein. That was my first kiss. Still i could feel it and i really can't find that kind of sensation by kissing other men, lol.

We officially became a couple on September 20th 2010. I basically made it as planned ,so if you see it numerically, my anniversary date is 20092010, cute right? :P

Unfortunately, there were not many stories of us that can be told in here. It is because we seldom meet each other because of the distances. And also because of our status, discreet. Also, we seldom watching movie in Cinema. He said, with our limited time, it is so useless if we spent it just for a movie. Really most of our time spent whether in mall or just staying in my place. Other than that? Our time was just spent by chatting, texting, skype-ing. The standard of what long-distance-relationship done, lol. pathetic, right?

But, hey! There were also our quality time. The one that i can't forget until now.

He once said, pity me that everyday i had to go outside for eating. So he came to my apartment, bringing food made by his mom, and there was tofu inside of it! (I am really tofu lover!!) We were feeding each other, while doing a small talk. I was really happy!!!

There were also time when we were not afraid of evening. Evening always became nightmare for me, because it was a time that can separate us. Well, he had to go to come home in Jakarta. But for few times, he decided to stay at my apartment. We could talking all night long, or just keep silent staring each other face. Sometimes we also spent our night time with seeing stars from my window apartment, while hugging, kissing, and maybe more...

Stranger Become Someone

When two people became friend, and  feel comfortable for each other, they tend to know each other better and deeper. That was the time when love appeared me.

I knew Evan from forum, too. At that time, some friends just came and went away. There were some people who had objective searching for boyfriend, more than friend. There also some people that didn't quite 'click' when we did talking. For me personally, i didn't think of searching boyfriend, because i still enjoy being single, finding friends, exploring this world. So exciting XD~

He was the one who stepped on me first. He told me that he liked me. He also gave me his photo. When he said that he was attracted by me, i hadn't gave him my photo. Since then, i believe that love is not about physical appearance. It is about personality.

For about one week, me and Evan did an intense chat, knowing each other personality until we decided to meet in person. One day before we met, he gave me his picture. He said that he didn't want to hide himself. In addition, he gave me his photo to make me prepared so if i didn't like him could simply cancelled the meeting. A stupid thought.

I met him when i was bringing my 'real life' friends in Jakarta, because my friends wanted to buy something in Jakarta that couldn't be found near campus. So i did make some excused to leave my friends for meeting Evan (i said to my friend that i want to go to toilet, and accidentally meet my college friends there, lol.) Evan gave me short message told me that he was in the top of the floor, near ski-ring and i was standing in the ground floor seeing the top floor. I saw someone there holding phone wearing black jacket. I asked him if that person was him. Gotcha! He said it's not fair because he couldn't see me, but i could see him. So he went downstairs.

My first reaction when he was coming to me was: PANIC. Well, it's not exaggerate, but panic attack really happened to me. I went to bookstore in this floor, looking good place to hide. I looked around and saw circle shelves for the importing books in the middle bookstore. So i went there. When i was there and about to look outside, my eyes meet his eyes, and our distance is not even 1 meter. I startled. My eyes really showed the shocking expression to him. Actually i startled not because he was ugly. He is handsome :P. But i still hadn't prepared for meeting him in person. You can say that i was not confident.

Seeing him unexpectedly like this really made me couldn't control myself. Instead of greeting him, i run (yes i run). I run but slowly because we were in the bookstore, and he tried to chased me. Reader could imagine we were doing something like what we usually saw in bollywood film, except the truth that we were doing it in mall :|

In the end he reached my shoulder, and i surrender, didn't run anymore. I really forgot what we talked (maybe we talked about nothing, lol). But i was really happy. We just talked about 15 minutes and he said he wanted to leave because we fell awkward. I let him leave.

After he leaved. I fell regret, because i wanted to talk with him, wanted to know him more, seeing him smile and laugh with me. So i made some excused again to my friends and gave Evan short message. Thank God, he hadn't leaved mall, yet. He said that he was in MCD, eating ice cream. I came to him.

For about 2-3 hours we were talking until my friends called me said that they all already finished buying stuffs. So i guessed, it's time to go home. I told Evan that i should come to my friends. He understood and he leaved too. In the end, both of us leaving mall. I knew that there would be another meetings. New stories of our life had just started!

Knowing Other People Like Us

It is human instinct that we tend to feel not enough right? We always want more after gaining what we've wanted before. That also happened to me. So, i decided searching for another gay friends. 

With the facilities of forum, i made a new thread, titled: "Searching Friends, Chinese Ethnic would be preferred (No Offense)." My thread were popular. Some gays gave me messages, whether it is private or just simply replied the thread, i also contacted them. Some of them go and leave, some of them gave me memories that i couldn't forget about.

One thing about me, i wrote myself as a discreet guy. I don't want others knew about me. I did this to prevent myself being known from my 'real world' (well, basically i don't want to be popular in 'this world'), so i said that i didn't want to give them my face. I also didn't ask others photo, because i knew if couldn't give them mine, why shouldn't they gave. I still do believe that friendship is not seeing outside, otherwise giving what we have gotten based on our own experiences and shared it.

I knew Handy as my second gay friend. He is 6 years older than me, lived in Borneo Island. I just contacted him for about 1-2 months (i forgot exactly, but it was February-March 2010). Handy is a smart guy, he was graduated from medical school, he is Christian, he loves God and want to learn about bible deeply. When i knew him, he still couldn't accept himself as gay. In addition, because of learning deeply about what it said on bible. (By the way, what i post about this just about his thought, i just copied based on what i remembered) It is said on the bible that: Whoever wants to be His disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Him. He believed that gay thing is one of His Challenge for him to be denied. And in order to leave this thing, he had to leave this world, including his gay friend (I am not lifting this topic for debating, just for sharing how i lost one of my friends)

On Jun, i knew another gay named Robby. He is 2 years older than me, lived in Capital West Java. Well, personally i kinda have a crush on him (but not for a long time), because he is smart (for me, smart people are always have their own charm ;)) and he is keeping faith in his religion. Unfortunately, i found it was hard for me to contact him because he was more discreet than me. He didn't share his phone number, so the only way i could contact him was through email and chatting. Because that time was holiday time for students and he took a missionary to go to a small village (yes, he is Christian and he was willing to do something extreme -for me it was extreme, like this). You know, when two people can't get through communication well, that kind of likeness would be fade, right? I got to know him again about two years ago (?) via facebook and lost him again (lol). Well, is it just me, the one who wanted to keep contact with old friend? But seems like they didn't look for me as i look for them.

In the end, i did trading photo with those two guys. After knowing their personality, i guess there are no reason to hide our 'bare face' right?

The other next two month, it was early August when i knew someone and also met someone for the first time, which is eventually become my first love, my first date...

First Time Exploring

It was on the 1st January 2010 when i was starting to join a community (gay forum), and be acquainted with gay. It was because i felt saturated,  no friends in common to share this kind of problems. That time i was 19, so it was like the perfect moment to look for my real identity, who i am and what i want to do with this life.

Hendra (not his real name - by the way, every time i post names, i won't post his/her real name) is my first gay that i knew from forum. He is 7 years older than me. What was the reason why i greeted him? Classic answer, because he is handsome, lol. Until now, i still have his contact, i also gave him message to ask about his condition periodically, because i don't want to lose friends. Mostly people come and go, especially when you don't have any chemistry. But i do believe that friendship is more than just about chemistry, right?

Unfortunately, i never met Hendra till now. His hometown is in East Java while mine is in west. The time i knew him, he has been living in Australia. Well, distance can't separate people to know each other, right?

When i thought about that time, i am really thankful to God, that my first gay friend is not the 'bad' one. He wanted to answer all my questions patiently. Somehow, his appearance + his brain made me had a crush on him :P . Can you imagine how you have to be patient answering curiosities of a first-time-exploring-gay-world-kid? (lol)

Hendra is one of my biggest inspiration. Some of gay leave / blame God of what he/she become. But Hendra is not that kind of guy. He doesn't leave God in this situation, on the other hands, he takes some services in church, joined church community, etc. You maybe thinking that this kind of behavior is like a hypocrite thing. But i tell you this: It is very possible for you to live as the way you are while you are live as a christian. It is not a choices for us to be gay, like we can't choose our gender, parents, ethnic, etc. But you can choose how you live your way as what our religion taught us (loving people, afraid of God, etc). Hendra is one of the proven subject (lol). Seems like my post became out of topic =.=

About his relationship, first time i knew him, he was with a chinese (real chinese) living together for about 2 years (if i am not wrong). Unfortunately they had to broke up because his partner decided to marry woman. And last time i contact him which is few months ago, he already had a bf, an auckland, and i hope this time he could settle down forever with his bf :)

Well, this post i dedicated for him. Because of him, i could be what i am. Not becoming the bad one, because i believe, every first (first friend, first major, first job) would determine of what you'd become later.