2015: Friends, Love

It is really been a while since my latest post. Almost a year, lol.

So, lets see, how things going in the past one year.

I lost two of my grandparents.
My grandma from dad side, on April
My grandpa from mom side, on October
It reminds me about life, that everything is temporary. So enjoy it while you are with them, as we grew up, they grew older. Time flies.

Anyway, lets move on.

I could make friends with some g-friends around my ages. Actually i am the oldest among them, but yeah, for the first time, i feel happy that finally i have a friends to hang out, i mean, friends like really friends. Actually, i have Hansel and his bf as my friends. More than that, Hansel means like my own brother to me. But, still i felt there's something missing. I assumed my previous teenager stage made me feel that i need more friends to fill my life, considering all of my g-friends that i got are my ex-bf friends.

So, my best two friends are Joe (1year younger) and Danny (4 years younger). The funny thing is, they have a love-hate relationship as a friend, lol. It's quite complicated, tho. I don't know if i am too old for seeing their relationship or less-experienced, but i think they have too many dramas. For example, one day they could be a best friend, and one other day they could hate each other. But, i think the most important thing is i am none like them. (if one day you two read this, i'm sorry :P but it's true!)

---

Let's skip them anyway, i tend to focus on my story than their story, lol.

So, i got closed with someone called Edward. We have 8 years difference and he is the older one. I met him at the g-club on February. I saw him as a kind and serious personality (what else that he would seek in a relationship for a man 8 years older than me, right?). So i think it's good for me know more about him, to fall in love with him.

We managed our relationship, till on April, he asked me to be his bf on my birthday.

I said yes.

About my feeling towards him..

I think, i was thinking too much. I made a border to myself, about my standard to be my bf. I wanted him as a boyfriend capable to do some things, like driving, the way the act, etc. On the other side, i did not even tell him about what i wanted him to be, because i wanted to love him just the way he is. That limitation made me confused about my feeling to him. In addition, you guys might not have any idea how busy he is. Sometimes he just give me message for informing about what he is doing and didn't bother the message that i've sent to him, or he might answer the latest question for me, then he is gone, working again.

There's also a condition where we met, but somehow he was really busy. His physical body was with me, but his brain was with his clients. I don't know about other relationship, but i kinda feel sick of understanding things, i mean, yes, i have to understand about his condition, he is really serious on taking care of his future, he is the one who pays for his own living. But, i kinda tired of understanding the situation. I also have things to be taken care. My feelings towards him.

And how about his feeling?

He loved me just the way i am.

He never complains to me. Even on his very down moment that i could not be there, he tried to understand me. There's also a moment when i really busy with my phone because of 'virtual hang out' with my friends, and he just patiently waiting for me. What he always told to himselves is: "whatever the condition, i know that in the end my bf will be here with me."

---

Somehow my confused feeling made me say to Edward that i had no feeling towards him. That really broke his heart. 

At first, he did not want to break up with me, but one week later, he consider our relationship had ended. And now, i really feel regret of saying that.

It's all the problems was on me. I am the one who couldn't accept him as the way he is, and if he could do it, why i couldn't?

So, on Dec 23rd, i met him again. I said that how sorry i was, to act so ridiculous, and i wanted a second chance to fix the relationship.

He said that, after all this time, we've been 8 months together, and he really love me. He also told me how much he've been hurt. He knows that he was busy. But all his life is about work and me. If he didn't do anything for work, then his time is being given to me. And now, whenever he came home and saw his bed empty (i was the one who often sleep at his place back then), about my habit to fight over the blanket with him, the noodle hunting things, making he felt really hurt. So, he didn't want to let me hurt him again. He could not risk it. Besides, 8 months are really something. He was really afraid. And i understand.

By the time i write this blog. I still can picture moments before we broke up. When he told me his story, what he did today, about he really tried not to see his phone, his smile, his presence of love.

God, i really have a big sin of hurting someone super kind like him. I was totally a jerk, even i could not stand to see about what i have done to him.

---

And now, yes, i am still having a chat with him.

He seems to be a different person. I don't have any idea if he is busier that usual, but he tend to reply me slower than before, sometimes he even gone and reply the day after, in the afternoon. He said that he was too tired of his job. I understand.

How could i get a second chance to fix myself and the relationship if the condition is like this?

Life's Goal

Have you ever feel there is something missing in your life, even when you have everything, friends, money, of even life-partner? And because something that is missing, is so bothering you so that even you have all things there, you still cannot enjoy your life?

Well, that something missing is probably is what you want to achieve in your life, yet, you haven't achieved it. Or, maybe, you thought that you already fulfil your goal, but when you achieved it, you still feel empty. 

Actually i don't have any idea why i wrote this. A friend of mine, last Sunday told me, "See about yourself, you have no problem with your money, your dad can afford whatever you want. About your face, well, you are not ugly. Friends? You have me, you have your other friends, you should be happy than other people. It's just you haven't got boyfriend doesn't mean this kind thing make you can't enjoy you life."

Ya, my friend is right. How could this one aspect - haven't got boyfriend thing - can make you blind, can't be thankful about what i have in my life. Many people maybe still trying to achieve what i have , but i don't feel thankful about it. human tends to look for another excuse. So, this is my excuse, this post's title. What if, maybe my life's goal is to find soulmate? So cheesy, right? lol. Even in game The Sims - simulation game of life-, you have to choose goal for your sims. About career, fortune, popularity, soulmate, etc.

Maybe romance movie, drama series affect me so much, so that i think i feel lonely, i feel desperate if i don't have boyfriend. Honestly, still i don't know what i want to get in my life. My road is still long way to go. I haven't got a job, i haven't graduated yet from my studies. But, now, what i realized is i don't want any regret. Many people sacrificed what they've got just to fulfil their dream, and once they achieve it, they lost the other things that they've got.

So, maybe, today's message is, be grateful for what you have. Dreams? chase it, but don't forget about what you've got. Don't sacrifice what you've got just for chasing your dream, unless it is worth it and you won't feel regret about what you will sacrifice.

Resolution

It's been 12 days since 2015. Usually people have their new spirit, future, what to do for this new year, including me. Sometimes we have to make a plan, so we have an objective to be reached, nevertheless, we don't have any spirit to live a day (maybe too exaggerate, but well..)

So, do you guys have any resolution, or new kind of things to do in 2015? You better have. So, here's mine:

- Before new year, i bought a diary for one year. I think it's good for me to write every single day that i passed. Sometimes i can't see any different from day to day, but maybe if i see it from the first day till the last day in 2015, so i will know what have i done in this one year, what event that make me happy, and this year will make me gonna be what kind of person..?

- Resolution, resolution. Every new year never feels complete if i haven't make a resolution. lol. I didn't write a these kind resolution: i want to be a better person, more mature person - because something like that is too common, beside, who don't want to be a better person, everyone wants it. I wrote about my study, that i hope i can achieve high GPA. Then, hope that i can find the new one..?lol. AMEN.

Well, i don't really have anything to write on, since the last post.

So, c u guys later?

-happy belated new year 2015-

Three Days Left

Hi, there..

It's been a while i didn't post anything here. Maybe it's because i kinda feel lazy to write something, or maybe because i don't have anything special to be written here. Lol, of course the second reason is a bullshit, everyday that passed all are special because even one day can change the situation, right?

Two days ago, when i was in my hometown, i heard bad news, that's my aunt suddenly died in her 39 age. It's because of stroke, she had a high pressure blood and maybe she couldn't maintain her own health (i didn't have a close relationship with her).

As i said that i don't have a close relationship with that aunt, but somehow i feel sad. After all, she was a mother of her sons and daughter, a sister of her siblings, a daughter of her parents, a wife of her husband. And now she is gone. So, my point is, maybe all that we do is just a boring routines, that we meet the same annoying person, have non-ending tasks, but maybe someday you'll miss them. So, just enjoy the moments, all things would change, sooner or later.

It's the same like this year, just three more days we have to move on from 2014 to 2015. So, make sure that you spend your last year with your beloved one :)

Lonely

I don't mean to pity myself. But when night comes, it feels like i feel alone. After i broke up with Stefan and decided to live in Jakarta, my life seems lonelier. You know, when i had a long distance relationship, i always looked at my phone either to chat with him, or just see if my boyfriend gave me a message, and now, when i look at my phone, seems like i am waiting for someone giving me text, silly me. More over,  for about a month i lived with my family, i have my mom to talk with, any topics (well, except my orientation of course), we even watched Korean drama together, and that made me feel less lonelier.

I have quite many gay friends, including Hansel, Stefan's best friends, etc. But you know, you can't count on them every single time. They have their own problems, their own activities. I remember how grateful my high school and my university life. I have quite many friends although most of them are women or straight men, but they were living with me back then. I mean, of course i couldn't share my gay things to them, but at least there were some people who accompanied me eating, chatting, about anything.

With the condition of me now, jobless, going to university only at night, no boyfriend, no dates, i think it's quite normal if i feel lonely, haha. At first, i enjoy my day, feels so free! I can meet someone new, meet them, but you know, people come and go fast, especially when you know them from online apps. I also feel something is missed. Well, maybe this is the part of me that try to adapt with present condition. I am going through my single status just for 4 months, still okay if i feel lonely, isn't it? My past is already over, and now it is the time for me to build a better me. Moving on is not only for letting your ex go, moreover, you have to move on from your previous life from your comfort zone, too.

Anyway, who feels alone here? Let's chat! #eh :D

January to November

It's been a while since i posted the previous post.

And now, it is DECEMBER!

Many people feel happy about December, because this month is related to Christmas, Holiday, Vacation, etc. Kids tend to be more happy because in Christmas they usually get gifts from their Santa, or family trip.

Well, unfortunately, i didn't grow up in that kind of family. My dad is christian, and my mom is buddhism. I am Christian, and i grew up in a church that doesn't celebrate Christmas. So when i was in High school, people felt excited about this month, but i couldn't be as excited as them. All i thought about is just holiday (i bet everyone loves holiday, right?lol)

***

When i wrote about this, i thought about my 11 months passed. How this year passed so fast. What did i do for 11 months? Did i enjoy this year so much that everything seems like just an illusion?

So i started to remember...

I spent my new year 2014 in Shanghai, with my friends there. Not different with in Indonesia, we saw fireworks, and in the morning seeing sunrise from The Bund (the iconic place in shanghai). The unique thing we did is, we flied a lantern, we wrote our wish for this 2014. I forgot what i wrote completely, but i remember i wrote things about getting a job and being a better person than before (it's standard, right? lol)

So, my class period was over, thank God that i could be the 2nd rank from total class in my level. That time i felt proud because my competitors are from all around world, lol too exaggerate. The first semester was over, i went back to Indonesia from China for about one month in Feb-March. I celebrated Valentine with Stefan, and had a trip for 2days 1 night with Stefan and his best friends + couples.

And since March-July, i didn't thing i did a memorable things. Just did study, have a party (i had a harder party than last semester), shop, hang out, eat a fine food, but most of my time i spent in dorm, because i already felt bored there.

Mid-July, i went back to Indonesia for good. i didn't get any rank position in second semester because the regulation in university, for those who go for good, their scores wouldn't be counted for getting ranked.

Mid August, I broke up with Stefan, last August i decided to enrol my self in a university in Jakarta for having master degree. Seems like my study period since kindergarten haven't finished yet, huh?

And i started my first semester in Mid September. In class, my personality couldn't match with my classmates. Well, straight people talked about girls, cars, and i have no interest on that, lol. I don't have a bunch of friends there, but i am thankful enough that i have few friends there, that is smart and i can count on with :D

Then, since October-now, there's not much that i can tell about. Nothing special, if i wrote it per month, but overall... My life in Jakarta not as bad as i thought. I met a friend, Hansel, who accompanied me though the days that i felt lonely, lol. Really thank to him. There's one day that we had a trip to Bandung for having holiday together, then he also fulfilled my wish to go clubbing for the first time in Jakarta, hahaha. But the most important thing, he accompanied me in my very hardest time, that moved on from my ex. He often asks me to go out with his partner, Kristof to watch movie, hang out, or even karaoke together. I also like to play to his place, for having a free-flow Baileys and Sheridan :P Really thanks to him, my god mother. :P

***

Now, i remember about my wishes that i wrote in lantern. About becoming the better of me. Seems like i've passed one process (or maybe still on process), that is for letting someone go. This process required me to have more patient, more thoughtful from having a decision, and in the end might transform me to be a more mature version of me.

For about getting a job, yes i am still unemployed, lol. But i don't feel ashamed. I can hang out, window shopping in noon, and have a class at night. There surely a time for me that one day i run my life like other people, work from 9 to 5. It's just not my time, yet. Just enjoy every process in my life! I don't have to get up early, so a life!

And today is the first day in December. i have 3 wishes:

- I hope i could end my last month in 2014 with joyful memories.

- Since January till now, i have lost 4kilos, but gained 2kilos. My second wish is i could lost again my 2kilos that i gained, lol.

- I enjoy my life now, i am not looking for a relationship, but i hope this month, i could meet my Mr. Right (just for meeting and knowing Mr. Right, won't counted as i want a relationship, right? :D)

I do have wishes for this last month. What are your wishes?

"You have one month to finish the book of 2014. Make the last chapter a perfect one."

Time to Move On

It is hard for moving on. I did not think that someday i would have to let Stefan go. For every fights that we've been through, it is me, the one that wanted to break up. But every time i wanted to break up, Stefan always be the one who preserved our relationship. Never thought that he was the one who broke it.

For about two days after we broke up, i turned off my cellphone. I didn't want to see it, because every time i hold my phone, i wanted to contact Stefan. Hoping that what i did would help me to move on faster. But actually it couldn't. That day, didn't know anything about him also make me suffer. So, after two days, i brave my self to turn on phone. I saw a best friend of him gave me text, make sure i am okay. And in the end, i couldn't stand not knowing his condition, i asked how his condition either through social media, or ask his friend.

Suddenly, i remembered about one thing, he said that i have to show my efforts to be closed with him. So i decided to go to Jakarta, whatever it took. I thought, it is hard to get a job fast, i have to send my CV to some firms, let them filter it, then blah blah, the process might be taking a while. So, the faster way is going to university again, as a student. And fortunately, there's one university that still opening their enrolment, so i enrolled and i succeed to enter.

I knew that actually it was hopeless. Stefan said that he moved on. He did not have any feeling towards me anymore. That whatever i did wouldn't make him look even for a glance. But, yes, i wanted to show my effort, even i failed, at least i've tried :)

That was exactly one month since we broke up that i moved to Jakarta. At first, i felt really wrong to move in here. I left my family there, especially my mom, that told me how lonely she was, because she didn't have friend to talk with. Also, i am not the type that could have many friends easily (especially with the straight one), adapting my self in new place is also quite hard.

But, God never leaved His son. He didn't abandoned me alone in Jakarta. It was few days after i lived here that i knew someone named Hansel. Hansel is much more mature than me, well considering his age is not the phase for him to be 'like me' anymore (lol).

Hansel said that he understands me, he knew my problems clearly because he has been though it. Many times he tried to stop my sadness, from the soft way till the hard way, lol. I am sorry, big bro, for making you tired of my behaviour :P . Thanks to Hansel, that he made my day became less lonelier. He asked me to have lunch together, even for Friday night, asked me to watch movie together, with his partner - Kristof. Even he barely knew me, he cared of me. Few times i asked him to go here, there, and he wanted to fulfil it. Seems like he is my fairy godmother XD

***

Even though Hansel helped me to move on, all decisions are back to me. It is hard for me to accept the fact that we are not together. It's like, we've been together for 21 months, and after we broke up, all people, including myself have to let go. After what we've been through, How could i forget Stefan that fast? I couln't. Especially, now i am in Jakarta, one of the reason i go here is because of him, so it's like the only thing that make me survive is the hope, that maybe and only maybe, he would come back to me.

But, it's like the more i stand at that hope, the more i see that it's impossible for me and him to get back. I don't even know about my feeling to him. It's like, there a moment that i was very angry to Stefan. There's also a moment when i missed him so badly. And there's also a time when i missed and angry to him, lol. It's all mixed in one feeling.

Until one moment i realised, what do i miss about him? Do i really want to get back to him?

Actually maybe, the one that i really missed is our past time, the moment that we've spent together . The old him that i missed. How about now? I see that he is different now. Well, people changes, right? Do i really want to be back with the new him now?

***

Today should be Our 2nd Anniversary.

It's really ironic, because we couldn't celebrate our First Anniversary, because i was in overseas. And now, we are in the same city, but we couldn't celebrate it because of our status now, lol.

But i met Stefan, today.

Stefan asked me to meet up.

I didn't have any idea what we would talk today. But i agreed to meet him.

We've been talking about 2 hours,

Talking about our condition then and now, what we've done in a last 3 months. And in the end, he regret about our relationship. I mean, we've been so close and now even for meeting like this, we felt awkward first. So he wanted to be a friend again with me.

***

I see my life back then, and now.

Time make me became a different person. I don't know that i changed to be a better or the worse one, but i think , there's always a value for something that happened.

Thank's to our broken relationship, that now i knew a new friends, new brother. That in out there, there are so many great people that too waste if we don't know about them. I could learn new things, have new friends, other than Stefan's friends. And they love me :) (or maybe i feel too confident about this?lol)

***

Then, what do i really want?

I don't know, lol.

But what i know is i enjoy my time today, i have friends, so i don't feel lonely. i also have activities like going to campus, i can wake up not too early, i can have myself watching movies. About relationship, for now, i am not looking a new or old relationship, i do enjoying my freedom, hahaha. The important one is...

I know that i am happy :)